The Morning After (No not what you think…)

So….it’s the morning after.

The morning after I got really high last night and wrote a blog that could blow up in my face. I don’t think it will, in fact it can’t because I am in control and I am not worried. Still it was interesting to see how and / if there was any change in the way I typed yesterday. Seemed a bit more dragged out, guess when you’re high you tend to lose track of what you’re saying. Happens all the time in real life with friends, it’s usually pretty funny.

Do I think I made a mistake buying some tea and indulging myself. Hmmm well, yes and no. Firstly, it’s important to know that my opinion on weed is that it’s a joke of an illegal drug. It’s less harmful than tobacco and alcohol. It doesn’t make you violent, or angry, it doesn’t impair your decision makes skills to the same level as getting intoxicated. I mean have you ever seen “Guy gets king hit in kings cross after guy smokes a joint and gets violent”. No of course not, because it doesn’t have that type of affect. If you haven’t tried it, don’t even bother to try and argue, you don’t know because you haven’t tried it. Anyway so on the moral compass of things, I don’t find it that bad to smoke occasionally. Of course I wish it wasn’t illegal, then the money the druglords get wouldn’t be fueled back into more crime and ultimately cause people to get hurt. If they legalized it, they could tax it, monitor it, the police could waste less resources on tracking down people growing plants. We’ll get there. It’s happening more and more anyway. Unfortunately Australia is 20 years behind the rest of the world, so I’ll imagine we’ll see it medically legalized sometime between 2040 and 2060….

As for myself, taking it in the position I’m in? A little risky. It is a gateway drug, and it does encourage you to experiment with other stuff, far more potent and evil. The issue with it is that it’s called the gateway drug because it’s so mellow, that most people like it, even if they don’t the first couple of times. But anything after that, honestly there’s a huge jump in implications, effects and what it can do to your body. It’s one thing to smoke occasionally, it’s another to decide to start doing meth. So how do I feel?

Well I’m ok, I feel better and better each day actually. I really think just the combination of everything, including my medications is working more effectively than it ever has before. I’m happy that I’m getting more and more out of each day, and talking to my friends more. Still got a long way to go, I need to help out round the house more. Rob does it all, and never says anything. I’m basically being pretty selfish. Sure I have an excuse, but I should try a little harder than I am. All good, I just spoke to him. Told him to tell me to get my ass up and help when I need too. Hopefully that way I can back into the groove of pulling my weight.

Mika is being a naughty kitten. She keeps trying to get into the rubbish bags, anything that smells like food. Honestly she’s like a scavenger dog. It’s pretty funny, and we feed her plenty!

I think that in moderation, most things are ok. You simply need to maintain a balance that is realistic and proportionate to what you need the most. For me, I need relaxation time, so the occasional joint is nice for that. I also need to run, which I have been. I need to eat better food, which is definitely what I’m working on now, because I’ve been eating so much crap simply because I can’t be bothered to cook. So that’s my main focus at the moment. Try and main stuff that isn’t so bad for you. To me it seems like an impossible and annoying challenge but whatever I’ll complain to myself, but put on my shoes and walk the door while I do it. I find that a great tactic. If you don’t want to do something, let yourself complain about it all you want. Let your brain moan, and whine and bla bla bla, but while doing that, simply do the stuff you need to get the activity rolling. e.g for me it’s putting on my shoes and walking out the door. Once i’m outside my brain’s like “Oh ok…well I guess were doing it then” and then you can fist pump yourself because that’s a victory. You controlled your brain, even when it seems to oppose your own logic. You know I’m starting to wonder how much control really have over their brain and therefore actions. Are people who are violent, abusive, or murderers etc, are they really in control at all? They are still guilty of course, but how much of it was really their choice. I don’t know enough about the subject to say, so I’d have to read up on it, but it’s definitely interesting to think about. I’m going to try and get back onto my old football (soccer) team. Hopefully with Lachie and Trav, if its possible then that’d be awesome. I’m also preparing to go to the UK sometime in the near future for some unknown amount of time. I think it will be good to spend time with others, focusing on them instead of myself. I’m in the driver seat, now I know where I’m heading I won’t get lost again. There are still a few things on my mind that trouble me. One of course is just my future with a special girl. While I know there’s a chance, it’s still difficult for me at the moment because we’re just friends, yet I stil love her. So it’s hard for me to talk to her without the affection, the normal things I say, and I don’t want that to ruin our chances. It’s just so hard to know what to do that will work most likely in the long run. Anyway, it’s not something i can control, so I won’t worry about it. Simple as that. Basic CBT right there ladies and gentlemen. If you can’t control something, then don’t worry about it. Seriously. Don’t. You can’t do anything, so it’ll happen and you’ll get to the next stage, but at least you didnt have to sit around being worried for a period of time.

