New Life

It’s astonishing how quickly one can change how they feel by changing everything. I’ve moved to a different country, live with a different person, am thinking and doing things I haven’t done in a long time, and for the first time in many years, I’ve actually felt happiness, contentment and enjoyment.

It’s still not easy, I still everyday have ups and downs. Battles that must be won, some battles that cannot be won and must be handled with the best way of recovering. I’ve been so active, I haven’t even had time to write a blog for a few days. We played cricket in the nets yesterday afternoon. I haven’t really held a cricket bat in 10 years. Last time I remember was when my dad used to take me to play in the nets at Middle Harbour Public School. It was so much fun, bowling and batting. I was rusty, but still not a bad shot, and Mike is quite a good bowler. There were others there too, who we exchanged conversation with, and they were really nice teenagers / kids. We’ve been walking everyday, gardening, talking, chatting, debating, watching game of thrones. My life has become full of activity and meaning. So quickly it is changing my everyday feelings and attitude it’s uncanny. I’m reading a book called Mindfulness which I may have mentioned before, and that is helping immensely too. I’ve tapered off the valium, taken less seraquel than before, and Mike and I are 100% compatible to live with each other. It was very easy to settle in, and I feel right at home. There are so many things we’ve done already that I’ve enjoyed, and many more things to come, as well as visiting friends and family. So much to do, but the time to do it!

I think what’s most important about this blog, and the significance of it compared to most of my others, is that for basically the first time while writing one of these blogs, I am happy. I am content. I am enjoying my life. I am living.

Les Quick Blog

So I’ve arrived in the UK, and I’m not feeling too bad overall. Mike has been fantastic and the journey went really well. Didn’t really have any panic attacks and managed to sleep at least 80% of the entire journey. It’s also funnily enough kind of left me not jet lagged, because I slept for so long it just worked out that way.

It’s amazing how much comfort and balance you can get from talking to the right person. Mike is like my own personal therapist that’s always around. Whenever we have conversations I always feel comfortable, happy to the truth and he’s always got something interesting to say.

I do believe coming here was the right decision. I’m optimistic about the future and I think Mike is going to be fantastic in helping me get into a normal life style / structure. We’ve talked absolutely loads but we just seem to be able to talk for ages. I guess it’s sort of a win / win because it’s therapeutic for me, allows Mike some perspective on what I’m going through and how he can help, but also I believe we both find the conversations quite intellectually stimulating.

Unfortunately did have a bit of a bad Skype conversation with my mum. Had to basically cut her off, but I believe her intentions were good, it’s just the way she was pushing them through came across very badly. I don’t hold anything against her, or Duncan, or anyone for that fact. I know that everyone is just trying to help, yet it can be really difficult to know how to help when you’re not me. Not in my mind. Everyone’s mind is different, so giving someone the perfect help is basically impossible. It’s all about finding a balance.

It did upset me a bit, but I talked it over with Mike and I’m alright now. We also went to get a cup of coffee and the song playing was Rose and my favorite, so that triggered me really quickly into feeling sad about Rose. I’m reading a book though at the moment called “Mindfulness” and it’s very good. Something along the lines of instead of fearing or facing your emotions thoughts, you just have to be with them. It’s like instead of doing, your being. It’s hard to explain, but the book does that a lot better than I can.

Anyway, just a quick blog here. I might write a longer one tonight, but I’ve got to go out now. We’ve got some shopping to do for dinner and any chance to get out of the house I will yes too so. So more interesting blog later on hopefully.

At least at the moment I’m safe, comfortable, and not feeling too bad. Which for me, is fantastic.

Hope it keeps getting better.

Harrison

Mad World – The Way I see It

All around me are familiar people, familiar people, familiar people.

Bright and happy makes me feel unequal, feel unequal, feel unequal.

It’s hard to understand that I feel so bad,  I feel so bad, I feel so bad. Understanding what I think that they have, think that they have, think that they have.

And I find it kind of funny and I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had. I find it hard to tell you because I find it hard to take, when people live in my world it’s a very very….

