Tomorrow, when the anxiety began

So it’s the day after my second live stream. Yesterday could probably be considered day 1 since I streamed for a total of 10 hours, 30 minutes and 42 seconds. During that time, I had a max total of 9 viewers, and by the end of the day I went from 16 followers to 19.

So how do I feel about this? Awful. Absolutely terrible. I feel so down, so disappointed. Yet I know I should be happy. It’s my first day (basically) and I know it’s going to take a lot of time (and luck) to get any number of viewers. So why do I feel like giving up already? This is I believe one of the core issues that I face as a person. I constantly ask too much of myself. Logically I know that It’s going to take a while before any significant number of people watch my stream. It’s possible that it’ll never take off. This is a reality that I need to face and be OK with. It’s not a failure if I never “take off”, it’s only a failure if I don’t try. I had a couple of random viewers yesterday, One of them said “Hi”, and then left shortly after. Of course my immediate reaction was to be too hard on myself. “You’re boring”, “You said the wrong thing” etc. So silly, instead I should be thinking “Man that’s so good, someone actually clicked on my stream, which means that either the layout or title was eye catching enough to get at least a couple of people’s attention. Instead of thinking about the upside of events my mind is conditioned to instantly point out the negative factors and then self criticise based solely upon them. 

How do I stop this from happening? I understand that CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) is going to be a crucial part in understanding and changing the way I think about things. I’m never going to be able to get rid of my anxiety, but what I can do is alter the way my thought process occurs to prevent it taking over my life. Thinking about it logically, it would seem that I need to try exceptionally hard to take the “positive” approach to just about everything as opposed to the pre-conditioned negative mindset I am stuck in right now. Writing this now makes me anxious, the pain in my left side is building up. Why is that? I believe it’s because for some reason I “feel” like this blog is a bad thing. What I need to realize is that writing this is absolutely fantastic. It’s so good for me, it’s so satisfying to write how I really feel and not care about what anyone thinks. I should feel nothing but pride, satisfaction and encouragement from writing this blog. I don’t, but that’s how I should feel. 

I’m meant to be playing football (soccer) this afternoon. For some reason I really don’t want to go. I’m not sure why, I’m playing for fun with friends and I don’t really care about the result. Yet I don’t want to go. Fuck it makes me so frustrated. I go through this every time anything is meant to be happening. Yet I know when I actually go I’ll most likely really enjoy it. I love playing football, and exercise really is a key part of maintaining a healthy and balanced lifestyle. I know I feel good after I go and play, but getting past the brick wall of negative thoughts is a task that never seems to get any easier. 

So what I need to do is change the way I think so that I never even see the wall. I should take an entirely different approach, avoiding the negative wall entirely and going straight down the path of positive thinking. My god this sound ridiculous, and at the same time it makes perfect sense. The more I write about it, the more determined I am to change the way I think. I WILL change the way my thought process works. I don’t need to knock down the wall of negativity. I just need to alter my path so I’m never even going near it. It’s not an obstacle to overcome if I go around it. And the path around it is positive thinking. Wow, I’m like an iPod stuck on repeat.

I should keep streaming, I think it’s fantastic and I shouldn’t give up. I’d love to discuss my blog and thoughts with anyone who is interested. Come share your thoughts, opinions, personal experiences, stories, whatever you want. You can catch me on Skype if you want to talk directly, otherwise join the twitch chat and say hi. I’ll be streaming later tonight for a few hours. Follow me on twitch to get notified when I start streaming!

Feeling a bit better after writing this entry. I really think I may have caught on to something here. Now I just have to try to put it in action.

See you on the battlefield sir!




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