Why can’t I just play

“Why do I have to sit here and contemplate playing a game, instead of actually just playing it. I go over it in my head over and over. Yes I don’t care if I win, yes I just want to play because it’s fun, yes it doesn’t matter if you’re not the best at it. All of these thoughts run through my head as I try to battle the tight feeling in my chest, the pressured feeling near my heart. Why does a game that means absolutely nothing have such a brutal impact on my emotional well-being. What am I meant to do? Play the game and not enjoy it? I want to play and I really don’t want to play. I worry so much about nothing that It pre-emptively ruins the fun for me. I no longer enjoy it. When I’m not playing or watching others play I get really enthusiastic, really keen to play and improve, yet as soon as I sit down everything changes. Why can I not just click “play ranked”. I’m so scared to lose because I feel it’s a direct reflection on me as a person. How do I change my thought process so I can accept that it wouldn’t matter if I lost 50 games in a row and was the least competent hearthstone player ever, it still wouldn’t make me a worse or better person. Don’t get me wrong, I want to win, I thrive to get better, but I am so scared of failure. “What if I lose, what If I can’t get past this rank” I think to myself. WHO CARES!, DOES IT MATTER????? Of course not, but knowing that and feeling that are too different things entirely. I know it doesn’t matter, but how do I FEEL it doesn’t matter. This unfortunately seems to be my “go to” thought process for most things I do in life, which is probably why my self confidence is so poor and my believe in myself is non existent.

Maybe the first step to resolving the problem is admitting there is one.

I have a problem, I’m scared of failure.

In order to overcome this, I first need to understand the core definition itself. What is failing? 

noun

  1. 1.
    a weakness, especially in a person’s character; a shortcoming.
    “pride is a terrible failing”
     
     

Also relevant is the word “failure”

“Failure is the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success

I have to understand that failure is normal. Reading through mountains of quotes on failure by famous people gives great insight into this.

I’ve chosen a few which prompt a logical response in me, and hopefully they will for you too;

 

Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.

You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don’t win, at least you can be satisfied that you’ve tried. If you don’t accept failure as a possibility, you don’t set high goals, you don’t branch out, you don’t try – you don’t take the risk.

Your attitude towards failure determines your altitude after failure.

 

We will all fail in life, but nobody has to be a failure. Failing at a thing doesn’t make you a failure. You are only a failure when you quit trying.


All of these suggest that failure only comes from not trying or not learning from failures.

By this logic I should play and be happy to fail, because failing is part of success and the only true failure is if I don’t try.

Guess I’ll start right now

Kinkymuffin_

 

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Published by: Kinkymuffin

I've been through a lot, like many others before me, and many more to come. Drug addiction is no joke. It's a war that never ends. I've learned to cope with my addiction by writing truthfully about it. If it can help just one person, then it was worth it.

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One thought on “Why can’t I just play”

  1. Competency can be a pretty big reason why people play games in the first place. Being good at something can be immensely satisfying – I’m sure we can all relate to the feeling of beating the last boss after a thousand attempts.

    Don’t forget that failure is almost always a learning experience, and the beauty of games is that you can always try again!

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