Ok, so I lost something today. Something I didn’t want to lose. That something, brought me so much happiness, and losing it, has rocked my foundations to the core. There are two ways to react to this; I could wallow in self pity for a bit, give up, let my negativity slowly consume my mind, body and soul. Start abusing drugs again as the easy quick fix. Or, I could just get redirect all that sadness, all that devastation, all that emotion and pour it into something productive. I’m going to go with the second one on this one. I feel like maybe I’ve been at this crossing before, and I think I know which way I normally go, and I’ve seen how that works out. Not good. That’s all I really need to tell you, and if you’ve read my previous blogs, you probably know about it in more detail.
So this sucks, it fucking sucks. It god damn fucking sucks so much. It’s absolutely fucking shit. It’s fucking so god damn fucking shitty and annoying and fuck fuck fuck. Alright, now that’s out of my system, fuck, no there’s a little bit more. In fact there’s a lot fucking more. So let’s get it out there. God fucking damn it. Seriously, for fucks sake. Fuck. One time? Maybe? Please? Fuck, no of course not. Alright, now that we’ve successfully beating the world record of number of times pointlessly saying fuck to let out some frustration, let’s be civil. First on the agenda, looking after oneself in tough times. I’m quite an expert in this, and I would thoroughly recommend avoiding all drugs, excluding maybe a small glass of wine, and a cigarette if you indulge. Order yourself some nice food. I’ve got Chinese on the way as I write this. Was it expensive? Yes, it was, way too much for one person to be an efficiently costed meal. Do I care? Absolutely not. I need that right now. Just don’t do everyday. Got friends? Talk to them, got a family? Talk to them. Got a kitten? Talk to him/her. It’s ok to be hurt. It’s ok to be really sad. It’s ok to feel angry, frustrated, it’s important to realize that it’s OK to feel. Do not judge yourself, don’t criticize yourself if you feel weak, or miserable, or anything. Just understand that emotions are part of life, and it’s written in the fine print which you signed without knowing when you popped into this world.
I believe certain things happen for a reason. While I don’t think it’s always possible to understand why things happen, it’s important to realize when you’re in a situation that you cannot change, and it’s equally, if not more important to realize when you then have to switch your attention almost immediately to the imminent and distant implications of said event. This is what I have to do. I can’t change what’s happened, it wasn’t ever my decision, and while it’s not what I wanted, I cannot deny that I see logic and reason within the decision that has so harshly impacted my world. It’s going to be hard. I might see things that upset me deeply, but again it’s not under my control. I know in my heart what I desire, and I hope that the path I take, and the decisions I make going forward lead me back to where I once was. I hope with all my heart that things will work out, and we’ll be together again. Whether it will happen, I cannot say. I think its less to do with me, and far more to do with the other person. I cannot blame them for their decision, nor could I be upset in the future if they no longer have the same desire as myself. With regards to that, all I can do is wait and see. However I have no plan on simply waiting, mainly because it would drive me insane if that was my main focus. I can barely go 2 minutes when it comes to anticipation. So I will focus on other things, and hopefully, it’ll eventually work it out. Firstly I need to get back into shape. I am unfit as hell, eating a bit too much junk food at the moment. (understandably so but this will have to stop). I’ve already quit smoking, which is good, and I basically never drink. I haven’t abused any drugs recently, and while I have felt temped to, particularly today, I still have not. Instead I sit here, writing whatever comes into my head. I might go to the UK if Tafe does not work out. It would be good to see some people over there, and there are some other reasons for going too, which I’d prefer not to discuss here. I’m going to join some kind of self defense class, probably a basic one like Taekwando. I need to fill my life with more activities. I may even try streaming again. I might go to a basic maintenance course for motorbikes, as I have developed a keen interest for them over the past 2 years.
I guess the point of this post is that you can see something like this two ways as per the title above. It’s the either the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning. This time, for me, I choose the latter. It might feel like the end of something, but I’m going to believe it’s simply the start of something new. I feel the fire of passion inside me. I feel my desire to triumph. I will not be defeated by life. Fuck you life. Bring it. I’ve been through enough shit. I can handle whatever you want to throw at me. I will not give up. I will not back down. I will not surrender.
I will keep going, and I’m going to succeed, and you know how I know this?
Because I just wrote this blog.