Didn’t go to work today, should I be dissipointed?

Yes, absolutely, considering it was my plan to go to work and that hasn’t occurred. However I shouldn’t feel guilty, and I shouldn’t feel bad. I shouldn’t judge myself for not going, as clearly I’m not ready to go back to work if I can’t bring myself to go in just for one measly hour. In fact just the anxiety that was triggered from the idea of going to work this morning has left me mentally drained. It’s only 7:00pm and I feel like it’s 1:00 am.  And you see this is exactly where my problem comes in. You know when you’re really tired and you just want to go to bed, because you’re just that tired? Well when that happens to me, instead of accepting it and acknowledging that I’m tired, I interpret it as “omg I feel so shit, my life sucks etc”. I somehow get confused and end up thinking that I’m really down, when actually I’m just tired. I know that If I just go to bed, relax, watch a movie and sleep it off I’ll feel absolutely fine tomorrow.

The pain in my side is kind of flaring up because of today’s events, I’m finding it a little bit harder to relax than normal and as a result of that I don’t think I want to play hearthstone today haha. I played a few games but I’m just not feeling it at all.

The good news is today I had an awesome experience with a viewer who stumbled upon my stream. A girl from Denmark, not sure how old but seemed mature. We spoke about anxiety and our situations, and she showed some support and made some really good points about anxiety. It’s very clear to me that this person has gone through similar experiences, and it’s really awesome that she had the courage and confidence to say something. This is the first viewer who’s reached out to me in regards to what my stream is about and that is absolutely fantastic news. It means that even though it’s still very early days,  my stream is already slowly reaching new people and this makes me feel pretty good.

I’m a bit exhausted, so I’m going to take a nice hot shower :D…and go watch a movie.

I’ll be back on Wednesday, with more energy and hopefully more followers!

Until then,

Meep,

Kinkymuffin_

 

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The ups and downs :/

It’s incredible how easily I get put in this mood where I feel like everything is absolutely fucking shit. I know these feelings are irrational. It’s like there’s a threshold of how much I can take before I just can’t help but thinking Odin is laughing at me from the thunderous mountain or wherever the fark he lives. Still it really helps to write about it. It puts it into perspective and lets me self reflect on a more balanced level. The reason I feel like this is partially because I lost a few too many hearthstone games, but it’s also because of the way I let each game effect me. Yes ok, your opponent “may” or “may not” have been really lucky and top decked like a god but you know it happens. I’ve probably won my fair share of games like that, but of course I wouldn’t remember those ones haha. Still I should be happy with the way everything is going. I was able to play quite a few games without getting too emotional. This may sound silly but it’s a big deal for me. Yesterday I didn’t even feel anxious before football. It seems acknowledging there’s a difference between anxiety and normal feelings such as being nervous is really crucial to moving forward. That’s what I’m failing to do right now. I have to accept that I am disappointed, and I am frustrated that I lost in an online card game. There’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it doesn’t make me a loser, well ok technically it does, but it makes a loser of said game, not “a loser”. I have to understand there’s a huge difference between the two. Overall everything is going pretty well. I’m going to try going back to work tomorrow, which I am confident will be fine as long as I start at a steady pace. I’m also really enjoying football, and I can see the difference in how I feel after exercising. I’ll continue to stream, continue to lose, continue to win, continue to get frustrated, continue to get disappointed but most of all I will continue to try and change the way I accept these things. It’s get easier, slowly but surely. You just have to apply yourself and go through the motions #cliché.

SO SALTY. So mad XD. My therapist said that I should say how I think I feel out loud until it doesn’t mean anything. Just a technique that might help. So I’m going to try it right now, in front of 9 people. (intermission) Surprisingly I do actually feel better, just a little bit.

Anyway I actually wrote this blog on stream, with approximately 5-11 people watching, I’d have to assume most of those are people I know, but still it’s nice to know I have the confidence to actually write something like this in front of anyone. I hope that this helps others as much as it’s helping me

42 Follower HYPE 😀

Kinkymuffin_

 

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Yesterday an anonymous person read my blog!

And said he liked it! You have no idea how awesome that is to me. I’d been streaming all day and no one had said anything in my channel, which was starting to get to me. And then he said it; “cool blog man”. It’s amazing how just 3 words from a stranger can change your entire perception of an event. I was feeling pretty bummed about yesterday, no one talked, no one came into my channel, basically nothing happened. I just sat and talked to the screen for 5 hours. Yet one stranger read my blog, said he liked it and suddenly it felt like a successful day.

