There are times in life when you fight for something that is already lost. You keep fighting, and with it, comes more scars, more pain and more suffering. All pointless, because the fight was over, you just haven’t accepted it yet.
I’ve been through that. Many have, and it becomes a lot easier to deal with once you sit back, reflect, and understand that sometimes no matter how hard it is, no matter how badly you want it to be different, you have….to let go.
Letting go allows you to move forward. Something that you must do in order to keep your life going. It’s time like this where you need to redirect your focus not only onto something else, but something that matters to you. For me, this is Tafe, and getting myself fit again. I need to start running regularly, doing push ups, and sit ups. I want my flat stomach again, and I want to feel more healthy. I also want to complete my tafe course, so I can get out there and start giving back to the community. Although I sitll have another year left after this one to do the Diploma, I know that it’s what I want to do, and I cannot wait until I can start contributing and helping others. I know that in some odd way, the things I’ve had to go through are actually a blessing as well as a curse. It means that when I do start helping others, and they say the oh so often used sentence “You don’t understand what it’s like”, I can say, actually, yes, I do, because I’ve been there.
I am a believer in fate and destiny. I do not believe you set your own path entirely, but you definitely get to influence which way it goes. I did not choose to have three surgeries. I did not choose to suffer from severe anxiety, depression and chronic pain. I did however, choose to overcome it, I chose to write this blog, expose my life to whomever wants a glimpse of what it’s like. I’m choosing to dedicate my life to helping others who are also suffering. I don’t care about money, I care about people. I know how hard it is, and helping people to cope is far more valuable than any amount of money that someone could dump in my pocket. Sure I’d like to get paid more, but that’s not what my dream is about. I want to help people, share my knowledge, experiences and empathy with people who need it. Help them to help themselves. Millions of people need this, and I’m sure many do not get the help they need.
I am no perfect human. I’ve made many mistakes, wronged many people, lied, manipulated, the lot. Everyone’s hand is dirty, and mine is as dirty as the next persons. However I can admit it, and admitting to yourself that you do make mistakes, you do mess things up, is an important part of growing as a person. It is however important to not criticize or judge yourself. Acknowledging one’s faults and judging them are two very different things. One is helpful, the latter is detrimental. Truth be told right now i am partially broken. I’m aware this will be a tough couple of weeks for me. I will get through it though. I will get back to tafe. I will catch up on what I’ve missed. I will engage in some more activities. I will say yes to more questions, and no to quick fixes, like drugs and alcohol.
Non existent god is testing me. I accept. I accepted the day I was born. I never give up. I have my moments where I feel helpless, we all do, but we humans are remarkably resilient. I will rise from the ashes, I will conquer my fears, my worries and my issues. I will take control of my life. I will be happy. I will make others happy. I will.