It’s been a while since I wrote one of these, but this is an important one and probably the easiest way for me to let people know what is happening.

Sometimes in life, even when you try your best, it’s not enough, and you fail. Accepting this is the only way you can turn that failure into success, and that’s what I’m hoping to do now.

I tried my best with the help of my family and friends to taper off the opiates and return to a normal life. Unfortunately it just hasn’t been possible. I couldn’t do it, as the cravings and addiction are too intense.

So now I have accepted that I need professional assistance. On Monday, I will be going into a detox program, which will get me off the opiates. As soon as possible after that, I will be going to rehab, which lasts approximately 5 months. During this time I will not really be around, and rarely contactable as part of the rules to this rehab are basically being more or less cut off from the outside world.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared shitless. It feels like I’m going to jail. I’m not even allowed my phone.

I know that I have to do this though, it’s reached that point and I will get through this and out the other end. It’s probably going to suck, but ultimately it’s the best chance I have at returning to a normal life.

I’ll be able to access facebook occasionally, so please feel free to message me! Support will help a lot with this, as I imagine I will feel quite sad, and lonely at least to start with.

You never think it’s going to be you who has to be one of those people who goes to Rehab, but then you wake up and it is you. That’s not easy to accept, and even harder to resolve.

I’m so anxious…but it’s what I need.






Life could be summarized by sailing a boat. You prepare yourself the best you can, and set out onto the open sea. It’s beautiful, yet deceiving as such, because it’s also incredibly dangerous. The wind is life. You cannot control it’s direction, you can only master your ability to harness it’s power. You either embrace it’s direction, and speed ahead, or you fight it…and go nowhere.

For the past two years I have been drifting on a boat without sails. Battered by winds I have no control over, struggling desperately just to stay onboard. A few times at the least I fell off, and I could have drowned. I chose to climb back on board, but I remained drifting in an open lonely sea. Sailless, hopeless.

Then I found Andy. A physiotherapist specializing in back pain. Andy, is an amazing person. I am just one of the peoples he has helped, and I cannot begin to explain how much he helped me. Instead I will use more sailing metaphors.

Andy gave me sails, and taught me how to navigate the winds, no matter how ferocious they were.

This is the first blog I can write in the two years of doing so, that I can actually say my back pain is dissipating. It’s no longer a big deal. The pain is sometimes not there, and more and more often I forget all about it. For the first time in years I have hope. I feel alive, and fucking tired thanks to Andy. (He makes you work pretty damn hard in the gym).

But it’s all good. Life with sails is so much better. Why?

You have a direction.

This post is dedicated to Andy and Mike. Mike for everything he has done for me, and Andy for giving me a chance to live again.

Thank you



No life without Hope.

It’s true, and if you don’t see why, then thank your lucky stars you are fortunate enough to have lived a life so far that involved having hope. Hope is something we all need. Everyone needs it. It’s key. Without it, you are not even looking towards something, yet alone moving. Moving towards something comes after hope, but without hope you simply cannot feel rewarded. You cannot feel anything, because nothing seems to matter. Without hope, there is no ultimate goal, there is no resolution, and without a resolution, no movement. Without movement, there is nothing. Just still motion.

For probably the first time in about 2 years, I feel I have hope. Hope that I can recover from various things. Some that I caused, and some that I didn’t. What ultimately matters is that having the hope, the dream that I can move forward, has put my mind at rest. I don’t feel as empty, as lifeless, as useless as normal. I’m starting to enjoy moments of life again, and when you’ve lost that, it’s not possible to describe what it’s like to feel it again, even if just for a moment.

This all comes from starting Physio. I’ve found someone, who believes like I do, that I can overcome my back pain. I can dissolve it, and move on with my life. Both of us know it will be tough, but what’s that compared to living without hope. I feel my life has been tough for a while, I cannot see how this being tough will stop me. In fact on only makes me want it more. I wouldn’t believe someone if they told me they had a solution for my problems that was easy and quick. The truth is, that doesn’t exist. Nothing worth doing comes as easily as that.

So how do I feel at the moment? Well physically, awful. My pain is worse. I don’t care though. It’s part of the process, and while my pain is worse, my mood is infinitely better. I would almost consider myself midly happy at the moment. I think I’ve been able to say that about twice in the past 24 months. It’s nice. I still have moments, or hours, but at least it’s not days or weeks. I’m starting to feel in control of my life again, and that feels empowering.

I still have quite a long way to go, but at least it’s a long way to go, on the last chapter of this part of my life. I firmly believe that. I have not been in a better position than now to climb my way back to where I was.

And the best part of it is, the experiences I’ve had, and the things I’ve been through, have changed who I am. How I think about things, what I appreciate and my overall outlook on life. It may still be tough, but I’m starting to feel I may actually be starting to see benefit from it all now, as opposed to just misery.

Life without Hope is an empty dream.

But you can always wake up.

