I was meant to go to Tafe today. I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself to get back into it. I’ve got the medical certificate to cover the months I’ve been away. The teachers have kindly said they will allow me to continue and help me catch up. My three alarms managed to wake me up this morning, so I even got up in time to get ready to go.
So why am I still here?’
Well, unfortunately, I’m panicking. My anxiety is through the roof, my legs are like jelly, and guilt and dissapointment spins through my head like a viscious whirlpool. It’s cold, and it’s raining. I don’t want to drive my motorcycle for 45 minutes in the cold, wet, dangerous rain to get to Tafe. If it had been Sunny, maybe I could have made myself go. The weather makes a big difference to me. Maybe that’s silly, I don’t know. I feel like I have failed. I was going to go, and get on with it, and be happy that I’d gone back to tafe to continue learning and getting on with stuff. Yet here I am, one excuse after another and ultimately just not going. Failure? Yes. I have failed. However, I’ve also acknowledged that maybe I’m not quite ready to go back to tafe yet. For the past week or two I’ve been taking back over my life by doing the most mundane tasks any normal person would do without even thinking. Showering, washing clothes, washing up, tidying, talking, cooking, seeing friends. I still struggle to brush my teeth twice a day. Need to try and get that into the routine as well. Tafe is a big leap, clearly one I don’t truely feel comfortable taking yet. I’m acknowledging this failure, and in doing so, it may not be a failure at all. Rather a success. I have successfully identifiied that I am not ready to go back to Tafe, but am on the right track. I should certainly use this day productively, maybe tidy my room…again, wash the billions of cups lying around my room. Try and get out, at least to woolworths because my supply of spagetti noodles is running low.
I phoned my mum, but it was at a really bad time and she couldn’t talk. Whoops. No way i could have known but that’s ok, I hope she’s not too annoyed. Mika (my cat) is sitting kind of awkawrdly on top of my lap, and have the laptop. I don’t know why she does this, but she always chooses the most inconvenient time to be really loving and affectionate. I’m trying to write but she’s sitting on a quarter of the keys lol. It’s funny actually, she’s watching the blinker / curser on the screen move accross. Clearly she’s curious as to what’s going on. Little does she know that while her simple mind ponders the cursor, the power behind the cursor ponders so many thoughts, feelings, ideas and events that she is totally unaware of. Lucky lucky cat. I’m sure a lot of people have had this thought, but I wonder how awesome life would be as a cat (in a good family). Sleep, eat, sleep, attention, sleep, eat, sleep, sleep, sleep, eat, attention, sleep, sleep, sleep….No worries, no complications, just enjoyment, relaxation, love and attention.
Sounds awesome to me. I’d like to try it at least for a couple of days. Then again it depends, because simplicity of her mind is the reason she is able to live like this. If I was just moved into her body, but still had my mind, I’d go insane, because you’d have all that human emotion, power, thought and feelings and you wouldn’t be able to express them. It”s almost like you’d explode. It is absolutely pouring it down outside. There is no way in hell I am going out on my bike in that rain. I’m already a bit cautious because the drugs I take can affect my ability to drive, so there is no way I’m going out in the rain. Anyone who owns a motorbike will tell you that it’s a lot, lot, more dangerous when it’s raining. Your breaks basically don’t work, because if you use more then very gently, you’ll skid. There’s also that chance you’ll simply just slide when you turn a corner, so you have to take corner’s very slowly. This of course, pisses off other australian drivers who don’t understand or appreciate the efforts being made to avoid becoming a vegetable and decide to drive up your backside because you’re going a little under the speed limit and leaving the double gap in front. Ok, I’m sure most of you aren’t like that, but there certainly does seem to be a number of drivers over here, probably everywhere that by miracle got their license. Half of the people on the road don’t use their indicators. It’s like “hello!. uh see those indicators, yeh, they are mandatory. it’s not optional”.
How did this turn into a rant about people on the road, that’s certainly not the point of this blog. The truth is, the point of this blog is too distract myself from the feeling of guilt and dissapointment that I didn’t go to tafe. However I acknowledge that I tried, and I am not ready. If it’s sunny tomorrow, i’ll try again. If it’s still pouring, I probably won’t.
This was a pretty uninteresting blog today, even I think so. Next one will be better.