I played some games of hearthstone, and I lost pretty much all of them. It made me pretty frustrated. I played badly in some and one or two that I felt could have gone either way didn’t go in my favour. Still this is perfect, it’s exactly what I needed to happen. I have to be ok with being frustrated.I have to be ok with being disappointed. You see I seem to have this idea that it’s abnormal to have these feelings, and then I unleash harsh judgement and criticism on myself, looking for answers for why I feel like this. Instead I should just accept it. Yes I lost and its disappointing. Yes I lost and I’m frustrated. Ok? What’s actually so bad about that? Well…nothing really. The only thing left to do is to try and learn from my mistakes and try again. It’s not going to be easy. I completely understand what I need to do, but it’s still pretty hard when it comes down to it. I’ve had this mentality for so long that it’s well engrained in my brain and it’s not going to be easy to push it away. For example, one of the reasons I struggle to play games so much is because when I lose is because I’ll feel like the dumbest person in the world. In my head I’ll be thinking “Fuck, I’m so dumb.”, “Fuck, I’m an idiot”. What happens is now I associate the feeling of disappointment with being an idiot. When in reality, I’m not dumb, and I’m not an idiot. I’m just feeling disappointed. So basically I’m afraid of negative feelings, so much that I’ll run from a situation that has a chance of producing these types of feelings, and thus conditioning myself to become overly anxious when exposing myself in any kind of manner. So how do I fix this? Well my Therapist recommended that I treat these feelings like an experiment. I am now a curious scientist, and I’m going to observe how it actually feels to be disappointed, how it actually feels to be frustrated, instead of judging myself for feeling that way, I’m just going to let it happen.  What I’ve started to realize is that I’ve been fighting any negative feelings for so long, that it’s now hard for me to differentiate between actual normal feelings (for example) disappointment and sheer anxiety, and thus, everything makes me anxious! Clarity!!!! So what can I do to help myself move away from this mentality. Well to start with I can be more honest. If I am frustrated, then god damn it just say it. Man I’m frustrated. It helps to just let it out, let anyone or everyone know how you are feeling. It’s normal to feel things and no one should hide their feelings. Instead of just saying how I feel, I’ll make excuses, and go over and over again in my head the situation, making myself feel tons worse and ultimately skewing the event wildly out of proportion.

I’m feeling really nervous at this very moment. But instead of questioning myself, or over thinking why I’m feeling like this, I’m just going to acknowledge it, and let it happen. I feel quite nervous right now. My hands are all sweaty and cold. I have butterflies in my stomach. That’s it. Nothing else, no judgement, no thinking about why I feel like this, just simply observing. Don’t fight the feelings, just accept them and ride it out. Understand that it’s normal and everyone gets it. I feel nervous because I know that later today I will be playing hearthstone. That’s ok, be nervous, it’s not a problem. It’s absolutely fine, and won’t harm me in any way, shape or form. Being nervous is a normal occurrence and I should simply acknowledge it and let it happen. The moment I start actually worrying about feeling nervous, I get anxious, but I don’t notice myself doing this, and then I start to get confused between the feeling of nerves and the feeling of sheer anxiety. This ends up confusing me and voila, I now associate anything that makes me nervous, with making me extremely anxious. I understand this now, and I simply need to accept that being nervous is normal and not a problem. Being nervous isn’t dangerous, it’s not harmful in anyway, it’s just a feeling. It’s certainly not  going to be easy. It’s a real challenge to stay away from judging myself as soon as I feel anything negative. It’s going to take weeks, maybe months to master, but ultimately I am confident that I can get there. I’m already feeling better than I did a few minutes ago. Great, I’m off to a decent start.

This is simply the beginning.

~Kinkymuffin

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Tomorrow, when the anxiety began

So it’s the day after my second live stream. Yesterday could probably be considered day 1 since I streamed for a total of 10 hours, 30 minutes and 42 seconds. During that time, I had a max total of 9 viewers, and by the end of the day I went from 16 followers to 19.

So how do I feel about this? Awful. Absolutely terrible. I feel so down, so disappointed. Yet I know I should be happy. It’s my first day (basically) and I know it’s going to take a lot of time (and luck) to get any number of viewers. So why do I feel like giving up already? This is I believe one of the core issues that I face as a person. I constantly ask too much of myself. Logically I know that It’s going to take a while before any significant number of people watch my stream. It’s possible that it’ll never take off. This is a reality that I need to face and be OK with. It’s not a failure if I never “take off”, it’s only a failure if I don’t try. I had a couple of random viewers yesterday, One of them said “Hi”, and then left shortly after. Of course my immediate reaction was to be too hard on myself. “You’re boring”, “You said the wrong thing” etc. So silly, instead I should be thinking “Man that’s so good, someone actually clicked on my stream, which means that either the layout or title was eye catching enough to get at least a couple of people’s attention. Instead of thinking about the upside of events my mind is conditioned to instantly point out the negative factors and then self criticise based solely upon them. 

