I’m afraid of what I can’t control

As I sit here this morning, writing a text message to someone apologizing for the way I acted yesterday, I realized something. I’m afraid of things I can’t control. I am absolutely awful at dealing with situations that I do not have control of. Epiphany. Hearthstone, a card game. A lot of skill, but also a lot of luck, because you don’t control the order you draw your cards. You don’t control how good your opponent is, or what deck he is playing. That’s why I find it so hard to play. I’m not in control, and I hate that. No, I don’t hate it. I fear it. It makes me anxious. I often refer to needing a medication called valium as safety net, for when my anxiety gets too bad…you know…out of control. Valium WILL make me calm, and while I haven’t need to use it anywhere near as much recently because I’m doing well, having i there, simply as a safety blanket puts my mind at ease because I have the control.

I’m upset about something, and i’m taking it harder than normal, you know why? Because it wasn’t my decision, it was out of my control. I basically had no say, and I’m actually ok with it. I understand the reasons, and I do not blame the other person for doing what they think is best for them. In fact I sort of agree it’s good for them. I only want what’s best for them, because I love them. But the aspect of it that I’m finding hard to let go of, is the simple fact that this means I have no control. I am no longer part of something where we both had a say. Losing control makes me irrational, it makes me angry, upset, biased, furious, resentful, hateful. I say things I don’t mean, and think things that aren’t true. I did that yesterday, and I hurt someone because of it. I regret it. I apologized, but I understand the damage may have potentially just made everything a million times worse. The very least I can do from this mass wreckage is salvage some wisdom, some knowledge. That being that I, Harrison Gray, have issues with control.

So what do you do when you realize you’re afraid of something. Well instinctively for me, it’s too hide from it, or seek ways around it. However I know from experience that the best way to move forward is to man up (incoming sexism whining from random people) and face it. I have to play more hearthstone, because I have to accept that I don’t have control. I want to get to the best rank, but I’m so scared of playing because what if I lose. I can’t make myself win everygame. No one can. Most people’s win % is around 50%, if you’re good, you might have 51/52%, and the pro’s a little higher. So a game where you lose so often is naturally hard for me to play because I tend to take every defeat personally. Like it’s my fault completely and I’m a failure etc. I know I’ve written about this before, but I didn’t go into detail about how it all stems down to the lack of control.

The medication I am taking for anxiety I believe is actually working. Finally, I might have found the one that actually does help. It took over 15 months, and a lot of ups and downs to get here. The reason I believe it’s working is because of the subtle differences in the way I’m feeling right now. I’m upset, but not depressed. I’m angry, but not furious. I’m nervous, but not anxious. I’m worried, but not panicking. I feel sad, but not hopeless. All normal emotions you’d expect to feel after an emotional situation that ultimately ending (or at least put on hold) something truly beautiful.

My dad believes in souls, and believes that we have a soul path (or something along these lines). While I’m not sure exactly what I believe, I do think there is some truth to it. Looking back over my life so far, it does seem that I very often have to deal with situations that are very difficult to deal with. It seems like my life is full of events, some good, some bad. The issue is, you never appreciate the good ones enough, and get totally caught up in the bad ones. I’ve had a rough couple of years, but I’ still here. I’m still alive, and I do feel stronger, wiser, and more grateful than ever that I’m alive and healthy. I have a loving family, and other families who’ve treated me like I’m their own. The Australian medical system, whether some people agree or not, has been overall fantastic. I’ve been to hospital many times, three times for surgery and I’ve paid literally nothing for it. All these things we take for granted. I’ve been able to survive thanks to centrelink. I am studying, or trying to, but while it’s difficult for me sometimes to keep at it, I still get the help I need when I’ve used up all my savings over the past 2 years on medication, and therapy etc.

I think going forward, one of my main challenges is to overcome this fear of what I can’t control. I need to embrace it, and do everything I can to put myself in positions where I don’t have control. Only through this, can I learn to accept it, and be ok with it. It’ll be hard. Baby steps required. I mean right now it’s hard to play a rng (random number generated) game because I don’t feel in control. It’s why I hate flying too, because I’m not controlling the plane. I love my motorcycle, because I’m completely in control. I love writing this blog, because I’m completely in control. I need to start doing activities where I don’t have that control. It’ll take me some time to think of some, but I’m sure I can come up with a few ideas If I try.

Today it’s nice outside. It’s a clear blue sky. Looks sunny but not too hot. I’ll try to go for a walk. I’m meant to do exercise everyday anyway, and while I’ve been doing well overall, I have missed a few days here and there. My rooms a bit messy. I should clean it. I will do after I’ve finished writing this blog. I’ve got GTA V to play for the PC, which I’m looking forward to playing soon. Maybe I’ll even give it a go today. I’ve been eating way way too much chocolate and junk food. I guess i’ve been comforting myself with it. It’s bad, but better than me abusing drugs which is what I believe I would normally do in situations like this. Progress?Absolutely.

Even with everything that’s happened, I still find myself feeling overall quite optimistic. I feel like things are getting better. It’s weird because normally at times like this I would crash and burn hard, and while I’ve had those moments. It’s only been moments, hours, as opposed to weeks or months. This is a huge improvement. I’ve got the “manage your pain” book, which I finally bought (actually my sister did, god bless her). I’ve been reading it and I can relate to everything in it. It’s actually a very interesting book, and I find myself intrigued by it, because of how much I can relate to almost everything that I’ve read so far. I’m only 2 chapters in!

Things “Look” grim, but “Feel” better. I’m able to acknowledge i’m hurt, but I’m able to accept it’s out of my control, and normal to feel this way. Sometimes you will feel bad, and it’s really important to allow these feelings to pass through you. In order to do that, you do have to accept them, and then let them go. Don’t trap them inside by denying them or redirecting your attention. It’s actually very important to process emotions properly. Some find it easier than others, some may even do it sub-consciously without even thinking about it. Maybe for them it’s the easy, for most of us, I imagine it’s hard.

Life is hard. It’s up and down, it’s sinister, and evil, but it’s also beautiful, wonderful, loving and full of surprises. You don’t have complete control of what happens, but you do have control of how you process, manage and deal with everything. That’s important to realize, something I’ve only just discovered. It took me 24 years to realize this, so if you know it already, then I’m proud of you. You’ve learnt a valuable lesson much sooner than myself, which ultimately will help you to steer your life in the direction you desire.

I only hope it’s not too late for me to do the same. I know what I desire, and I know it’s mostly out of my control whether it happens or not, but I will control the aspects of my life that I can, and hope that life rewards me for my efforts.

Life is not simple, it’s unfair and complicated, but without this, what would be the point? Exactly, so control yourself and let life run it’s course. You can’t control the course, but you can control how you move through it.




Published by: Kinkymuffin

I've been through a lot, like many others before me, and many more to come. Drug addiction is no joke. It's a war that never ends. I've learned to cope with my addiction by writing truthfully about it. If it can help just one person, then it was worth it.

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