Right now my world is a sad, grey blur. The days go by slowly without meaning. I feel nothing. I wake up feeling nothing, I go to sleep…feeling nothing. The world seems so dark I feel like I can barely see at all. How is one supposed to cope with the illusion of such a dull despairing life. Sometimes it’s hard to keep believing that I’m going to get out of this. Everyday is a struggle and when you feel nothing at all, with the exception of complete and utter despair and sadness, you start to question whether life is really worth living. I try hard to keep myself together, but it’s a task not easily done. A simple task such as getting groceries from the shops feels like an insurmountable obstacle. When you have no motivation, how are you supposed to get better. For me, that is the question I have to ask myself right now. What would I be doing if I was living a happy, functional life. I’d probably go for a run, stream a bit, play hearthstone. I’d probably get on Teamspeak with my friends and talk to them, possibly go out, maybe even skate and go back to work. I know these are the things I should be doing, but how do I do it. Right now it feels so difficult, like an impossible task. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I don’t want to speak to anyone, I don’t want help, yet I need help. I don’t want to go out, yet I need to go out. The cruellest part about my depression is that I know that I’m actually quite happy with my life. A lot of good things have happened in the past year, and I feel I have grown tremendously as a person. There are many things that I should be looking forward too, and many things that I should be enjoying right now, yet…I just can’t feel that way. I can’t feel happy, I can’t feel excited, I just can’t feel.
I have to believe it will get better, and I’m trying to hold onto that thought with every inch of willpower I have. I will try harder to move myself back into doing the things I used to do, and maybe, it’ll start to help. So today, I will put on my shoes, and go for a run. I won’t think about it, because otherwise I will persuade myself not to go, but I will go. I will simply just do it. Then I’ll do it again tomorrow, and the day after that. Hopefully some routine will help me to dig my way out of the pit of sorrow that I’m currently drowning in. I hope so, because the longer I stay here the harder it is to get out.
Right now I’m really struggling. This year has been one of the hardest of my life, and this month has been one of the most difficult of this year. It feels like I’ve gone backwards, but I know that’s not true. I’m at one of the lowest parts of the cycle. It sucks, but it will get better. It has to get better.
I have to get better.