Honesty is a fickle bitch. Sometimes it’s best, and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you aren’t even honest with yourself, and this is extremely dangerous. Why? Because when you aren’t honest with yourself, you make choices that might not be in your best interest long term. Right now, I am me, and I am him. I am strong, and resilient, and ready to carry on. I’m ready to face the challenges ahead, get myself back into the game, get somewhere in life. I’m ready to improve myself and prove to others that I’ve bettered myself through hard work and dedication. I hope that this someday rewards me with the only thing in the world that I truly desire. This I will not know until it reveals itself. For now, It’s just a painful memory, a hurtful knowing. It’s a deep wound in my heart, but like most of my problems, it’s not physically dangerous, it’s all in my head. The pain is real, but the danger is not. I am not going to bleed out, but I could bleed out emotionally. I am on the edge. A tight rope, balance is key, and if I slip and fall, it’s going to be a long long road to recovery. This is scary. It’s scary that I realize it’s imminence, and it’s scary that i know that no matter how hard I try, it’s a possibility that I might fall. I’ve already slipped, and I’m holding on by one hand. The hand of reason. The hand of willingness to not let go. Not lose that control, that I worked so hard to gain power over. Sometimes things happen to test us. It happened to me, just a few days ago. I failed that test, and now I am in the position of being punished for it. While I’m not out of the game yet, I now have to start climbing back up the mountain. A mountain I’ve climbed before. I know from experience this mountain is hard, it comes with many evils. This one will probably be the same, but I do know one thing. Everytime I’ve tried, I have reached the top. So I sit here, ready to climb again, and confident I will succeed.
Many riddles in this blog, mostly because I cannot say what the issues are. I don’t want my family or friends to know, because I don’t feel like their involvement in it directly is ultimately going to help. This is something I have to do on my own. It ultimately always has been. You either sink or swim, in my world, there is no lifeguard with a life jacket to throw you. There is just you and your ability to push through and survive.
This time I knew it was a test. I felt it. Unfortunately, I failed. I haven’t failed completely yet, but I certainly messed up the start. Now i have to crawl my way back to the surface, and start again. It honestly is an odd situation. My anti depressant, for once, is actually working. I think after 16 months of trying, we found one that works for me. Great news! I’m sad, but not depressed, I’m angry, but not furious, I’m nervous, but not anxious. I’m a little demotivated but not completely reluctant to do things. I have been doing stuff. I’ve gone out, done my shopping. Even played some computer games, talked to my friends. All good progress. So on many levels I’m doing well, but unfortunately at the same time, I’m also falling into a trap I’ve fallen in many times before. One that I know is never good, never ends well and is always a huge effort to get out of.
My life seems to be a never ending challenge. My dad believes that we have soul paths and challenges pre-set that we must try to complete (or something like that). While I’m not sure exactly what I believe, it certainly does feel like if that is the case, then my soul path is to go through life, constantly challenged by everything. Everything is an effort for me. Nothing comes easy. There are no easy times, there are no easy victories. It’s like I have to go through life with my head just above water for the entire duration. Some might argue (from my dads ideology) that this means my soul is quite advanced, quite strong, and so the challenge it’s set for me is a hard one. I don’t really consider failing an option. While I cannot deny sometimes feeling that it would be an easy way out, I’ve never really been serious about it. I do not believe that I could ever end my own life. Ironically, not because I want to live, but because the guilt, the suffering, the trauma it would inflict on my family and friends would be unbelievable. I’d rather live my life, suffering, struggling, and in pain forever, than make them go through something as awful as that. While this might seem like dark reasoning, it is unfortunately one of the only things that I can use to keep myself from going down that road. My own perception of the world is quite cynical. I am just one person, ultimately my life means nothing in the big picture. I could disappear right now and while some people would be hurt, ultimately nothing would change. Think of all the people who died in wars, yet life goes on. This is the nature of life. Death is a part of it. I think choosing to die is ultimately a selfish and bad choice. While I would not ever call someone who did commit suicide a coward, I would be disappointing that they chose the easy way out. If someone is contemplating suicide, it means they are struggling in life. If they were to depart from this world, it is not resentment, or hate that one should feel for them. If anything, you should feel remorse, and grateful that your own life is not on such a fragile balance that causes these types of things to happen. Some people, most likely ignorant, would argue that they are just weak or cowards, but actually the people who commit suicide, or have thought about it are often the strongest people of them all. It is generally human nature to take the easiest path, so how can you blame them, or resent them for doing what comes naturally to human brain.
