So….it’s the morning after.
The morning after I got really high last night and wrote a blog that could blow up in my face. I don’t think it will, in fact it can’t because I am in control and I am not worried. Still it was interesting to see how and / if there was any change in the way I typed yesterday. Seemed a bit more dragged out, guess when you’re high you tend to lose track of what you’re saying. Happens all the time in real life with friends, it’s usually pretty funny.
Do I think I made a mistake buying some tea and indulging myself. Hmmm well, yes and no. Firstly, it’s important to know that my opinion on weed is that it’s a joke of an illegal drug. It’s less harmful than tobacco and alcohol. It doesn’t make you violent, or angry, it doesn’t impair your decision makes skills to the same level as getting intoxicated. I mean have you ever seen “Guy gets king hit in kings cross after guy smokes a joint and gets violent”. No of course not, because it doesn’t have that type of affect. If you haven’t tried it, don’t even bother to try and argue, you don’t know because you haven’t tried it. Anyway so on the moral compass of things, I don’t find it that bad to smoke occasionally. Of course I wish it wasn’t illegal, then the money the druglords get wouldn’t be fueled back into more crime and ultimately cause people to get hurt. If they legalized it, they could tax it, monitor it, the police could waste less resources on tracking down people growing plants. We’ll get there. It’s happening more and more anyway. Unfortunately Australia is 20 years behind the rest of the world, so I’ll imagine we’ll see it medically legalized sometime between 2040 and 2060….
As for myself, taking it in the position I’m in? A little risky. It is a gateway drug, and it does encourage you to experiment with other stuff, far more potent and evil. The issue with it is that it’s called the gateway drug because it’s so mellow, that most people like it, even if they don’t the first couple of times. But anything after that, honestly there’s a huge jump in implications, effects and what it can do to your body. It’s one thing to smoke occasionally, it’s another to decide to start doing meth. So how do I feel?
Well I’m ok, I feel better and better each day actually. I really think just the combination of everything, including my medications is working more effectively than it ever has before. I’m happy that I’m getting more and more out of each day, and talking to my friends more. Still got a long way to go, I need to help out round the house more. Rob does it all, and never says anything. I’m basically being pretty selfish. Sure I have an excuse, but I should try a little harder than I am. All good, I just spoke to him. Told him to tell me to get my ass up and help when I need too. Hopefully that way I can back into the groove of pulling my weight.
Mika is being a naughty kitten. She keeps trying to get into the rubbish bags, anything that smells like food. Honestly she’s like a scavenger dog. It’s pretty funny, and we feed her plenty!
I think that in moderation, most things are ok. You simply need to maintain a balance that is realistic and proportionate to what you need the most. For me, I need relaxation time, so the occasional joint is nice for that. I also need to run, which I have been. I need to eat better food, which is definitely what I’m working on now, because I’ve been eating so much crap simply because I can’t be bothered to cook. So that’s my main focus at the moment. Try and main stuff that isn’t so bad for you. To me it seems like an impossible and annoying challenge but whatever I’ll complain to myself, but put on my shoes and walk the door while I do it. I find that a great tactic. If you don’t want to do something, let yourself complain about it all you want. Let your brain moan, and whine and bla bla bla, but while doing that, simply do the stuff you need to get the activity rolling. e.g for me it’s putting on my shoes and walking out the door. Once i’m outside my brain’s like “Oh ok…well I guess were doing it then” and then you can fist pump yourself because that’s a victory. You controlled your brain, even when it seems to oppose your own logic. You know I’m starting to wonder how much control really have over their brain and therefore actions. Are people who are violent, abusive, or murderers etc, are they really in control at all? They are still guilty of course, but how much of it was really their choice. I don’t know enough about the subject to say, so I’d have to read up on it, but it’s definitely interesting to think about. I’m going to try and get back onto my old football (soccer) team. Hopefully with Lachie and Trav, if its possible then that’d be awesome. I’m also preparing to go to the UK sometime in the near future for some unknown amount of time. I think it will be good to spend time with others, focusing on them instead of myself. I’m in the driver seat, now I know where I’m heading I won’t get lost again. There are still a few things on my mind that trouble me. One of course is just my future with a special girl. While I know there’s a chance, it’s still difficult for me at the moment because we’re just friends, yet I stil love her. So it’s hard for me to talk to her without the affection, the normal things I say, and I don’t want that to ruin our chances. It’s just so hard to know what to do that will work most likely in the long run. Anyway, it’s not something i can control, so I won’t worry about it. Simple as that. Basic CBT right there ladies and gentlemen. If you can’t control something, then don’t worry about it. Seriously. Don’t. You can’t do anything, so it’ll happen and you’ll get to the next stage, but at least you didnt have to sit around being worried for a period of time.
