My Flower

You know, life isn’t as simple as it might appear to be. Maybe right now you’re too young to see that. Maybe it’s wrong of me too be asking this much of you. Maybe, I’m a fool. I saw you, an angel of light in a time where my world was shrouded in darkness. I was drawn to you, and as fate would have it you embraced me into your loving arms. You saved me on more occasions than you’ll ever know. You mean more to me than you’ll ever realize. You changed my life, and gave me something I’d lost. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Hope.

Time went by, and we grew closer, and closer, and closer. It was a beautiful thing. I could not believe what was happening and although I’m not a man of any religious beliefs I thanked the stars of destiny for bringing our paths together. I knew, you were the one. I look at you, and I see life. I see joy, happiness, freedom, perfection. It was incredible. Never had I thought in a million years could one person have such an impact on how oneself feels, both physically and mentally.

Then one day it changed. As I’ve always seen it, loving someone is about putting them first, looking after them. I loved you, I still do, and I will always do that. Unfortunately, whether it’s because you were too young, or whatever the reason, you chose yourself over me. You abandoned me, left me to deal with my life on my own while you invest all your time yours. At your age, this is perfectly reasonable. It is completely understandable, and I would never, and have never, had any resentment, or hateful feelings towards you because of it.

But I am hurt. It is a deep wound. When two people are in love, they hold each other’s hearts in their hands. When one person ends this, especially so quickly, and brutally, it leaves a scar. A deep one. My heart was ripped from my chest, and I was left to scoop it back up and put it in before I died. While I didn’t physically die, for a little while, I was dead. How can I live when my reason for living, my light in the dark, my angel and protector, left me to focus on her own life.  I don’t know what hurt me more, the fact that it was so easy for her to let go, or the fact that she actually did it.

Timing couldn’t have been worse. Relations with my own family are hard, they got too involved and ended up getting too stressed out about it all. It got out of control. My dad’s mum died, which is the first real death in our family that any of us kids had to deal with. My deepest sympathies for my dad, as I can imagine it must be hard for him. Stef has Byron, Rob has Amanda, and I….I had no one. The one who I could turn to in times like this, who would guide me through it, simply by being there, was nowhere to be seen. She was already gone. She still is. I wake up everyday, hoping that this will be the day that she remembers I exist. I hope she remembers who I am, and what we were. I hope she remembers how happy we were together, and maybe she’ll let me know that at the very least she still cares.

It’s hard to love someone, when they don’t love you back. It’s even harder when they ignore your existence. I feel invisible. I am invisible. I am simply not here. What once was a huge part of my life, and a huge part of hers, is now simply a memory. A memory that’s fading each day. Maybe she was too young. This was inevitable? Possibly I was naive, to believe that things would stay as amazing as they were forever. Honestly, I didn’t expect that, but I expected rough times, or small breaks, fights, challenges. I didn’t expect in a million years to be completely abandoned. No contact, no acknowledgement. She care’s not how I feel, nor how this is affecting me. At the moment, like most early teenagers she is deep inside her personal bubble. Only things she wants can get inside, and she is almost completely oblivious to the outside. I write this, here, exposing it, because I don’t think she even reads my blogs. I wish she did, I wish she’d realize how important they are to me, and how much I would appreciate a line from her. I’d appreciate anything from her. Just to let me know that she remembers I exist.

I cannot say what the future holds anymore, a month or two ago I was sure I knew our future, but things have changed. She has changed. Her changing was always going to happen, but we didn’t know how it would effect our relationship. Unfortunately, it destroyed it. Broken beyond repair? I don’t know. Even after everything that’s happened I still love her, and I’d go to the end of the world to find the hammer that would let us repair what has been shattered so viciously. Unfortunately, ultimately it’s not about what I want. It’s about what she wants. This is entirely on her, and what I believe she doesn’t realize is ceasing to acknowledge that I exist, is her effectively letting me go. Forever.

I will wait for her, a little longer, but I need a sign. I need something. She might not want to talk to me, maybe she hates me I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’ve ever wronged her. I did everything within my power to make her smile, laugh and be happy. I don’t feel like I deserve this avoidance. I don’t feel like she cares at all how much she’s hurting me. I don’t think she even realizes.

It’s one thing to take a break, or even break up, but it’s another to abandon someone completely, especially at a time when you know they need you. The worst part is I love her so much I can’t even be angry about it. I don’t even care that she left me, while I needed her the most. I can’t expect that of someone so young. What was I thinking in the first place?.

The problem with love, is that you don’t really choose who you fall in love with. If it’s real, it just happens. That’s what happened to us, and it definitely the happiest 6 months of my life, even with everything else going on around it. I often hear people say “If only you’d met a little later, or there’d been less of an age difference”. It’s weird because I don’t agree. I believe we met at the perfect time, because it was perfect. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl, and although I know a lot will change as she gets older, I still believe that she’ll still be the same girl I fell in love with. I wish that things could be easier. I wish she would take me back, I wish we could go back to the way things were. I know we could, but I don’t think she does. I can’t persuade her, I can’t even talk to her. She won’t talk to me, and I know that I cannot force anything to happen, so I just have to hold on and wait.

Maybe I messed up, maybe I didn’t? Maybe this has nothing to do with me. Maybe it has everything to do with me. Maybe I screwed up, maybe in a parallel universe, we are still together. Maybe in this universe that ultimately still ends up being the result. I really hope so. I could be wrong, but I feel like I will never have the same kind of love, and affection that I feel for this girl. I felt like our souls had embraced, bound together. I feel this is why I am hurting so badly, because our souls didn’t want to separate, but they were ripped apart.

It’s scary for me because a lot of the time I feel a life without her is not worth it anymore. While my logical side keeps me from acting or doing anything irrational upon these feelings, it doesn’t mean it’s not how I truly feel. It is crushing. It is devastating. All I can do is just keep going day by day. Keep writing my blogs. Keep trying to do more things that normal people do. I’ve managed to a lot more games in the past couple of days, that’s good. I’m enjoying some stuff. I actually enjoy writing a lot. It’s why my blog is becoming increasingly more active. Although I don’t always have that much to write about, I normally just write whatever my brain dictates to me. This often seems to give the best results. This way you’re actually just reading my brain. Anything I say here is just what was in my head at the the time.

This blog, this particular one, is actually a bit of a risk. I’m not entirely sure yet I’m even going to release it. It simply may not be the right time, nor may it be fair on the other person who’s so often mentioned in this post. People close to me will know who I’m talking about, but that also means she’ll know they know.

Releasing this could ultimately cause even more damage to what is already a complete wreck of a situation.

So for now, I’ll release it as private, and only give access to a few people to read. We’ll see what happens and go from there.




Published by: Kinkymuffin

I've been through a lot, like many others before me, and many more to come. Drug addiction is no joke. It's a war that never ends. I've learned to cope with my addiction by writing truthfully about it. If it can help just one person, then it was worth it.

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