The Least Bad Decision

Sometimes, we as humans, decide to make choices that we know aren’t good for us. It’s pretty understandable to say, that probably every single person alive does this to some extent. It’s a normal part of human nature and psychology, and ironically, sometimes it may actually be the best decision you can make.

There are always times in our lives where we know what the “optimal” decision is, but for some reason, we don’t make it. A lot of this comes down to factors that affect our thinking on an intricate and subtle level that may not be visible on the surface. I know that this happens to be quite a lot, and some of the methods I use to try and minimize the risks of it I’ll share with you here.

Yeah, you guessed it from the title. “The least bad decision”. Ok, so you’ve decided you’re going to get drunk, absolutely hammered, obviously, this is not the best decision you’ve ever made. How can you make it the least bad decision. You’ve accepted it’s not a good decision, and that’s important to recognize. Now, how do you minimize the damage or risk. This isn’t something I can answer directly, because each situation to each individual is different. It’s all about trying to keep yourself safe, and minimizing risks associated with what you’ve decided to do.

I can give you an example. As many of you know, I’ve had problems with opiates and drug addiction. A lot of this was caused by my struggle to control my chronic back pain, but ultimately I am still a recovering drug addict because of it. I know very well, that the optimal decision, is to never take opiates. (With the exception of Tapentadol when I absolutely have to because of back pain). Apart from that, taking it or any other drug because I have cravings is never the optimal decision. Sometimes though, I can’t make the optimal decision. Small factors and the nature of addiction leads me to the point where I cannot bring myself to not take something. So I accept that I’m not making the best decision, and I focus on trying to make the least bad one instead.

This may seem counter intuitive, but honestly it works really well. I’m not denying that I am making a bad decision, and accepting you are, is really important. I am however, understanding that sometimes I don’t have the control I would like, and doing what I can do make a decision that in a lot of ways is simply a compromise between the optimal decision and the decision I would like to make.

Yesterday, I wanted, but understood I didn’t need either codeine or tapentadol. A large factor of this was my mood. Something had unfortunately bothered me quite considerably and put me in a seriously down mood. This is always a catalyst for the desire to relief the emotional pain with drugs. I tried my best to resist, but came to the point where I knew that I wasn’t going to make that optimal decision. So instead, I discussed it with my Godfather, and we set about trying to find out what the least bad decision was. Originally, I was thinking about taking 2 or 3 boxes of codeine. The end decision, was that I’d instead just take my normal dose of tapentadol. This would nullify the cravings, and lift my mood slightly, but is far less dangerous than taking a large amount of codeine. It’s true that I imagine I would have enjoyed the 3 boxes of codeine more, but actually in some ways I think this isn’t entirely true. I felt much better about making the least bad decision, and as a result, I didn’t feel bad, guilty, or upset about the decision we (as a team) had made.

How a decision makes you feel after, is equally as important sometimes as the decision itself. It’s why sometimes making the least bad decision can actually be the right decision, i.e the optimal decision. (Paradox!!)

Of course I recognize that for me, the decisions are based around something that may be more complicated or dangerous / risky than most. However this strategy really can be used in any situation where you’re thinking it’s going to be difficult to make the optimal decision. It’s something everyone has to deal with at times, and knowing how to deal with this in a way that minimizes risks is a really good way to keep yourself safe, and in a good mental state.

Try it out, and let me know how it works for you.




So it’s been a while since I wrote a blog, and I thought it might be time that this particular one is written. Anyone who has read my blogs, or knows me, probably understands that I’ve had quite a few problems over the past 24 months. I’ve battled depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, drug abuse, chronic pain, and all the things that come with those. I’ve watched my relationships with people close to me deteriorate, and I’m sure I’ve hurt some people I didn’t mean too.

It’s been quite difficult for me to overcome all these issues. To this day, I’m still not out of it. I’m still having to fight but things are ever so slowly getting easier. For one thing, I’ve basically cut all drugs that I was taking, with the exception of an anti depressant which I think at the moment is still very good for me to be on. Without it, I am not stable, my mood dips rapidly and I become unresponsive and moody.

Over the past 24 months, a number of people have tried their best to help me. Some of those people are my family, particularly my brother and sisters, and I understand trying to help me was most likely way out of their depths. I was not well, mentality, I must have been all over the place. I might of said some things, or done some things that seemed terrible, and all I can say is if I did do something that affected you, I am deeply and truly sorry. I don’t really remember much of the past 24 months, and I am aware that I was really not well. I never meant to upset or hurt anyone. I was trying desperately to deal with my demons on my own, but it was nigh impossible to do that.

I lost my job, my savings, my confidence, my dreams, my hopes, and everything that goes with it. Trying to get that back is taking a lot of effort, and will take a long time. I tend to make bad choices when I’m not happy, and the cravings I get to abuse drugs makes everything more complicated. I understand it probably hasn’t been easy for anyone who’s had to look after me, or support me. I wish that burden had never fallen on any of you. I wish there had been some other way, but ultimately I did the best I could with what I had.