Sad..world…..

Sad…world….

People over to enjoy their time here, cherish these days, cherish these days,

But I sit here writing alone in my room, no friends no love, only sadness and doom.

It hurts me so  to feel this way now, why I’m like this, why I’m like this

Surely there can be some joy in my life, may I find it? May I find it?

And I find it kind of funny and I find it kind of sad, the people all around me are the best I’ve ever had. I find it hard to tell you and I find it hard to take, with every single feeling it’s a very very…

Sad…world….

Sad….world…..

Enlighten my world….

Sad world….

Forces of Life, Past, Future and Present

It’s absolutely astounding, how sometimes things can happen in your life that while could just be coincidental, may actually be a result of what you need and what the forces of life can give you that we cannot see. For example, someone who I once knew when I was young, and was quite close with recently made the re-appearance to my life out of nowhere (by facebook). We talked briefly, then didn’t really have much contact for a few months, until this month where my illusion of a life fell apart. She for no reason, and with no obligation has been there for me. And now, strangely enough, I’ve ended up being there for her, who very recently has had events happen similar but not the same as to what I have been through. Some might just put it down to good timing or luck, but I am not one to believe that these things just happen by chance. There was a reason we got back in contact, and there is still a reason why we are there for each other now. For privacy reasons I won’t disclose who this person is, but she will know I am talking about her. I hope she doesn’t mind, but these blogs are always intended to allow people inside my life, without actually revealing too much about who the specific people are. I feel it’s a good thing that I’m going to the UK in two days. I feel that without this, things could happen that while I would do probably to attempt to make myself feel better, would ultimately be done to hurt someone deliberately because I am hurting myself. I’m glad for that reason I am leaving to the UK, so any temptation that may occur in my mind has no chance to actually manifest itself into a reality. The other person in speaking may also find what I’ve just said somewhat offensive and I apologize if that’s true, I can only speak the truth from my mind, and no one is perfect. I only seek to acknowledge that these are feelings or ideas that I have because I am only human, and sometimes we can become selfish or corrupt, seeking only to help ourselves with the intention to hurt others who may have hurt is. This is most certainly not something I want to do, but I cannot deny it hasn’t entered my mind. I would never intentionally hurt anyone who has or is deer to me, and again I reinforce that I’m glad that I happen to be leaving in 2 days so that there is no way anything could happen. It might not have been ever a possibility anyway, it would have to be both of us thinking the same thing, but we’d both know that deep down doing something like that just to hurt the person who has hurt us is not what we want, and not going to help anyone in the long run. However, it’s quite possible that it was just myself who had this idea, and that the other person has had no such thoughts, and in that case, I admire their ability to be so balanced and calm. For me I cannot deny that sometimes I seek to hurt people who have hurt me, I just try my best to stop myself from actually going through with it. Most of the time I can, but it only takes one blow to get through, to potentially ruin something forever.

Onto myself, right now I am not particularly ok. My flight is in two days, and I’m getting more anxious, and more worried by the minute. The physical symptoms of my anxiety are slowly getting out of control, and right now I am really battling to keep them stable, even with the medication plan that we have to allow me to get to the UK. It’s hard, it’s not fun waking up feeling sick, going to bed feeling sick, feeling alarmed and worried all day, only to be able to feel slightly less alarmed with the help of powerful medication, which still isn’t even enough to fully counter my anxiety, because of the strength and forcefulness this anxiety has within me.