Perception is a funny thing. Another topic that I feel needs to be addressed. I sit here, writing these blogs about my life, experiences, the ups and downs, and ultimately showing what it’s like to be me. Yet from the outside, to other people, it may seem utterly ungrateful and ridiculous. I have multiple families that love and support me. I have a roof over my head. I’m actually physically quite healthy. A bit out of shape, but no actual health issues. I’m not too bad looking, I’m tall, and I have a good brain. I’ve got a motorcycle, and an expensive computer. I’ve got a well payed job that I could go back to anytime. I’m doing the tafe course I want to, which the teachers are being very supportive and co-operative considering how much I’ve missed. They’re allowing me to continue and said they will help me catch up. I’ve got access to medical support, a great GP, a Therapist, a Psychiatrist, and a general pain management specialist. I live in a first world country, I have money to buy food, to buy small luxuries. I have many things. Most people with access to internet will have a lot of what I’ve got too. I’ve been to Uganda, Kampala. I’ve seen how people live in other countries, and they have nothing. Absolutely nothing compared to us. We take everything for granted, yet because of perspective, it doesn’t make a huge difference to how we feel. I have so much, yet sometimes I feel like I have so little. It’s not because I’m ignorant, or spoiled, it’s because how you feel, how you are, is perspective based. Giving a child in a third world country a bottle of water, may give them the happiness that someone else would feel when receiving a $50,000 car for no reason.
I guess my point is, while it may not change exactly how you feel, it is always a good idea to try and put things into perspective. Realistic perspective though. Compare yourself to the real world. Be grateful for every single little thing, because somewhere out there is someone slightly worse off than you, someone way worse off than you, and someone who’s life is so awful that the very thought of it would mess with your head. Of course this works both ways, there are also people out there with much more than you, and someone else with more than them. Life isn’t fair, it never will, and it never has been. You can only work with what you’ve got, and if you work hard enough, and luck is in your favor, maybe you can get to place you’ve never been before. Maybe you can become the very person you wished you were years before.
Right now I am uncertain what the future holds for me. The last couple of weeks have been so complicated. So many things have happened, and there is so much to process. For me, processing going to the super market to buy food is a challenge, yet I am have to deal with all these other far more serious issues. It’s taken it’s toll, and it has unfortunately made me make some decision in the past few days that I regret. I’m not worried, as I know I am still in control, and 100% confident I can pull myself out of this hole and back onto my feet. The little things matter. I had a lovely bro-love conversation with my good friend Davies yesterday on teamspeak. He’s a good guy, and I’m proud to have him as a friend. We all have our faults, but Davies comes across as a person with simply a good heart. He is kind, and thoughtful, and while sometimes he can doesn’t shut up (lol), he’s a great guy and great friend. All of my friends are. What I did notice though recently is that out of all of my friends, Davies is the only one who’s actively taken an interest in how I am. While I know my friends all have their own lives and lots to do, this means a lot to me. It makes a big difference when your friends physically show they care by supporting you, just by listening or talking with you. We’re both in similar situations, so it’s nice that we can relate and comfort each other in this time when friends are most vital to getting back on track.
I know that currently there are a few things i need. The first is time. I need time to reflect, time to grow, and time to heal. The second is activities. I need to do more stuff. I’m going back to tafe on the 22nd, which I’m excited about. I’m going to start doing some kind of martial art for self defence. Probably something easy like Taekwondo. Getting regular exercise is absolutely essential for me. Filling my life with more activities is also essential. I need to build up my life so that I’m actually doing things daily. At the moment I have far too much time to reflect and sit around. It’s not good. I’m at my best when I’m distracted, or helping / thinking about others. It’s why I want to be a social worker. I’ve been through most things you can think of that would make someone develop issues, and having that experience, and being quite an empathetic person means I’m hoping I’ll be able to help these people to the best of my ability. I know within myself that this will ultimately make me happy. I seem to be most happy when I know I’m making others happy, improving other peoples lives. So this is what I will aim for.
There’s a long way to go, and as always it won’t be easy, it’s always a roller coaster, except you’re wearing a blindfold and the track never ends. You cannot really prepare for the up’s and downs. You can however, understand that just like a roller coaster, the down’s might be scary, but you will come back up, and you are not in any danger. The only real danger is yourself if you allow yourself to lose control. It is absolutely vital to maintain control, and it’s totally within your power. You just have to be strong, you just have to be resilient, but most importantly of all, you just have to embrace the ride and know that one day or another it’ll take that bomb down hill and you will come out the other end, each time, with a little more confidence and little more happy.
I know this is where I am heading, and I’m grateful that I’m able to recognize this as early as I have. I hope this message gets through to any of you who read my blog and feel similarly, regardless of what it’s about.
At the end of the day, it’s all about you, and how you handle it.
Harry aka Kinkmuffin