How do I stop this from happening? I understand that CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) is going to be a crucial part in understanding and changing the way I think about things. I’m never going to be able to get rid of my anxiety, but what I can do is alter the way my thought process occurs to prevent it taking over my life. Thinking about it logically, it would seem that I need to try exceptionally hard to take the “positive” approach to just about everything as opposed to the pre-conditioned negative mindset I am stuck in right now. Writing this now makes me anxious, the pain in my left side is building up. Why is that? I believe it’s because for some reason I “feel” like this blog is a bad thing. What I need to realize is that writing this is absolutely fantastic. It’s so good for me, it’s so satisfying to write how I really feel and not care about what anyone thinks. I should feel nothing but pride, satisfaction and encouragement from writing this blog. I don’t, but that’s how I should feel. 

I’m meant to be playing football (soccer) this afternoon. For some reason I really don’t want to go. I’m not sure why, I’m playing for fun with friends and I don’t really care about the result. Yet I don’t want to go. Fuck it makes me so frustrated. I go through this every time anything is meant to be happening. Yet I know when I actually go I’ll most likely really enjoy it. I love playing football, and exercise really is a key part of maintaining a healthy and balanced lifestyle. I know I feel good after I go and play, but getting past the brick wall of negative thoughts is a task that never seems to get any easier. 

So what I need to do is change the way I think so that I never even see the wall. I should take an entirely different approach, avoiding the negative wall entirely and going straight down the path of positive thinking. My god this sound ridiculous, and at the same time it makes perfect sense. The more I write about it, the more determined I am to change the way I think. I WILL change the way my thought process works. I don’t need to knock down the wall of negativity. I just need to alter my path so I’m never even going near it. It’s not an obstacle to overcome if I go around it. And the path around it is positive thinking. Wow, I’m like an iPod stuck on repeat.

I should keep streaming, I think it’s fantastic and I shouldn’t give up. I’d love to discuss my blog and thoughts with anyone who is interested. Come share your thoughts, opinions, personal experiences, stories, whatever you want. You can catch me on Skype if you want to talk directly, otherwise join the twitch chat and say hi. I’ll be streaming later tonight for a few hours. Follow me on twitch to get notified when I start streaming!

Feeling a bit better after writing this entry. I really think I may have caught on to something here. Now I just have to try to put it in action.

See you on the battlefield sir!

Meep,

Kinkymuffin_

 

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Setting some goals for myself!

So I have the internet for streaming now. The planets are aligning for me to begin this fabulous but daunting adventure quest thing….

And yet I’m not feeling motivated at all. Why? Well it’s possible it’s because I’ve been a little bit sick thanks to some lovely weather while playing Football on the weekend. It’s also possible that without a real understanding of what I want to achieve here, I feel like this use of my time could be counter productive. I’ve been thinking about setting goals for what I want to accomplish while streaming, mainly to do with in game goals such as reaching “Legend” rank in hearthstone. I haven’t been feeling very good for the past couple of days and I think I know why. It’s because that’s not really why I want to stream. I want to help people who have what I have, who feel what I feel, who suffer like I suffer. Yes ok it’s true it could be worse, I appreciate that, but feeling is subjective and simply comparing your life to someone else who may or may not be worse off doesn’t make you feel any better.  So what are my aims for streaming? Well honestly if I could help just one random person overcome their anxiety, their depression and help them on their own path to a happier living, it would make me feel like it was worth it. It’s a bit of a weird goal to have as a streamer but when I think about this it makes me feel motivated to do something. I know I can help people and the beauty of it is I truly believe that if I can help others then I can help myself. I’d love for my stream to be a place where people could come and share their experiences in an anonymous , friendly & relaxed environment. Sharing your experiences and feelings with others who’ve had similar experiences is a great way to overcome any obstacle, any problem, any fear. It’s very hard for me to feel good, but thinking about the chance to help others feel better makes me feel more motivated, more energetic and more alive than anything else for as long as I can remember.

It’s going to be challenging. It’s going to be tough and it’s going to require some luck. All I can do is try my best and hope that I’m able to look back on this experience with pride and good feelings.

Please share this with your friends, families & more importantly anyone who you think might benefit from getting involved. I welcome everyone to join the stream and sincerely hope to see you all there to support me and anyone else who has the courage to come along and speak up! It’s fucking hard to tell people how you really feel, it’s hard for me to sit here and write this. Life is hard, life is complicated but life is what it is and I have to be ok with this. I have to be ok with failure and I have to be ok with people knowing who I really am and how I really feel.

I’m not sure how to start, so I’m just going to keep writing how I really feel and hope that I’m doing something right.