Last night I had a strange dream. Again, thanks to the seraquel which seems to effect dreams in a lot of different ways, the dream was about my Nana, who died very recently. She was a ghost, trying to make contact with me. I wasn’t terrorfied because I knew it was her, but I was still scared becaues I thought it was real at the time. It was one of those semi-conscious dreams, I was actually awake, I could have opened my eyes, but I didn’t. I do know that the room got colder, a lot colder, very quickly. Then it just sort of dissapeared. I have two things I do when I get scared at night. Firstly, I remind myself that Mika, is a cat, and I believe that cats are the ancient guardians to the otherworlds. So when you are with one, you are protected. Secondly I channel my energy into a “force field” around me, enforcing that nothing harmful can get through. This might sound crazy to some people. I do not believe in God, or follow any religion. I do however, believe in energies, karma, destiny, fate and souls / spirits (or sometimes we call ghosts).

When I visited ground zero, many years ago (Ground Zero is where twin towers wants stood). It was very uncomfortable energy around that place. It was eery, and bitter. I myself do not believe that the current 9/11 story is correct, there’s more to it, but we just don’t know what and maybe we never will.

Anyway, so I want to see for myself if I’m doing alright, so I’m going to list the goods, and the mistakes / bads below and see how it looks;

The Good.

  • I’m feeling overall better, more stable.
  • I’m on what I believe at least a good combination of drugs to manage everything going on.
  • I am talking to people, thinking rationally, going out and doing things for myself like shopping, etc.
  • I’m still writing this blog.
  • My boss from work still understands my situation, but I offered to come in anytime as an emergency contact if needed and he agreed. Happy to help in out in that way.
  • I have quite smoking (cigarettes). I used an e-cig, which doesnt have the thousands of chemicals in normal cigs. It’s literally just liquid nicotine. I’ve felt an improvement in my lungs, breathing overall so I would recommend one to anyone trying to quit. Seriously it’s great, and cheaper overall too.
  • I haven’t abused codeine or had endone in a while. I don’t know exactly how long it’s been, but I have had nor abused either of these two old enemies of mine. This of course is good because It’s a lot easier to fight the tendency when you aren’t physically or medically addicted to said drugs.
  • I’ve made some silly decisions this month, but ultimately I knew straight away, and acknowledging mistakes and making sure you remember them is a great way to stay clear of pass habits.

The Bad

  • I did smoke some bud, over the past couple of days.
  • I could help more around the flat but I’m kind of demotivated, lazy and a bit selfish at the moment.
  • I’m still unsure what’s up with my relationship. It’s just weird, like I know we are “just friends”, but that transition for me is seeming difficult. It’s hard to from loving someone to just being friends. Gotta give it time I guess.
  • Room’s still a bit dirty, could do with a proper tidy up.
  • Still need to get my bike maintenance done which is quite important. Just so inconvenient I keep putting it off
  • I still spend too much time in bed. Normally just watching streams or TV. The only good part is when I’m writing these blogs, but that takes up only a small portion of my day.
  • Giving up Tafe, trying again next / semester. I’m going to the UK soon anyway, and I have the ADAPT 3 week program to do at some point.

