Seriously. If you feel like you are in control, it is far easier to handle anything and everything that comes your way. What does control actually mean though? How far does one go to feel in control, and how important is it to have that feeling. Can you go too far? Questions that should be asked, but cannot be answered because control is perspective based and differs for each and every one of us. For me, being in control is about knowing that I am moving forward. It’s about making sure I am at the very least trying new things, new strategies, new medication, new everything to hopefully one day wake up and feel normal. So for me, being in control is about actively making decisions and making sure that things are always changing, always progressing. Without this, I become a mess. I believe that when I don’t feel in control, my anxiety spikes, and my judgement becomes impaired. It’s those times that previously I’ve had a tendency to self medicate or abuse drugs. It’s important to realize and accept when you have lost control, then seek help. Tell a family member, or someone you can trust and confide in. Control is an important part of life. Being in control of your emotions, and logical thoughts is vital to maintaining a healthy mentality and keeping yourself in check. For many people, this probably isn’t much of a problem, in fact it’s probably automatic for a lot of us. For those people, I envy you, but do not resent you. I am glad that for some people control is something that comes without the need to consciously think about it. For me, and many others, it’s a bit harder. I have to actively think about it pretty much 100% of the time. Every decision I make, thought I have, or action I do, has to go through the security clearance to make sure it’s in my best interest. Without this, I would simply lose it. There are many wild, irrational thoughts that pop into my head throughout each day and being in control means i know when to let these thoughts go and when to acknowledge them as rational or meaningful at all.
I’m really glad today is a sunny day. It’s a lovely clear blue sky, not too humid, with a nice breeze here and there. Mika (my kitten) is sleeping quietly next to me on my bed. I sit here and write my thoughts while watching a hearthstone competition in the background. Today is a good day. I seem to be having more and more of these over the past week and I’m very happy about it. It means progress is being made. I’m not exactly sure why, a lot has changed over the past couple of weeks in regards to my health, my thoughts, my concerns, my activities, my medicine, and my plans for the imminent and distant future. Whatever is the cause, it doesn’t matter, because I know I’m making progress. I’m still quite anxious, but I’m starting to be able to feel again. The anxiety is not too bad and I’m feeling like it’s controllable and I’m going to get through this. I always do, not because I am the best #cocky etc, but simply because I’ve been through all of this before and I always come out the other side. Sometimes it takes a while, and it damn sure can be tough, but I will never give up. It’s simply not an option. It never has been, and it never will be. For those of you out there that currently feel like you will never get better. Believe me, I have felt that, a thousand times, and it’s really important to realize that it could not be further from the truth. You WILL get better, you just have to allow it to be an option. Understand that it takes time, hard work, dedication, frustration, pain and suffering. It’s not easy, nothing ever is, but the reward is worth it. Just keep going, second by second, hour by hour, day by day, and I promise you if you remain open to the idea that you will get better, then eventually you will. Just make sure you are doing what you think is right, always have a plan, always make sure you are trying new strategies and talking to people around you about how you feel and what’s best for you. No one knows you better than yourself, not even the medical professionals. I’m not saying you can say what medicine you need, but you have to trust yourself in order to move forward.
Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.
And you will get through this. I will get through this
Harry, aka Kinkymuffin