I will get through this, I have too, because I do believe that the UK is going to be good for me. Mostly because I think Mike is the perfect person to help get my life into shape. Mike has spent his entire life being proactive, so there is no better role model in my eyes for learning how to live. If I was to describe to you my average day from the past two months, I don’t think anyone would consider it living. It’s been better this week sure, since I’ve been at my dads and being try to interact with people, and stay away from just lying in my bed watching tv. I can’t deny that isn’t more or less what I’ve done today, but once Mike gets home I will try my best to get out and just talk or sit around and listen to conversation. It is quite amazing how quickly it can make you feel better, although it’s very difficult to remember that once it’s gone. It doesn’t matter how many times I have a conversation, or go for a walk and feel good, as soon as I’m home, I will forget how useful and effective what I’ve just done was. I guess it’s why I need to get into a routine, so I don’t have to actively think about doing this stuff, I just do it as part of my normal day. Hopefully, that will make me happy. I need to find this within myself, but I also need to find happiness outside, there has to be a balance of both, but they can’t be linked so that if one falls, the others stay in line. I have taken 10mg of Valium a couple of minutes ago (administered by my family obviously) and it is helping to take the edge of now. It is a testament to how strong my anxiety is that I need not 5 but 10mg of Valium to be able to stay calm. For the last couple of days I’ve been on just 5mg, once or twice a day, but I guess it is understandable that my condition was going to become more fragile as we get closer to the flight. I’m trying my absolute best to control my anxiety without having to take these medications, because ultimately that’s what being normal would be like. There is however, only so much I can do at this stage, and it is going to take me a while to recover. I know that once I step of the plane in the UK, there will be no more requirement for Valium, (with the exception of tapering off it). It’s only my partially rational and partially irrational fear of flying that is the reason for me needing it currently.

I do think I have done quite well overall through the past few days. I’ve been interacting, talking, and engaging with my family and Mike, and it has made me feel a little better at times. I’ll try my best to hold onto the positives, because recently I’ve become aware that I seem to remember the negatives instead of the positives of past memories. That’s something I need to try and change, I need to remember both, but more importantly remember the positive parts as opposed to the negatives. It should ultimately make it a lot easier to feel happier. You know people say “the past is the past” but I actually dislike this phrase because the past is actually what has created you. So in someways, you are the past. So it’s a redundant statement. You cannot ignore the past, because the past is you. You must look back into the past, maybe try to find positives or things that you can make positive and project them into the future. The past is the past, but it’s part of you, otherwise you wouldn’t exist.

I’ve got a lot to think about in regards to this small enlightenment. How about you?

Harrison

The Mist

It’s been hard to let go. I’m still struggling with it. Dealing with losing something that you so desperately didn’t want to lose can really shake or even shatter the foundations of your life balance. I know that in my heart, what I desire is currently out of reach. The issue I have is that I’m finding it almost impossible to let go. It’s so hard to accept a change in your life when it’s something that’s been keeping you under control. However, what I believe I’ve learned from this is that I need to find this control within myself. I will never be able to really get better if the source of balance / control is external. I guess you could say that’s not even real control anyway. It’s the illusion of control, the safety net.

It’s hard for me because I didn’t expect it. I didn’t see it coming, and to a certain extent it happened because of something i did which is an interesting thing for me to talk about. You see while on one side, I believe it to have been the catalyst for me losing something very special, but on the other hand, it was a DR who saw me while in Melbourne hospital who actually made me realize what was causing me to be so sick in the first place. So while in my mind, it feels like my decision to go up and see my gf while being so sick was a terrible mistake, it was also another step forward in understanding why i was feeling so sick, So in that way, even though it messed up the one thing I felt i had, it may have actually saved it. I wont know that until the time comes again that we meet, and I sincerely hope that the connection we had, which was so special, and so strong will be reignited when we meet again in the future. What’s hard for me is the uncertainty of the future. I have no control over it, and that’s something I have an issue accepting. I constantly want to ask her if she is still even interesting in me, does she still believe like we once said that we are soul partners. These questions, ones that she probably cannot answer because the answer may lie in how I recover. I have to accept that it also may lie in her self development. What she may have felt previously, may not be the same in the future. This again for me is something that’s very hard to deal with. I know what I want, but I know that I cannot see into the future, and I cannot say that what I want to happen will. All I can do is focus on myself, get better, and hope that secretly that’s what this was about. I’ve realized though, that in order to truly get better, I need to get better, to the point where if we do not end up together, it doesn’t make me crash. The point being that (and as I mentioned previously) I have to find happiness in myself, as opposed to external elements. You can definitely have external things that make you happy, but I believe I have to be able to to be happy without them, so that if things do not work out as I want them to do so, it doesn’t make everything I plan on working towards a waste of time. Basically I have to get better for myself, within myself. This is the only way I will truly be able to be happy, stable, and not crash when things outside the realm of my control take a path that I didn’t want it to take.