Seems like there is a lot of good and bad, I just have to work hard on improving the stuff I’m bad at, and hopefully it’ll become more normalized and easier without having to think about it.

Another pretty uninteresting blog, guess my life is getting better. The less serious m blog is, the more I realize that I’m ok. Getting better. We’ll see



The Ultimate Manipulation

You know, manipulation, is more common than you think. Some do it deliberately, some accidentally without even knowing it. But this is not what I’m actually talking about. I’m talking about manipulating yourself. To a certain degree, it’s probably a good thing, but for some people maybe it does more harm than good. Here I sit, writing the complete and utter truth. I’m high, I’ve smoked a joint. First one I’ve had in a while. It’s nice, I shouldn’t have. It’s totally against what I’ve been working towards.  Anyway, I’m not trying to get you into drugs, for your ownsake never start. It’s much easier that way. Anyway back to what I was saying. Manipulation. I’m sitting here, kind of high, but also kind of scared. I think my own brain has manipulated me into a situation I didn’t really want to be in. I don’t want to be smoking anything, even if it’s just on occasion. I can’t say I’m not a person who has done their normal share of experiments and some can be good, and some can be bad. It’s mostly about being safe about it. If you’re going to do anything, read up on it first. Make sure you’re aware of what you at least getting yourself into. Still dodging manipulation. See my brain’s still trying to do it. Trying to get me to type about stuff so the important part I’m trying say get missed.I feel like I’ve given it my best effort. I feel like I tried my best, every step of the way to make the right decisions. The wrong ones I corrected, and trust me I paid my price for it. Withdrawal from anything is not something you want to experience…Ever. I’m sitting here, trying to figure out whether I’m ok, or I’ve messed everything up again. Lied to people, hidden things, done things i shouldn’t have, or is it just normal that I’m not perfect, and it was never going to be realistic for me to not have some battles with addiction as it goes on.  I do feel like I’ve made an effort. I do feel like I’ve been more responsible with my medication. I do feel like I’m improving  and getting better. But I am scared, because I still have moments, or tendencies to go back to the ways I used to be. The bud is ok, I’m fine to smoke that occasionally, it’s not a concern. However, the Valium is for medication purposes only. I cannot deny, especially when I smoke a valium would be very pleasant with it. But I can’t. It’s my safety net. Not to be used without correct procedures to be  followed. I do still feel that overall I am in control. I don’t believe I have any problems with any drugs at the moment, and even I have slipped up with the valium on occasion, I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I made a mistake, I acknowledged it. Now I’m going to move on and try harder to make sure I don’t give in to temptation. The thing that interests me is I sit here, not really knowing exactly how i got to this point. I think my brain can be so manipulating, to myself, that sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing. I just sort let it happen. I don’t feel like I made a  choice, it just happened.

You know things are hard, very hard. My life is boring, because I’m doing nothing because I cannot work or study. I will fix this, and at least I get out of the house once a day at minimum. While I’m friends with my x gf, and very happy that we can at least be friends, sometimes I still wonder if it really will happen. Will we actually get back together, or is she just going to forget about me? Answers only she knows, but obviously I will never know, nor ask. I need my mum, but she’s been away for almost two years. It was required, and I’m not resentful or anything, but I need her. I need to lose weight, I’m actually gaining so much its starting to worry me. Maybe at least way I’ll definitely run because I cannot get fat. Me writing this blog is going to cause some concern. I’m sure they’ll be a call from someone saying something, but ultimately I don’t mind. I know that there are things I need to do better. I need to look after myself better, keep my room tidier, shower every day. Brush my flipping teeth. I mean I did clean my room today, and I was happy I did. And I did some washing up, mostly mine but some may have been robs. I did that too. I went over to the other side and talked to Liv and Byron for a few mins. I had a conversation or two, I got out of bed and went to my Centrelink appointment. I got up and played my pc instead of lying in bed all watching others do what I should be doing. Having fun,