Meep,

Kinkymuffin_

 

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Why can’t I just play

“Why do I have to sit here and contemplate playing a game, instead of actually just playing it. I go over it in my head over and over. Yes I don’t care if I win, yes I just want to play because it’s fun, yes it doesn’t matter if you’re not the best at it. All of these thoughts run through my head as I try to battle the tight feeling in my chest, the pressured feeling near my heart. Why does a game that means absolutely nothing have such a brutal impact on my emotional well-being. What am I meant to do? Play the game and not enjoy it? I want to play and I really don’t want to play. I worry so much about nothing that It pre-emptively ruins the fun for me. I no longer enjoy it. When I’m not playing or watching others play I get really enthusiastic, really keen to play and improve, yet as soon as I sit down everything changes. Why can I not just click “play ranked”. I’m so scared to lose because I feel it’s a direct reflection on me as a person. How do I change my thought process so I can accept that it wouldn’t matter if I lost 50 games in a row and was the least competent hearthstone player ever, it still wouldn’t make me a worse or better person. Don’t get me wrong, I want to win, I thrive to get better, but I am so scared of failure. “What if I lose, what If I can’t get past this rank” I think to myself. WHO CARES!, DOES IT MATTER????? Of course not, but knowing that and feeling that are too different things entirely. I know it doesn’t matter, but how do I FEEL it doesn’t matter. This unfortunately seems to be my “go to” thought process for most things I do in life, which is probably why my self confidence is so poor and my believe in myself is non existent.

Maybe the first step to resolving the problem is admitting there is one.

I have a problem, I’m scared of failure.

In order to overcome this, I first need to understand the core definition itself. What is failing? 

noun

  1. 1.
    a weakness, especially in a person’s character; a shortcoming.
    “pride is a terrible failing”
     
     

Also relevant is the word “failure”

“Failure is the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success

I have to understand that failure is normal. Reading through mountains of quotes on failure by famous people gives great insight into this.

I’ve chosen a few which prompt a logical response in me, and hopefully they will for you too;

 

Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.

You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don’t win, at least you can be satisfied that you’ve tried. If you don’t accept failure as a possibility, you don’t set high goals, you don’t branch out, you don’t try – you don’t take the risk.

Your attitude towards failure determines your altitude after failure.

 

We will all fail in life, but nobody has to be a failure. Failing at a thing doesn’t make you a failure. You are only a failure when you quit trying.


All of these suggest that failure only comes from not trying or not learning from failures.

By this logic I should play and be happy to fail, because failing is part of success and the only true failure is if I don’t try.

Guess I’ll start right now

Kinkymuffin_

 

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I have a date!

That’s right, a real date! Internet required for streaming should be installed by next Wednesday if everything goes smoothly. I am excited, but I guess a bit nervous too. It’s exciting to start a new project that you’re really enthusiastic about. It’s been a while since I’ve been genuinely keen to do anything. I don’t really know what to expect, and I certainly aim to be realistic with my expectations. I have a lot of things to overcome, firstly I don’t like the sound of my voice, though that’s the exact kind of mentality someone with anxiety would have (what a coincidence?). Maybe my voice isn’t as bad as I think, in fact it’s probably not. Still one of the things that’s really hard for me is to keep how I feel and what I know in sync. An example of this is when I used to go to Friday Night Magic. I know that I didn’t really go to win, I went for the social interaction and to have fun, I didn’t really care about the results, if I lost, won, came first, last etc. However what I know, and how I feel are completely different. I would feel nervous, anxious, worried, concerned. My hands got clammy and by the end of the night I would be so mentally exhausted than I’d have a headache and be pretty much ready to throw myself into my bed. When you’re 23 and something as casual as a social event  causes you to be mentally drained after just a few hours, you start to realize that something isn’t quite right and more importantly something has to change.

Looking back I’ve probably had anxiety problems for a long time, the only difference between now and then is that I always had a method to escape it. When I was a teenager, it was mostly through gaming (World of Warcraft). I spent so long playing that game, simply because being in another world meant I didn’t have to think about anything in this one.  After that I started experimenting with marijuana. A couple of years passed and we moved back to Australia. Since then I have tried hard to turn my life around and I can honestly say I feel like I have. This is just a speed-bump along the way. The funny thing is I am happier with my life now than I have been in a long time, but unfortunately Dr Depression and his sidekick Anxiety don’t take that into consideration when reviewing your application for admittance into AnxieCity.

One of the reasons I want to stream is that I am hoping I can help people like myself. One of the best ways to overcome anything is to talk about it with other people who’ve had similar experiences. I’m not a psychologist or doctor by any means, but If I can help just one person through what I’m going through, then I would feel like it was time well spent.

I’ll be streaming hopefully from next Thursday onwards. Hope to see you all there!

Kinkymuffin_

 

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