Things for me at the moment are somewhat difficult (as always). I’m struggling to control myself when it comes to the thought of flying in a few days. I know it’s going to be a difficult period of 48 hours, but I have the right people, the right tools, and thankfully the right medication to get me through it. I do believe that at the very least going to the UK cannot make things worse than they already are. I will try to remain open to the idea that moving there is going to move me forward. I do believe there’s a chance, unfortunately it’s just so difficult to see. The problem with losing control, becoming depressed or anxious is that it clouds your mind. It makes it very difficult to see things that normally would make people happy. It makes it very difficult to motivate yourself or even know what to do to get yourself out of the mist. It’s literally like being lost in a desert or a mist. You cannot see where you are going. So by yourself, it’s possible you won’t get out, you might even perish. However with the help of others, those who don’t have the mist, it’s possible to get out of it by simply allowing them to help. Take their hand, and trust that in doing so you’ll eventually get out of the mist you’ve been trapped in for such a long time. I think it’s important for me to try and think about the positive things about going to the UK. I am firstly and most of all, looking forward to seeing my Grandpa Alan, and my best friend Tom. I’m looking forward to staying with my Godfather Mike, and helping him with whatever needs to be done. I’m looking forward to trying to expand my blog, and possibly get more exposure, as I believe and have been told that I write well, yet this blog on average gets about 5 views per post. Not a particularly high view rate, then again, I never wrote these blogs to get lots of views, I wrote and continue to write them for myself, and for anyone who is interested to try and understand how and why my life is as it is. It’s let’s me re-evaluate situations, feelings and events that have happened. It allows me to reflect on these events, and possibly come out with a different and most likely better experience of the situation in speaking.

It’s not easy though, even now as I write this, I don’t feel happy. I seldom feel happiness, or contentment, and this does make it hard to feel motivated to do anything. After all, what’s the point of living if you can’t enjoy it. So I have to somehow find a way to start enjoying things again. I’ve been trying for a long time to achieve that, and I’m still struggling. It’s possible that it’s simply because I’m looking in the wrong areas, or maybe it’s because I need to get physically better before I’ll be able to enjoy things. There are no answers, because the question is unknown. You can only go on how you feel, and what you know, try to rationalize it all, and ultimately make decisions that you think are going to make you feel content in the long run.

I see all these people around me, that enjoy themselves so much. I cannot deny that in some ways it just makes me more unhappy. I’m envious of how easy it is for them to be content. Why do I have to struggle so much with something so many people find so easy. The thing is, dwelling on this isn’t going to magically make things better. I have to make things get better. It’s silly for me to be envious of something that ultimately I can and will have. I know that time is going to help, as long as I do the right things, be true to myself and the people helping me. I know that it’s likely there will be times when I am tempted to abuse drugs, and these are the times where I have to be honest and transparent with people around me. They need to know that I am feeling that way, so that we can hopefully avoid me from actually doing it. Even when I am in control, I am still partially always looking for ways to get a good time out of drugs, because it’s in our nature to try and be happy. Unfortunately for me, it’s one of the only effective ways of at least giving me the illusion of happiness. It’s not real happiness though, it’s simply tricking my mind with drugs, which long term is absolutely not going to be a good thing. This is why once I’m in the UK, I will be coming off the Valium, for good. It is not something I can continue to have, even as a safety net. Something else will have to take it’s place. Finding that may be hard, but it’s just another thing that has to be done in order for me to get better. I’m pleased with myself for writing about these things, because it means I’m starting to prepare myself for getting better. Projecting that positive energy, and trying to look forward to the future is going to make a big difference in the timing and efficiency of my recovery.