Maybe I am doing well afterall, and I shouldn’t judge myself on this small “mistake”. I cannot deny that right now I feel good. Nice and relaxed, but not because of what I took, but mainly because I have the courage and strength to write this blog right now. I manipulated myself, I always do, and I always have to pay the price. This is just one of those times. The only difference is I could have most likely done it, never said anything about it and it never even have existed. But I am writing it, not because I need help. Not because I’m suddenly a crack addict or whatever, but simply because I am trying my god damn best, but I have maybe made a mistake or two, and this isn’t something I’m willing to hide…from anybody. The world, and my family has to see the real me, for the good, and bad. Hopefully mostly good, and I’ll continue to do what i can to be that guy.

You should too. Think of something horrible you did. Acknowledge it was horrible, now let it go. Accept the mistake and know that you’ve learned from your mistake.

It’s a great way to crawl out of a place where you’ve made many mistakes. Your friends, family and medical practitioners cannot look after your well, unless you’re prepared to tell truth.

My Flower

You know, life isn’t as simple as it might appear to be. Maybe right now you’re too young to see that. Maybe it’s wrong of me too be asking this much of you. Maybe, I’m a fool. I saw you, an angel of light in a time where my world was shrouded in darkness. I was drawn to you, and as fate would have it you embraced me into your loving arms. You saved me on more occasions than you’ll ever know. You mean more to me than you’ll ever realize. You changed my life, and gave me something I’d lost. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Hope.

Time went by, and we grew closer, and closer, and closer. It was a beautiful thing. I could not believe what was happening and although I’m not a man of any religious beliefs I thanked the stars of destiny for bringing our paths together. I knew, you were the one. I look at you, and I see life. I see joy, happiness, freedom, perfection. It was incredible. Never had I thought in a million years could one person have such an impact on how oneself feels, both physically and mentally.

Then one day it changed. As I’ve always seen it, loving someone is about putting them first, looking after them. I loved you, I still do, and I will always do that. Unfortunately, whether it’s because you were too young, or whatever the reason, you chose yourself over me. You abandoned me, left me to deal with my life on my own while you invest all your time yours. At your age, this is perfectly reasonable. It is completely understandable, and I would never, and have never, had any resentment, or hateful feelings towards you because of it.

But I am hurt. It is a deep wound. When two people are in love, they hold each other’s hearts in their hands. When one person ends this, especially so quickly, and brutally, it leaves a scar. A deep one. My heart was ripped from my chest, and I was left to scoop it back up and put it in before I died. While I didn’t physically die, for a little while, I was dead. How can I live when my reason for living, my light in the dark, my angel and protector, left me to focus on her own life.  I don’t know what hurt me more, the fact that it was so easy for her to let go, or the fact that she actually did it.

Timing couldn’t have been worse. Relations with my own family are hard, they got too involved and ended up getting too stressed out about it all. It got out of control. My dad’s mum died, which is the first real death in our family that any of us kids had to deal with. My deepest sympathies for my dad, as I can imagine it must be hard for him. Stef has Byron, Rob has Amanda, and I….I had no one. The one who I could turn to in times like this, who would guide me through it, simply by being there, was nowhere to be seen. She was already gone. She still is. I wake up everyday, hoping that this will be the day that she remembers I exist. I hope she remembers who I am, and what we were. I hope she remembers how happy we were together, and maybe she’ll let me know that at the very least she still cares.

