It doesn’t matter how much you’ve been through, or how well you know the system, the roller coaster will take you by surprise every. single. time. You just cannot be prepared for it. One minute everything is fine, the next minute your world is apparently collapsing before your eyes and you can’t do anything but sit there and watch it happen. Sometimes you don’t even know your part of the ride. You thought it was over but unbeknownst to you, you’re actually still on it, slowly ascending up the tracks at the start for the big drop. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then consider yourself lucky. I’m sure most people do, but for everyone the actual ride is different.
For the past two months, I’ve been waking up every morning with a churning stomach, no desire to eat, no energy and general nausea. Honestly, it was hell. If that’s what pregnancy can be like then I’m thankful that I am not a women, because it’s not something that anyone should have to endure. What makes it worse is when you have no idea what’s causing it, and you can only sit by and wait. For a while I didn’t think it would end, and I was destined to feel like this for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t actually call that a life it was so bad. I started taking too much of my medication, too compensate, and that ended up making things worse. I forced myself to tell my family and the next few days after I stopped taking 3 or 4 x as much as I should have, I felt like death. It was one of the worst depression like feelings I’ve ever felt. I couldn’t even talk, and I’m glad people were watching me because when you get to that point I could see it being very easy to lose control completely. It’s the point where some people may seek to end it, and although I never got that far, I honestly felt like death would have been a release.
Turns out I had appendicitis, but not acute like most people, mine had been on and off inflamed for 2 months, which was causing the problems. I had it removed last week and although my stomach is very sore from the operation and everything else, I feel so much better now it’s a huge relief. It’s absolutely ridiculous how badly your mental health can be affected by physical issues. It’s also important to know that I made the decision to go into hospital after my stomach was getting so bad that I could hardly move. If I hadn’t of made that call, it’s possible my appendix could have burst and things could have been drastically worse. I guess what I’m saying is no matter how badly you don’t want to go to emergency because you know it’s going to be an uncomfortable long wait, it’s important that you acknowledge when something is wrong and act on it as quickly as possible. It might save your life.
I’m doing much better now. I’m feeling normal again, I am quite tired and some days I do still feel like a down, but I just keep reminding myself of how much better it is to not feel sick all day, everyday and that really helps to keep feeling positive about my situation.
This entry isn’t really a good one. It doesn’t have too much point, but I wrote it anyway because it allows others to see if they want to, what I have been through, and it makes me feel better. Writing about past events allows me to reflect on it more easily and with less bias than just thinking about it. So I write.
I’m off to Melbourne tomorrow, visiting family friends who’m I love very much and I always have a fantastic time when there. I think it’ll be good for me and hopefully once I return in a weeks time I’ll be able to continue studying and moving forward with my life.
Make sure you do the same thing, because if you’re not moving then it’ll just get harder to mobilize again.