I’m actually just returning now, from a nice walk with my Godfather Mike. Out of breath just from a brisk 30 minute walk, but it’s definitely a good thing. Exercise is something I absolutely need to be doing, but something I have absolutely not been getting on with. It’s so easy to forget or just refuse to do the things that you know will help, because it simply just doesn’t feel like they’ll help, no matter how many times you’ve tried and tested it. That’s how powerful the mental barrier can be. It’s really important to be able to acknowledge that the mental barrier is the reason for you not doing something, and then even more important to re-confirm this by actually doing it. Everyone has mental barriers, but some are stronger than others. Most people’s mental barriers are usually over either very significant things, or things that absolutely don’t matter at all. For me however, I pretty much have a mental barrier permanently up in my brain, and I have to always be aware of this, and try to push through it. The key thing to realize about mental barriers is that they are an illusion. They actually have no power what so ever. You can walk through any mental barrier, no matter how hard it seems. It’s an invisible wall, but it’s not real.

I’m trying really hard to find positives in going to the UK, I’m looking forward to a lot of things, and although at the moment I still might not feel great most of the time, it’s good to realize that I am acknowledging that there are good times ahead. I have a lot I can get done in the UK, and I know that with the help of Mike it will be much easier. I trust Mike with my life, and I’ve decided that I’m pretty much going to say yes to anything he says. I think that’s one of the first steps I need to take, I have to get used to saying yes. The more you do, the easier it’ll become. Right now I do very little, and so even the small things I have to say yes too can be hard. Mike is a very busy and hands on person, which is exactly what I need. The perfect role model in order to get my life to a place where I am content with myself, and my happiness. The funny thing is there isn’t even too much actually wrong with my life. Overall it’s good, I just have to search, find, and hold onto that. It is somewhere deep inside me, and although it’ll take time and perseverance to find, I do believe I can retrieve it.

Like I mentioned in my previous blog, I need to find happiness from within. This has stuck with me since someone I once knew very well said to me. It’s amazing how sometimes people come back into your life just at the right time. Almost like intentionally for a reason. I do believe this to be so, which is why I feel I will try to remain in contact with them, and hopefully we can actually catch up and becomes friends once I’m back in Australia.

Still plenty of blogs to come before I leave, and I have no intention of stopping once I get there, in fact I plan on blogging more and more, and possibly expanding what I write about. It’s going to be a challenge, but challenges are what I need right now. Small and Large, both are vital for me to recover my true self.

I’m in the mist, but I have the tools, the guidance, the love, and the strength to get out. It’s only a matter of time.

Sincerely,

Harrison aka Kinkymuffin

Finding happiness within oneself.

So I literally slept all day for some reason. My body doesn’t feel well today, just another side affect of all the medication I take and most likely the ones I’ve abused too. It sucks, to feel so sick for no reason, to have to pretty much give up the day to sleeping and lying in bed. Nothing i can do but eat and drink healthily and hope that tomorrow is different. My godfather Mike arrived last night, and we all talked and enjoyed each others company to the fullest extent possible. It was lovely, and I felt happy which obviously is a rare thing. I do feel being around such an active positive person will be very good for me, hopefully enough to get me back to normal. Although I’m well aware that to returning to normal ultimately remains up to my own ability, and how I’m meant to do that, I’m still not sure. Someone kind hearted and someone I used to be friends with told me something yesterday which struck a chord. She sad “You have to find happiness within yourself”. I never thought of it like that before, I’ve been searching for happiness everywhere, but maybe I missed the one place that i’m ultimately going to find it. Me. Inside of myself. I’m not quite sure how yet, but I believe in time it will come to me. I cannot deny that I am not still hurting about recent events. It drives me down, whenever I think about it. I think about it. Her. A lot. I understand there is no way to fix things quickly, and I understand that what the future holds is uncertain. This scares me, because deep within I know what i want, yet there’s only so much  I can do to make it happen. I will get better, because that’s the key. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to know if that key will unlock the door to what I truly desire. It’s hard to get better. It’s harder to get better when it’s only opening a chance of getting what I want, as opposed to definitely. It remains painful to this day. I do feel somewhat betrayed, even though that is most certainly not what happened. The truth is what happened is probably a good thing. I cannot get better when I’m leaning on someone else to do so. I must get better on my own. I need to find contentment, happiness and satisfaction within myself, and only then, am I in a position to try and pursue what I desire. What we had was a glimpse of something amazing, but if I want that to stick, I have to do this without her. I hate it, it still stings. It still hurts, because I wasn’t ready for it, nor did I expect it. Coping without what I had seems hard, and while it may have made things worse short term, I guess I have to believe that long term it needed to happen this way.

