You know, manipulation, is more common than you think. Some do it deliberately, some accidentally without even knowing it. But this is not what I’m actually talking about. I’m talking about manipulating yourself. To a certain degree, it’s probably a good thing, but for some people maybe it does more harm than good. Here I sit, writing the complete and utter truth. I’m high, I’ve smoked a joint. First one I’ve had in a while. It’s nice, I shouldn’t have. It’s totally against what I’ve been working towards. Anyway, I’m not trying to get you into drugs, for your ownsake never start. It’s much easier that way. Anyway back to what I was saying. Manipulation. I’m sitting here, kind of high, but also kind of scared. I think my own brain has manipulated me into a situation I didn’t really want to be in. I don’t want to be smoking anything, even if it’s just on occasion. I can’t say I’m not a person who has done their normal share of experiments and some can be good, and some can be bad. It’s mostly about being safe about it. If you’re going to do anything, read up on it first. Make sure you’re aware of what you at least getting yourself into. Still dodging manipulation. See my brain’s still trying to do it. Trying to get me to type about stuff so the important part I’m trying say get missed.I feel like I’ve given it my best effort. I feel like I tried my best, every step of the way to make the right decisions. The wrong ones I corrected, and trust me I paid my price for it. Withdrawal from anything is not something you want to experience…Ever. I’m sitting here, trying to figure out whether I’m ok, or I’ve messed everything up again. Lied to people, hidden things, done things i shouldn’t have, or is it just normal that I’m not perfect, and it was never going to be realistic for me to not have some battles with addiction as it goes on. I do feel like I’ve made an effort. I do feel like I’ve been more responsible with my medication. I do feel like I’m improving and getting better. But I am scared, because I still have moments, or tendencies to go back to the ways I used to be. The bud is ok, I’m fine to smoke that occasionally, it’s not a concern. However, the Valium is for medication purposes only. I cannot deny, especially when I smoke a valium would be very pleasant with it. But I can’t. It’s my safety net. Not to be used without correct procedures to be followed. I do still feel that overall I am in control. I don’t believe I have any problems with any drugs at the moment, and even I have slipped up with the valium on occasion, I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I made a mistake, I acknowledged it. Now I’m going to move on and try harder to make sure I don’t give in to temptation. The thing that interests me is I sit here, not really knowing exactly how i got to this point. I think my brain can be so manipulating, to myself, that sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing. I just sort let it happen. I don’t feel like I made a choice, it just happened.
You know things are hard, very hard. My life is boring, because I’m doing nothing because I cannot work or study. I will fix this, and at least I get out of the house once a day at minimum. While I’m friends with my x gf, and very happy that we can at least be friends, sometimes I still wonder if it really will happen. Will we actually get back together, or is she just going to forget about me? Answers only she knows, but obviously I will never know, nor ask. I need my mum, but she’s been away for almost two years. It was required, and I’m not resentful or anything, but I need her. I need to lose weight, I’m actually gaining so much its starting to worry me. Maybe at least way I’ll definitely run because I cannot get fat. Me writing this blog is going to cause some concern. I’m sure they’ll be a call from someone saying something, but ultimately I don’t mind. I know that there are things I need to do better. I need to look after myself better, keep my room tidier, shower every day. Brush my flipping teeth. I mean I did clean my room today, and I was happy I did. And I did some washing up, mostly mine but some may have been robs. I did that too. I went over to the other side and talked to Liv and Byron for a few mins. I had a conversation or two, I got out of bed and went to my Centrelink appointment. I got up and played my pc instead of lying in bed all watching others do what I should be doing. Having fun,
Maybe I am doing well afterall, and I shouldn’t judge myself on this small “mistake”. I cannot deny that right now I feel good. Nice and relaxed, but not because of what I took, but mainly because I have the courage and strength to write this blog right now. I manipulated myself, I always do, and I always have to pay the price. This is just one of those times. The only difference is I could have most likely done it, never said anything about it and it never even have existed. But I am writing it, not because I need help. Not because I’m suddenly a crack addict or whatever, but simply because I am trying my god damn best, but I have maybe made a mistake or two, and this isn’t something I’m willing to hide…from anybody. The world, and my family has to see the real me, for the good, and bad. Hopefully mostly good, and I’ll continue to do what i can to be that guy.
You should too. Think of something horrible you did. Acknowledge it was horrible, now let it go. Accept the mistake and know that you’ve learned from your mistake.
It’s a great way to crawl out of a place where you’ve made many mistakes. Your friends, family and medical practitioners cannot look after your well, unless you’re prepared to tell truth.