The ups and downs :/

It’s incredible how easily I get put in this mood where I feel like everything is absolutely fucking shit. I know these feelings are irrational. It’s like there’s a threshold of how much I can take before I just can’t help but thinking Odin is laughing at me from the thunderous mountain or wherever the fark he lives. Still it really helps to write about it. It puts it into perspective and lets me self reflect on a more balanced level. The reason I feel like this is partially because I lost a few too many hearthstone games, but it’s also because of the way I let each game effect me. Yes ok, your opponent “may” or “may not” have been really lucky and top decked like a god but you know it happens. I’ve probably won my fair share of games like that, but of course I wouldn’t remember those ones haha. Still I should be happy with the way everything is going. I was able to play quite a few games without getting too emotional. This may sound silly but it’s a big deal for me. Yesterday I didn’t even feel anxious before football. It seems acknowledging there’s a difference between anxiety and normal feelings such as being nervous is really crucial to moving forward. That’s what I’m failing to do right now. I have to accept that I am disappointed, and I am frustrated that I lost in an online card game. There’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it doesn’t make me a loser, well ok technically it does, but it makes a loser of said game, not “a loser”. I have to understand there’s a huge difference between the two. Overall everything is going pretty well. I’m going to try going back to work tomorrow, which I am confident will be fine as long as I start at a steady pace. I’m also really enjoying football, and I can see the difference in how I feel after exercising. I’ll continue to stream, continue to lose, continue to win, continue to get frustrated, continue to get disappointed but most of all I will continue to try and change the way I accept these things. It’s get easier, slowly but surely. You just have to apply yourself and go through the motions #cliché.

SO SALTY. So mad XD. My therapist said that I should say how I think I feel out loud until it doesn’t mean anything. Just a technique that might help. So I’m going to try it right now, in front of 9 people. (intermission) Surprisingly I do actually feel better, just a little bit.

Anyway I actually wrote this blog on stream, with approximately 5-11 people watching, I’d have to assume most of those are people I know, but still it’s nice to know I have the confidence to actually write something like this in front of anyone. I hope that this helps others as much as it’s helping me

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Published by: Kinkymuffin

I've been through a lot, like many others before me, and many more to come. Drug addiction is no joke. It's a war that never ends. I've learned to cope with my addiction by writing truthfully about it. If it can help just one person, then it was worth it.

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