It’s hard to love someone, when they don’t love you back. It’s even harder when they ignore your existence. I feel invisible. I am invisible. I am simply not here. What once was a huge part of my life, and a huge part of hers, is now simply a memory. A memory that’s fading each day. Maybe she was too young. This was inevitable? Possibly I was naive, to believe that things would stay as amazing as they were forever. Honestly, I didn’t expect that, but I expected rough times, or small breaks, fights, challenges. I didn’t expect in a million years to be completely abandoned. No contact, no acknowledgement. She care’s not how I feel, nor how this is affecting me. At the moment, like most early teenagers she is deep inside her personal bubble. Only things she wants can get inside, and she is almost completely oblivious to the outside. I write this, here, exposing it, because I don’t think she even reads my blogs. I wish she did, I wish she’d realize how important they are to me, and how much I would appreciate a line from her. I’d appreciate anything from her. Just to let me know that she remembers I exist.

I cannot say what the future holds anymore, a month or two ago I was sure I knew our future, but things have changed. She has changed. Her changing was always going to happen, but we didn’t know how it would effect our relationship. Unfortunately, it destroyed it. Broken beyond repair? I don’t know. Even after everything that’s happened I still love her, and I’d go to the end of the world to find the hammer that would let us repair what has been shattered so viciously. Unfortunately, ultimately it’s not about what I want. It’s about what she wants. This is entirely on her, and what I believe she doesn’t realize is ceasing to acknowledge that I exist, is her effectively letting me go. Forever.

I will wait for her, a little longer, but I need a sign. I need something. She might not want to talk to me, maybe she hates me I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’ve ever wronged her. I did everything within my power to make her smile, laugh and be happy. I don’t feel like I deserve this avoidance. I don’t feel like she cares at all how much she’s hurting me. I don’t think she even realizes.

It’s one thing to take a break, or even break up, but it’s another to abandon someone completely, especially at a time when you know they need you. The worst part is I love her so much I can’t even be angry about it. I don’t even care that she left me, while I needed her the most. I can’t expect that of someone so young. What was I thinking in the first place?.

The problem with love, is that you don’t really choose who you fall in love with. If it’s real, it just happens. That’s what happened to us, and it definitely the happiest 6 months of my life, even with everything else going on around it. I often hear people say “If only you’d met a little later, or there’d been less of an age difference”. It’s weird because I don’t agree. I believe we met at the perfect time, because it was perfect. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl, and although I know a lot will change as she gets older, I still believe that she’ll still be the same girl I fell in love with. I wish that things could be easier. I wish she would take me back, I wish we could go back to the way things were. I know we could, but I don’t think she does. I can’t persuade her, I can’t even talk to her. She won’t talk to me, and I know that I cannot force anything to happen, so I just have to hold on and wait.

Maybe I messed up, maybe I didn’t? Maybe this has nothing to do with me. Maybe it has everything to do with me. Maybe I screwed up, maybe in a parallel universe, we are still together. Maybe in this universe that ultimately still ends up being the result. I really hope so. I could be wrong, but I feel like I will never have the same kind of love, and affection that I feel for this girl. I felt like our souls had embraced, bound together. I feel this is why I am hurting so badly, because our souls didn’t want to separate, but they were ripped apart.

It’s scary for me because a lot of the time I feel a life without her is not worth it anymore. While my logical side keeps me from acting or doing anything irrational upon these feelings, it doesn’t mean it’s not how I truly feel. It is crushing. It is devastating. All I can do is just keep going day by day. Keep writing my blogs. Keep trying to do more things that normal people do. I’ve managed to a lot more games in the past couple of days, that’s good. I’m enjoying some stuff. I actually enjoy writing a lot. It’s why my blog is becoming increasingly more active. Although I don’t always have that much to write about, I normally just write whatever my brain dictates to me. This often seems to give the best results. This way you’re actually just reading my brain. Anything I say here is just what was in my head at the the time.

This blog, this particular one, is actually a bit of a risk. I’m not entirely sure yet I’m even going to release it. It simply may not be the right time, nor may it be fair on the other person who’s so often mentioned in this post. People close to me will know who I’m talking about, but that also means she’ll know they know.

Releasing this could ultimately cause even more damage to what is already a complete wreck of a situation.

So for now, I’ll release it as private, and only give access to a few people to read. We’ll see what happens and go from there.