How are you? What’s up with your life. What’s bothering you, what are you happy about? Do you like your life, would you change anything about if it a genie offered you the chance.
Sometimes it’s important to ask these questions to others, instead of yourself. Sometimes being so self involved you get caught up in it too much, and it just makes it worse. A great way to deal with your own problems, is too focus on someone else, help them with theirs, or just be their friend. It’s easy to forget, but keeping in touch with your friends is important. Not just for you, but for them. I have a tendency to cease most communication with my friends or anyone if I’m going through a tough time. This of course isn’t really good. It slowly deteriorates your relationships. That’s something you don’t want to lose. It takes months to develop good friendships, but only weeks for them to fall apart.
I had a friend round yesterday, we chilled. Just talked, watch some streams, and a movie. It was fun, a really chilled day. Exciting for me, a triumph because I had fun. I actually enjoyed something. That’s like hitting a gold mine for me. Now I have to keep hold of those feelings, and try to use them to my advantage. See my friends more often, get online and talk to them. Start playing whatever nonsense game they are playing this week. I’m getting there. I’ve been on teamspeak a few times and already things are starting to get better. Day by day things do seem to be getting better. I’m not sure what it is, but it doesn’t matter as long as I keep on doing whatever it is that I am doing. I’ve made a breakthough regarding some of my feelings recently. As some of you know, something I had, I cherished and was the most important thing in my life vanished a few days ago. The good news is, I’m sad, but not depressed. I’m upset, but not suicidal. I’m angry, but furious or resentful. I’m nervous but not anxious. I’m feeling, but feeling rational feelings one would feel after this kind of event. This is good really, it means my mood, my brain and my emotions are normalizing. They aren’t so irrational, and this gives me confidence that things are going to get better, even if right now, they do kinda suck. However, this time they suck because normal real life events, and not because of no reason or something worsening to do with my health etc.
So overall good news. At least for today. I’m hoping soon, that I can start to repair my relationship with the one I’ve lost. Even if we are just friends, for a while, or forever, I still want that. I have to wait, patience is key, it’s not all about how I feel. That person must be feeling some stuff too, and while honestly I don’t have the slightest clue what, I’m sure some of them are to do with me.
So here I sit, writing my what appears to be at least daily blog. Funnily enough I’ve started to enjoy writing these. A year ago when I started I was so against the idea. “Pfft, blogs are lame, such a waste of time”. Yet here I am, over a year later, writing more than ever and hopefully my writing has improved. I wish my blog had more exposure, but I’m not too worried. I write this for myself, and for anyone who wants to read it to take a look into my world without having to actually talk to me.
Tafe starts in a couple of days. I’m far behind, but my teacher has said she will help me catch up and I have the medical certificate to cover what I missed. So all is good. I really want to complete the course, do the Diploma, and start my life’s work in community services. This of course means that I have to make sure that throughout the next year or two, I get completely clean of everything and anything. I can only be a social worker, if I am stable myself. I’m working towards that and I know I will get there. Just takes time, pain and punishment. No guts no glory, as someone once wrote on a t-shirt I had to wear when I used to play tennis every-day instead of going to school.
Truth be told my life is a bit of a daze at the moment. A lot of days I don’t know what I’ve done, what I was supposed to do, nor what I did yesterday. It’s a weird sensation, a weird thought, but it’s just another side effect of the medications i have to take. My aim of course, is to eventually come off all this medication. I believe right now it’s required, but in time, I will learn to cope on my own. When that time comes, that is when I know that I have made it back into the real world.
I told my boss at work that I can’t come back, but offered to be an emergency contact. This is what he wrote: ”
I understand – Thanks for the offer – I will take you up – Let me know anytime you feel you need or want to work for any length of time – Cheers”
My boss, has been like this for the past 3 years I’ve known him. He is a kind hearted, considerate, and empathetic person. It’s incredibly rare to find a boss so considerate and understanding. Even after all the times I’ve gone back to work, then had to stop almost straight away because It wasn’t possible he’s never complained once, and he still offers me a job if I need it. I worked bloody hard when I was there, and we got on very well. He trusts me, and I guess this is why he still hopes that maybe I will return.
Someday I might, right now, the 3 days a week Tafe will be enough. It’s possible in the future I will return to working Mon / Tue, and then Tafe the other days. This is my goal, but it’s a while away. I need to take baby steps, be careful with myself. Don’t take on too much too quickly.
I’m trying to focus on others as well, I’ve had to look after myself, and been so involved in my own world that I doubt I’ve asked many people how they’re doing, so starting today that’s one of my goals. Just to ask everyone I meet / see how they are doing. Take it off me, and onto them.
So the question is, how are you doing?
Want to answer, and talk about it? Please do, you can reply to this on the actual site, and it’s confidential between you and I unless you want me to release it as a public comment. I’d love to hear from any of you. Hopefully all of you, it’d keep me quite busy for a day or two.
A slightly, happier blog today, it’s a rainy day but a sunny sky in my mind.
Harrison aka Kinkymuffin