The truth is I very close to the edge, and I probably wouldn’t be here without the love and support I got from my extended family and friends. It’s been the hardest 2 years of my life, and even now as I write this it’s still difficult. I barely remember what it’s like to feel “normal”. I wish I’d never touched any of the drugs that exposed me to this kind of self destruction, and it saddens me deeply that it’s had a huge affect on my relationships with the people I love and care about it.

I wish it was easy as just snapping out of it, or walking away from my problems, but it’s not. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, right now I just try to get by each day without making bad decisions. It’s not easy, but I understand everyone has their own demons and I’m sure not many people consider life “easy”.

I don’t really know what else to say, apart from sorry. Sorry if I upset you, sorry if I hurt you. Sorry if the past two years of knowing me has caused you any emotional upset or turmoil. I never wanted any of this, no one would. I’m trying my best in a situation which 6 months ago seemed completely hopeless. I’m slowly getting better, but it’s still not easy, and I cannot promise that I won’t make decisions in the future, even tomorrow, that don’t upset or affect other people.

I’m trying my best, and it might not be good enough sometimes, but it’s all I have.

Withdrawal – Live Journal

12th August – Day 1 – Reduced my tapentadol dose to 350mg from 400mg. A little bit of anxiety, I can feel my heart is slightly pressured.

13th August – Day 2 – Day two, and the withdrawal is already starting to take affect. Woke up with a thumping headache, and a lot of anxiety. It’s been a long time since I’ve had anxiety in the morning. Feels very similar to when I was in Australia. Stomach really hurt in the afternoon, I can tell already this is going to be fun.

14th August – Day 3 – Massive headache as soon as I woke up. It’s only 10:30 am and I’m already done with today. My heart feels like someone is crushing it, and my legs ache. I feel uncomfortable, uneasy, like something is terribly wrong, but at least I know it isn’t. Still remaining positive. I know that I need and want to do this, and ultimately it will help me get where I want to go.

2nd September – 150 : 150 – Feeling pretty average this afternoon. A little sweaty, but mostly just annoying cravings for any drugs to abuse. Really want to find more tapentadol but I know I cannot allow myself to do that.

3rd September – 100 : 150 – Real withdrawal is starting to kick in. Lovely nightmares last night, and this morning feeling pretty shit. I have no energy, but I’m feeling good in the sense that I know this is so good for me. Wish I had some kratom, hopefully it’ll arrive tomorrow since it’s really helpful with the withdrawal symptoms. Duncan and Mum are being really supportive and lovely, allowing me to just relax and get through the worst of it.

4th September – 100 : 100 – The worst day so far, really making me feel quite down and depressed. The physical side is currently not too bad, I do sometimes get really hot and sweaty out of nowhere, but maybe because I’m quite fit and healthy none of the symptoms are as intense as I’ve felt before when going through withdrawal.. The psychological part though is tough. I’m still feeling good that I’m doing what I said I would, but it’s still really tough. Hopefully the worst of it will be over in a few days time. So far no problems sleeping, which is really good. It makes the next day considerably easier if I can still get some rest. At least it was a relatively cool day today, which I think is really good for me. Overheating is a problem and will make me more dehydrated than I already am.

7th September – 50 : 50 – Yeah I skipped a few days, because it’s hard to remember to write these. The day wasn’t so bad. The night before was terrible, I got about 1 hour of sleep the entire night. Just lying awake continually cycling through being too hot or too cold. It sucked, I couldn’t get comfortable, and my legs felt really weird. It’s called RLS (restless leg syndrome) it’s a very common withdrawal symptom but it really sucks. It just makes you want to move your legs otherwise it’s like someone’s constantly tickling them. The evening was the worst of everything so far. I felt so ill, it’s the first time I’ve retreated to lie on my bed. I didn’t move for the rest of the night, on several occasions I thought I’d throw up, but thankfully I was spared that heinousity…for now. Thankfully, I slept quite well, probably because I was so tired.

8th September – Zero. – I feel better this morning than I did last night, but I don’t have much faith that I’m through the worst of it. Considering how bad it got last night, when I was still taking 50-50. This is the first day of not taking any tapentadol In probably about 10 months. No idea what will happen, but I’m not looking forward to the evening, as I think as the day goes on it’ll get worse. I’d imagine the next 24-72 hours will be the worst of everything. I’m not looking forward to it, it already sucks. Not to mention my e-cig has basically stopped working so my one thing that I kind of use to help get by is now gone. Still, I think it’s really good that even though everything is so shit right now, underneath how awful I feel, I actually feel quite good, because I can see already that I don’t need tapentadol anymore, and that finally stamping out all opiates is really what I need to do to move on with my life. I’ve been held down by opiates for so long, I cannot wait until I am free of their malicious and evil mind manipulating properties. I am done with them. I do not need them. I do not want them.