The Hurting

Just when you think things can’t get more complicated, they do. It’s how life works. Unfortunately, my Nana (Rosie) has been in hospital for the past couple of weeks. It wasn’t clear really how severe things were until we were informed that she had been sedated and put on oxygen support. At some point over the past day or so she was meant to come out of sedation, however as cruel as life is, she hasn’t woken up. They say she had a stroke while sedated and is now in a coma with some brain damage. It is unlikely she will wake up, and while my love an positive energy is with her, we all know how this most likely ends.

The imminent passing of someone close to you is a strange process, especially for the first time. I cannot imagine how my dad is feeling, nor my sister who was very very close to Rosie. Over the past year or two I have gotten quite close to Rosie as well, exchanging emails with her multiple times throughout the last 12 months. While I was in the UK last year, we walked together along the canals where she lives and for the first time had an adult to adult discussion. In just those few hours I learnt more about Rosie and how we are similar in many ways than any other amount of time spent with her in my entire life. We bonded, and found comfort in agreeing on many things regarding the nature of life, and basically entire existence.

I sit here, thinking about what to write, and I’m speechless. In combination with everything else going on, I’m struggling to really process what’s happening. I think I know that I can’t handle this right now, and so I have to remain strong and focus on helping others through this period. I understand that it’s the nature of life. I understand that this situation will effect everyone differently. Everyone will react in their own way, in attempt to deal with how difficult it is. For me, I try to think about how lucky I am to have such a wonderful Nana. How lucky I was to know her, and spend time with her. How grateful I am that although things are looking …(I don’t know how to put it), looking like they are, I find comfort in the fact that she will not be in pain. From what I know about Rosie she lived a fantastic and fulfilling life. She is an incredibly interesting and charismatic person to talk to. Anyone who had the privilege of meeting her would agree. I can’t imagine how hard this is for her children, or her husband.

None of us were really expecting it, and none of us have ever had to deal with this before. We’re all quite shaken up, but we are sticking together. Talking, laughing, crying, thinking, living. Now is a time where family matters most. Supporting one another through something like this is the only way to get through it.

I really don’t know what to write any more. I’m not even sure I should be writing this, but I know I had to write something. It may be selfish, but I’m trying to keep it together, so I can spend my time helping others through this period as opposed to myself.

It seems impossible to be ready for this. It feels surreal. I might not even release this for a few days because I’m not sure it’s appropriate for me to release this at this time.

Love you Nana Rosie, this post is dedicated to you.

Harrison aka Kinkymuffin

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Published by: Kinkymuffin

I've been through a lot, like many others before me, and many more to come. Drug addiction is no joke. It's a war that never ends. I've learned to cope with my addiction by writing truthfully about it. If it can help just one person, then it was worth it.

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