I sit here. Bewildered by the overwhelming number of thoughts and feelings that run through my clearly overly active brain. I’ve had my (mild) coffee, I’ve taken my mornings medication, and I’ve rebooked to see my GP since somehow I didn’t wake up through not one but THREE alarms this morning and missed the appointment. Overall, I believe that the medication I’m on, finally, might actually be the correct one for me. Even though things couldn’t be more hard, I’m coping with it much better than normal. I’m sad, but not depressed. I’m nervous, but not anxious. I’m angry, but not furious. All normal feelings for someone in my situation. It’s funny how you can get better, even when things are actually getting worse. I’m slowly losing the one thing I never wanted to lose. I don’t know the outcome yet, all I can do is simply wait and hope that it comes back. I know in my heart that we were happy. So happy. I also know that I fucked everything up by showing myself when I was at my worst. I scared someone. Someone too young to see such a thing, and as a result, I may have lost the one thing I never wanted to lose. That is hard to swallow. Especially since I don’t even know the answer yet. I am waiting. Whatever the answer, I know that I have to do what’s best for both of us. What’s best for me is what’s best for her. I love her, and I will always put her happiness first, even if it directly conflicts with my own. That’s what you do when you love someone. It sucks, it’s breaking my heart, and crushing my soul. If the outcome is what it’s looking like it will be, it will take me time to recover. It will be hard, and I know it’s going to be incredibly difficult to get through it. I will though. I have no choice. I will not give up. I accept that life for me is a challenge. If there is a god, he like’s to test me, over and over, and over, and over, and over again. I don’t believe in him. I believe that this is just my path. Not everyone’s path is a good one, not everyone’s path is easy. Everyone has their own challenges, and how hard it is depends on your perspective. For me, everything is hard, but ultimately it’s what makes me able to survive. Another technique that anyone who feels things aren’t good is to say to yourself “Although I don’t feel like it, I am grateful for the internal and external things in my life”. Then list them. I’ll do that here:
I am grateful for:
- My family, and the love and support they have giving me
- My friends, and the love and support they have giving me
- My own strength, and the ability to fight on when things look grim
- My brain, I am lucky to have one that’s strong enough to endure such a volatile life.
- My health, while I’ve had my issues, overall I am actually physically healthy.
- My financial situation, while of course I’m not rich, I have a roof over my head, a motorbike, a computer, clothes, food, shelter, safety.
- My medical professionals; Debby and Dr Singer, both who have looked after me, and helped me through these times. Getting the right medication has been a hard task but I feel like we finally might have gotten there
- My therapist, who has helped me immeasurably in changing the way I think, which ultimately has helped me a lot when things have been hard.
- My kitten, Mika, who helped me when I needed a friend. She was there for me. She is very special to me, and you cannot under estimate how much an animal companion can help when you need it.
- This blog; which has helped me express my feelings. It helps to write them down. It allows clarity, and to read back over them and see the progress that’s been made. I also hope it’s helped others, even if on average about 5 people read each post (haha).
Truth be told, I could go on and on with more positive things that have helped. The list is endless, but it can be very hard to see these things for what they are when your mind is clouded with negative emotions. It’s times like that where you have to try really hard to focus on the good things. It won’t help straight away, it’s not a magical instant fix, but if you keep at it, keep saying it, it will actually start to help. When you say something in your head, whether you feel it or not, there is a physical reaction. So if you keep on repeating how grateful you are for all the positive things in your life, you will eventually start to feel good about them. I was skeptical when first told about this tactic, but I can honestly tell you it does work. You have to keep at it though. Keep on being grateful, keep on being positive, and eventually you’ll start to feel it.
When at your at your worst, when you feel weak. This is the time where you have to find strength in your weakness. Overcome it. Face it, don’t run. You have nothing to lose, unless you let yourself lose. Times like this for me, are when I feel the need to abuse drugs. I’ll have a thought like “Man, I would love to take a bunch of x pills, or go grab some y from the chemist and get that buzz to feel good”. I know this is a trap. It is a trap, it will make you feel good for a short amount of time, but then you’ll feel even worse. This is hiding from your feelings. Hiding is not the answer, facing them, accepting them, and letting them go is how you ultimately get better. I’ve learnt this the hard way. I’ve been through withdrawal from abusing drugs, not once, not even twice, but three times. It’s hard. Really hard, and you have no one to blame but yourself. Of course don’t judge yourself, we all make mistakes and recognizing the mistakes, and learning from them is what you need to do. Not criticize yourself because of bad decisions. I respect my medication now, and I resist temptations to abuse them when times are tough. It’s hard at the time, but it makes it easier overall because it allows you to heal. Those negative feelings, those bad thoughts, are actually just part of the healing process. It’s normal sometimes to feel bad. For people like me, it’s sometimes difficult to tell the difference between feeling down / sad because of some event and panicking, thinking “oh shit, I’m depressed again”. Right now, I am sad, and worried, and nervous, but I know these are normal feelings for what I’m going through. I’m not judging myself, and I’m trying my best to remain optimistic and hope things work out for the best. I am prepared though, for that not being the case. There’s a very real chance it doesn’t work out. Coming to terms with that, before and when it happens is important. It will allow you to cope with it better, long and short term.
Still I sit here, wishing, hoping, that somehow, things work out. It’s all I want, and I believe that it’s how it should be, but I am prepared for whatever happens.
Unfortunately, this is something I cannot control, it is entirely out of my control. Situations I can’t control are often the hardest for me to deal with, because I feel much better when I am in control.
A good challenge? Yes, a challenge I wanted to face? Never, not in a million years. Will it work out? I don’t know. Is it going to be hard? Absolutely. Will I get through it? You bet I will. Why’s that you ask? It’s simple, it’s because I don’t give up. Ever.
And no matter how bad things look for you and your situation, don’t give up either. We can all get through this, it’s just a part of life.
Life is tough, but so are we.
Harrison aka Kinkymuffin