Trip to the UK & What lies ahead

This Saturday I leave for the UK where I intend to stay for a couple of weeks. I’m looking forward to going, as I haven’t seen my grandparents in over 4 years, and my immediate family since the end of last year. The past 3 months of my life has been one of the most challenging times of my life. Words cannot describe how difficult it has been. I’m sure there are many others out there who’ve gone through similar or even worse. I do not know what lies on the road ahead, I only know one thing – I’m still here. I’m starting to feel good again, my mood is balancing and I no longer feel like I don’t have control. Don’t get me wrong it’s still hard at times, in fact I don’t think it will ever be easy, but that is part of the challenge. For others out there who feel like I do, remember that you are not alone. There are millions of people just like you and I, and it’s important to realise that you can always get better. No matter how bad it seems. Nothing is set in stone as long as you take on the mindset that you can change it. Before I started CBT, I was sceptical on whether it would really work, maybe it was just a bunch of nonsense? It’s a strange feeling, as although I can clearly tell I have matured emotionally on many levels, I cannot pin point the time where everything changed. The reason for this is because it’s not actually a sudden event that just happens. You don’t just wake up and go “oh excellent I’m thinking differently now”, no, it’s a journey. It’s a learning experience, it never ends and it’s always changing. There will always be new challenges, new roadblocks, new obstacles. The key is to not let this stop you, it’s only real if you let yourself think that it’s real. You can actually just walk right past it.  It reminds me of a scene from a Bugs Life;

[a leaf falls in front of one of the worker ants in the food line]

Worker Ant #1: I’m lost! Where’s the line? It just went away. What do I do? What do I do?

Worker Ant #2: Help!

Worker Ant #3: We’ll be stuck here forever!

Mr. Soil: Do not panic, do not panic. We are trained professionals. Now, stay calm. We are going around the leaf.

Worker Ant #1: Around the leaf. I-I-I don’t think we can do that.

Mr. Soil: Oh, nonsense. This is nothing compared to the twig of ’93.

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From his perspective he is trapped, doomed, but actually you can just acknowledge it and go around. This is a powerful message, I mean you can tell, how else would I remember it when I saw this movie a long long time ago when I was a wee lad.

I also made the decision to quit my job last week. (Sudden plot twist). I’ve been with Ao3 for almost 2 years, and it was hard to let go. When I first started working there I was smoking marijuana pretty much every day. Before I even had the job I had spent more or less a month by myself just getting high. I was in a really bad place. My friends had recently moved out and I was feeling alone and down. I applied for a bunch of jobs and out of all the applications, my former boss and friend Robert Dwyer was the only one to reply. He took me on, even with my lack of qualifications and helped me to become who I am today. I owe him for that and I will never forget it. It was the first full time job I ever had and it was hard work. I needed that, It forced me to stop smoking as much, as I could not function properly at work due to the problems it was causing with my memory. I am sad to leave, but the past 2 years has been a traumatic time of my life and I feel intuitively that I need to move on. Too much pain and emotional baggage is associated with that period of my life and I feel it’s a change I don’t want to make but have to in order to keep going the way I am.

This past 5 – 6 months has been one of the most challenging periods of my life. I now finally feel like I am out of the roughest part of the storm. The journey is not finished, but I am still floating, sails hoisted and the wind taking me steadily in the direction that I choose. I’d like to give thanks to the many people who have helped me through this difficult period. Firstly to anyone who has read my blog, I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. It means a lot to me. I’d like to thank my friends for supporting me, and putting up with me, when I arrived here in Australia just over 4 years ago I had no friends and no real way to make friends. I can finally say that I feel like I have some good friends again – Lachie, Dec, Kalaf, Trav, Neil, Davies, Dylan, Elliot and of course my little brother Rob. I’d like to thank my little bro for being there for me when I needed him. It must be hard having to look after your older brother, it’s meant to be the other way around. Everyday I thank rngesus (gaming reference kids) for giving me the brother I have. I am thankful for the relationship we have and how close we are and have always been. I’d like to thank my sister Stef for looking after me when I’ve needed it. The hot water bottle helps a lot! I’d like to thank all my parents for their support and loving care. I’d especially like to thank my mum who has helped me through this period. I could not have done it without her. I’ve always found it really hard to say but I love you mum and I thank you for everything you have ever done for me and our family. That being said I appreciate my entire families effort to help me when I’ve needed it most. I’d like to thank my close friend and godfather Mike, who has always been an inspiration to me for many years. He is without a doubt the kindest, most generous person I have ever known and I can only hope to follow in his footsteps. There are many others who I am thankful too, but for the sake of time I won’t list them all.

This is certainly not the end of the blog, I will continue to write them, and hopefully more frequently too. I’m also planning to continue streaming, just as I suspected it’s hard work and will take a lot of luck and commitment if I hope to get more than 5 viewers (lol. Either way the challenge is a good one and I hope to do the best I can.)

I’m not really sure what else to write, I hope this blog is as interesting for you to read as it is for me to write it. It’s an amazing way to self-reflect  and I would encourage you to try it a few times before forming an opinion if you haven’t already.

Every day is a new beginning, every breath a new life, every blink a new horizon and every thought a new journey.

Meep,

Harrison aka Kinkymuffin_

 

 

 

 

So it’s been a while

I haven’t written a blog in a while. I’m not sure why, well yes I am, I find it really hard to keep going with anything. However I’m starting to understand that in order to do something, you have to look forward to it. Everyday now I wake up and I try to think what am I looking forward to? I’m looking forward to doing a Tafe course soon that I enjoy, most likely something to do with social work. I’m looking forward to improving my fitness by running. I’m looking forward to running a marathon sometime next year or maybe even the end of this year. I’m looking forward to when I get better at streaming and have more viewers. I’m looking forward to seeing my parents again in a few weeks when I go to the UK for a month. I’m looking forward to getting my green P’s on my motorcycle. I’m looking forward to changing my job and trying something else part time while I study. I’m looking forward to meditating with my dad’s lovely new wife Philamae. Neither of us can do it properly yet but with practice hopefully we’ll get there! I’ve recently discovered than in order to be happy you have to allow yourself to enjoy the moment and not worry about things you can’t control. My dad, who is probably the most analytical and intelligent person I have ever known, said to me the other day “You have to enjoy the journey instead of just focusing on the destination”. This really stuck with me, as this is pretty much what I don’t do. Until recently I haven’t being enjoying the adventure. All I was doing is worrying about what will happen next or what already happened. Now whenever I start to do that I simply remind myself that it’s not under my control and I should enjoy the moment, the feelings that I am experiencing right now. I am much happier for it. I’ve got more energy and I’m not taking it quite so hard when things go wrong. You’re always going to have ups and downs, and it’s important to accept it and just enjoy the moment. When you’re feeling down, try thinking about looking forward to when you feel better. It’s uncanny how well it works. You can’t force yourself to feel better, so don’t worry about it feeling down, just simply accept it and look forward to when it passes. It works. If you look forward to something you are basically pre-emptively making it happen. Of course this is a loose term, you cannot “look forward to being able to fly” and then suddenly sprout wings and take off to the skies. Well actually you can try but it probably won’t end well. My point is that when it comes to your feelings you can look forward to having other feelings and it will help. The reason for this is looking forward to something is a good feeling. If you look forward to when you are not feeling so down, without knowing it you’re already making yourself feel better because you’re now looking forward to something.

It’s still a long road ahead for me. There will be many challenges ahead. There always will be. But what’s a life without challenge?

P.S Thanks to Lannah for given me the motivation to continue writing.

Meep,

Kinkymuffin

 

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