Yesterday an anonymous person read my blog!

And said he liked it! You have no idea how awesome that is to me. I’d been streaming all day and no one had said anything in my channel, which was starting to get to me. And then he said it; “cool blog man”. It’s amazing how just 3 words from a stranger can change your entire perception of an event. I was feeling pretty bummed about yesterday, no one talked, no one came into my channel, basically nothing happened. I just sat and talked to the screen for 5 hours. Yet one stranger read my blog, said he liked it and suddenly it felt like a successful day.

I played some games of hearthstone, and I lost pretty much all of them. It made me pretty frustrated. I played badly in some and one or two that I felt could have gone either way didn’t go in my favour. Still this is perfect, it’s exactly what I needed to happen. I have to be ok with being frustrated.I have to be ok with being disappointed. You see I seem to have this idea that it’s abnormal to have these feelings, and then I unleash harsh judgement and criticism on myself, looking for answers for why I feel like this. Instead I should just accept it. Yes I lost and its disappointing. Yes I lost and I’m frustrated. Ok? What’s actually so bad about that? Well…nothing really. The only thing left to do is to try and learn from my mistakes and try again. It’s not going to be easy. I completely understand what I need to do, but it’s still pretty hard when it comes down to it. I’ve had this mentality for so long that it’s well engrained in my brain and it’s not going to be easy to push it away. For example, one of the reasons I struggle to play games so much is because when I lose is because I’ll feel like the dumbest person in the world. In my head I’ll be thinking “Fuck, I’m so dumb.”, “Fuck, I’m an idiot”. What happens is now I associate the feeling of disappointment with being an idiot. When in reality, I’m not dumb, and I’m not an idiot. I’m just feeling disappointed. So basically I’m afraid of negative feelings, so much that I’ll run from a situation that has a chance of producing these types of feelings, and thus conditioning myself to become overly anxious when exposing myself in any kind of manner. So how do I fix this? Well my Therapist recommended that I treat these feelings like an experiment. I am now a curious scientist, and I’m going to observe how it actually feels to be disappointed, how it actually feels to be frustrated, instead of judging myself for feeling that way, I’m just going to let it happen.  What I’ve started to realize is that I’ve been fighting any negative feelings for so long, that it’s now hard for me to differentiate between actual normal feelings (for example) disappointment and sheer anxiety, and thus, everything makes me anxious! Clarity!!!! So what can I do to help myself move away from this mentality. Well to start with I can be more honest. If I am frustrated, then god damn it just say it. Man I’m frustrated. It helps to just let it out, let anyone or everyone know how you are feeling. It’s normal to feel things and no one should hide their feelings. Instead of just saying how I feel, I’ll make excuses, and go over and over again in my head the situation, making myself feel tons worse and ultimately skewing the event wildly out of proportion.

I’m feeling really nervous at this very moment. But instead of questioning myself, or over thinking why I’m feeling like this, I’m just going to acknowledge it, and let it happen. I feel quite nervous right now. My hands are all sweaty and cold. I have butterflies in my stomach. That’s it. Nothing else, no judgement, no thinking about why I feel like this, just simply observing. Don’t fight the feelings, just accept them and ride it out. Understand that it’s normal and everyone gets it. I feel nervous because I know that later today I will be playing hearthstone. That’s ok, be nervous, it’s not a problem. It’s absolutely fine, and won’t harm me in any way, shape or form. Being nervous is a normal occurrence and I should simply acknowledge it and let it happen. The moment I start actually worrying about feeling nervous, I get anxious, but I don’t notice myself doing this, and then I start to get confused between the feeling of nerves and the feeling of sheer anxiety. This ends up confusing me and voila, I now associate anything that makes me nervous, with making me extremely anxious. I understand this now, and I simply need to accept that being nervous is normal and not a problem. Being nervous isn’t dangerous, it’s not harmful in anyway, it’s just a feeling. It’s certainly not  going to be easy. It’s a real challenge to stay away from judging myself as soon as I feel anything negative. It’s going to take weeks, maybe months to master, but ultimately I am confident that I can get there. I’m already feeling better than I did a few minutes ago. Great, I’m off to a decent start.

This is simply the beginning.


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Published by: Kinkymuffin

I've been through a lot, like many others before me, and many more to come. Drug addiction is no joke. It's a war that never ends. I've learned to cope with my addiction by writing truthfully about it. If it can help just one person, then it was worth it.

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