Last night I had a strange dream. Again, thanks to the seraquel which seems to effect dreams in a lot of different ways, the dream was about my Nana, who died very recently. She was a ghost, trying to make contact with me. I wasn’t terrorfied because I knew it was her, but I was still scared becaues I thought it was real at the time. It was one of those semi-conscious dreams, I was actually awake, I could have opened my eyes, but I didn’t. I do know that the room got colder, a lot colder, very quickly. Then it just sort of dissapeared. I have two things I do when I get scared at night. Firstly, I remind myself that Mika, is a cat, and I believe that cats are the ancient guardians to the otherworlds. So when you are with one, you are protected. Secondly I channel my energy into a “force field” around me, enforcing that nothing harmful can get through. This might sound crazy to some people. I do not believe in God, or follow any religion. I do however, believe in energies, karma, destiny, fate and souls / spirits (or sometimes we call ghosts).
When I visited ground zero, many years ago (Ground Zero is where twin towers wants stood). It was very uncomfortable energy around that place. It was eery, and bitter. I myself do not believe that the current 9/11 story is correct, there’s more to it, but we just don’t know what and maybe we never will.
Anyway, so I want to see for myself if I’m doing alright, so I’m going to list the goods, and the mistakes / bads below and see how it looks;
- I’m feeling overall better, more stable.
- I’m on what I believe at least a good combination of drugs to manage everything going on.
- I am talking to people, thinking rationally, going out and doing things for myself like shopping, etc.
- I’m still writing this blog.
- My boss from work still understands my situation, but I offered to come in anytime as an emergency contact if needed and he agreed. Happy to help in out in that way.
- I have quite smoking (cigarettes). I used an e-cig, which doesnt have the thousands of chemicals in normal cigs. It’s literally just liquid nicotine. I’ve felt an improvement in my lungs, breathing overall so I would recommend one to anyone trying to quit. Seriously it’s great, and cheaper overall too.
- I haven’t abused codeine or had endone in a while. I don’t know exactly how long it’s been, but I have had nor abused either of these two old enemies of mine. This of course is good because It’s a lot easier to fight the tendency when you aren’t physically or medically addicted to said drugs.
- I’ve made some silly decisions this month, but ultimately I knew straight away, and acknowledging mistakes and making sure you remember them is a great way to stay clear of pass habits.
- I did smoke some bud, over the past couple of days.
- I could help more around the flat but I’m kind of demotivated, lazy and a bit selfish at the moment.
- I’m still unsure what’s up with my relationship. It’s just weird, like I know we are “just friends”, but that transition for me is seeming difficult. It’s hard to from loving someone to just being friends. Gotta give it time I guess.
- Room’s still a bit dirty, could do with a proper tidy up.
- Still need to get my bike maintenance done which is quite important. Just so inconvenient I keep putting it off
- I still spend too much time in bed. Normally just watching streams or TV. The only good part is when I’m writing these blogs, but that takes up only a small portion of my day.
- Giving up Tafe, trying again next / semester. I’m going to the UK soon anyway, and I have the ADAPT 3 week program to do at some point.
Seems like there is a lot of good and bad, I just have to work hard on improving the stuff I’m bad at, and hopefully it’ll become more normalized and easier without having to think about it.
Another pretty uninteresting blog, guess my life is getting better. The less serious m blog is, the more I realize that I’m ok. Getting better. We’ll see