I cannot say I do not miss her. I cannot say I still do not love her. I cannot say I don’t want her back. I cannot say I feel what happened is a good thing.

I guess it’s not up to me though. How I feel and what’s happened are two different things. I cannot change the past, I can only try my best to shape the future and hope that it works out how I want it too. I do feel lonely without her, what makes it hurt more too is how differently we are coping with what happened, but then again it makes sense because it was not my choice. I didn’t make the decision. She did.

I hope she cares. I hope she truly meant it when she sad there’s still a chance. I hope she reads my blogs, although I feel like she doesn’t, which may be a good thing since some of them are about her. The truth is she was my world, and without that I have felt lost. Completely. Now I have to find myself, find my way back, and hope that once I’ve found my world, she’s still in it.

I wish things were different. I cannot deny that. I have never loved someone so much, nor felt so connected to someone. So to suddenly go from everything to nothing has hurt me. I need time to heal, and I need to learn to accept that there are going to be things that happen that I don’t like. All I can do is hope that at the end of it, she realizes and remembers what we had, and ultimately wants what I want. A life with who I believe is my soul partner.

The uncertainty is ugly, it’s more pressure and worry that I don’t need. However no matter how ugly the situation seems. No matter how on and off we are, how half the time she doesn’t answer my texts, or seem interested in being friends at all, I can only hope that things work out.

Getting better is the only thing I can do, if I want to know the conclusion to the story. Whether it be good or bad, getting better is ultimately what I have to do. It’s not going to be easy, but nothing in my life ever is.  I will get there though, and maybe I need to find reason in myself to get better, right now I’m doing it for that chance that it brings me back to what I have lost.

Lost but not forgotten, maybe best forgotten but not lost.

Balancing balance

It’s only a couple of days until I leave for the uk. How am I feeling? No idea. One minute I’m ok, the next minute I’m panicking a lot and feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety. It’s incredibly hard at the moment to work up the initiate to just about anything. I’ve been trying to not just sit in my room on my laptop, and yesterday I achieved that. I spent almost the entire day outside of the room I’m staying in at my dad’s house. I talked to them (dad and Phil) and watched a movie before retreating to bed. I felt much better overall, not being alone, which I think is an important element that I really need to try and remember. It’s so easy to forget what is useful in keeping me stable, and under control, but it’s as simple as talking to people and not isolating yourself. Isolation is pretty much what I always do when I’m not well, and it’s always a disaster. I spend a lot of time dwelling on how I’m feeling, which is usually irrational, but it just makes things worse. When your by yourself the tendency to abuse medication or drugs becomes far more tempting. No one will know, no one to stop you, and it gives you the illusion of feeling better. I know that I cannot any longer just sit around watching TV on my laptop all day. It’s so boring anyway, yet It’s all I’ve been doing for about a month. That and taking far too much valium, and taking more tapentadol than I’m mean to. I’ve already admitted this in a previous blog, so while it’s not new news, it is still important to talk about. This time I do now feel that someone else should be in control of my medication because while it is very important that I have the right medication for times of need, it’s very important that I don’t abuse them. It only causes problems and drives me further into the deep hole I’m already in.

Right now, I cannot say I feel proud of being who I am, and what I’ve done for the past month or two. While I had no intention of abusing my medication, I did, because I lost control and I am only human. I’ve had to face and am still facing the consequences of my actions and it’s hard. I don’t think people will judge me, but I still feel judged. I feel like I failed. I really tried so hard to be responsible but when my mind is not in a good state it’s almost impossible for me to always makes the right decisions. One slip up leads to the next and before you know it, it’s blown so far out of proportion that you’re completely messed up.

Now I have to go see my GP (in about 2 hours) and tell about it all. I know she’s going to be dissapointed, possibly even angry and upset and It’s really hard for me to sit here waiting for this to happen. It’s making me anxious just thinking about it. It’s not like I ever intentionally wanted my life to take the path it did, I just simply aren’t experienced enough, nor strong enough to resist the temptation of abusing drugs when I feel my life is so shit. I know that it’s not really that bad, and I’m trying to be optimistic that it will get better, but even that is hard to do. There are so many things that I need to change, so many things I want but can’t have. So many feelings I wish I could vanquish but can’t. I simply have to allow myself to feel them, and try to believe that eventually they’ll go away. I’m having thoughts of not wanting to live anymore, and I have to deal with those too. It’s scary how real they are, and again while I would never act upon it, because I believe I am strong enough to at least stop myself from doing something like that. However, the thought of it alone is worrying, and not one that anyone should have to feel.

Mike (My godfather) is arriving tonight, to spend some time with us over here, before I fly back to the UK with him. I am so anxious and weak, that I needed someone to come over and take me back. I can’t do it on my own.

To be honest being me is hard, I dislike a lot of the decisions I’ve made, and I constantly make bad decisions on a daily basis, decisions I know are fucking dumb yet I do it anyway because I’m so desperate to have a little bit of time where I don’t feel like absolute shit. This is the trap of drugs, and why so many people with physical or mental health problems ultimately end up with drug addiction / problems too. It’s actually hard to put the blame on them, because when something helps so much short term, it’s very easy to look past the very bad side affects of taking it long term or too much because of how effective it is at the time of remedying your feelings.

I’ve given up control of my medication to Mike (when he arrives), so I will no longer be able to abuse them. Unfortunately, I tried to be responsible with my medication but I am just in such a fragile and vulnerable state of mind that it isn’t really possible for me to do so.

I really hope that this change, moving to the uk for a short period of time is going to once and for all get me out of this nightmare of a life that I currently have. It really needs to, because I am honestly running out of strength, and will to fight. I need to get better, because each time I crash, it gets harder and harder to get out of. I have to bounce back, and then stay there, not crash again. I need to do this, for many reasons. It’s hard though, because it’s hard for me to find reasons for wanting to do it. I have about one, one which is not even certain, just a chance. All I can do is try my best to get better and hope that fate brings us back together, because I believe I found my soul mate. While I might have lost her for now, most likely because of how bad my condition has been, I really feel like we were meant to be together. It’s going to be tough over the next couple of months, if I see things that very well may happen, because it’s a normal part of being a teenager and growing up. It’ll hurt, a lot, but I have to be realistic and understand that because the age difference of who I believe to be my soul partner is so large, there is going to be some exploration or experiences before we eventually (hopefully) wind up together. It’s incredibly hard for me to accept this, as I hate the idea with a passion. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, but it’s something I have to accept as a real possibility. Right now, to be honest, having a shot at getting her back is the only reason I have to try and get better. I’m sure there are other reasons too, but right now I cannot find them. I’m searching, but it’s hard when to find reasons to fight when you honestly don’t feel much at all.

I will fight though, I will try, I have to get better, and hopefully I’ll be rewarded if I can actually get to a position where I feel proud to be me again, and not some weak shell of a person who’s literally clinging on to life by a thin line of family support, medication and attempting to be rational with my thoughts.

Long road ahead, and no idea how it will turn out. What can I do but try and move forward and hope that I don’t mess it up…again.

Wish me luck, I guess.

Harrison aka Kinkymuffin