It is most definitely under the radar, when it comes to how important mental health is. They don’t really teach you in school how to deal with dire situations, or crisis. Something that would probably be much more useful than say I don’t know, Christian studies…(shot’s fired?).
Think about it, most things in life, start and finish, but your mind starts and finishes your life. Not in it, well, actually that’s what I’m about to talk about now, is it possible to lose your mind in life? It’s called going crazy. I think it takes a lot of time, hardship, or drugs to actually go crazy (unless you have some predisposition to it through genetics etc). I’ve been battling with my mind for probably about 15 years, and for the last 2, it’s been far more fierce. Sometimes I wonder if each person’s brain actually functions differently. The way you think, is it the same as how I think. For example, I often find myself literally talking to myself in my head. I believe this is because I seem to have not one but two entities in my brain that make decisions. When I’m with my therapist, I often refer to them as the “normal” and “negative” me. The normal me is who I like to be, it’s when I’m…well, normal. The “negative” me is a problem, if it starts making decisions, they are most often bad ones. Usually down the path of quick fixes and “instant relief” instead of long term investments to ultimately get back to being a normal person. The issue is, that for me, it’s not always possible to control which voice is making the decisions. This is something I struggle with each and every day.
At the moment, I’m actually finding it very difficult to know how I’m feeling overall. My mood is quite up and down, but this time I have a trigger. Unfortunately, that trigger isn’t something I can escape, in fact it sucks because that’s the last thing I want to do. It’s hard though. I’ll be feeling just alright, then I’ll see the trigger and suddenly I feel so down, so upset, so miserable, and it’s hard to get out of that. I’m hoping that time and distraction will eventually diminish it, but until that time it’s exceptionally hard at the moment to get through the day without having some kind of mini break down, multiple times.
I know that I will get through this. I know that eventually I’ll get out of this volatile cycle and things will get a bit easier. I know it will happen, I just know that with this particular one the main ingredient is time. When I am on the edge, it’s quite ridiculous how easily I can be triggered. Like right now, I look outside, and can see it’s not a particularly nice day. Grey sky, gloomy, dull. Makes me feel sad. I wish it was a nice clear blue sky, it probably make a big difference to how I feel.
The past week has been a frustrating one. Just so many things have gone wrong, or been harder than they needed to be. I’ve upset people, and been upset by people. Yesterday, I woke up at 1:00 pm, by a text from my friend Davies. Davies was nice enough to text me to remind me about a friends bbq. If he hadn’t of sent that text, I wouldn’t have gone. I knew it was on, but I didn’t want to go, because I never do. That made a big difference to how I was feeling, and I really grateful to have a friend to Davies, who probably has no idea how big a difference that made to my day. Most of my friends don’t bother to ask me if want to play with them, or whatever. I understand, if I want to play I just have to log on and join in, but for me it’s hard. I never really feel like I want to. If someone asked, maybe I’d feel more like I wanted to, because It would make me feel like they actually want me to play. Like they care. I know it seems obnoxious, like it’s all about me, bla bla, but the truth is it’s just really hard for me to want to do anything. However, when someone else asks me to do it, it becomes easier, because suddenly it’s not all about what i want, it’s about others too. One of the best ways to make yourself feel better, is to focus on someone else. If you help someone else, you’ll help yourself out, at the same time. It’s a great strategy, as long as you are well enough to do so. Right now I just about am. So hopefully when I travel to the UK in the upcoming weeks It’ll help me to better myself and get back into normal routine.
Still, right now I’m wavering. I think my medication is correct, but so much has happened in the last month that I’m still finding it hard to get by each day. There’s a lot of things I should be doing that I’m not, and there are some things I am doing that I shouldn’t. All I know is I’m trying my best, and that’s all I can really do.
Sometimes I see posts on FB, people complaining about having a bad day or something. I envy them, I wish I had bad day’s. I feel like I have a bad life. I don’t, but it’s all based on perspective. From my perspective, I feel like I do kind of have a shit life, especially the past couple of years. Put my life against maybe a 25 year old from Africa, and I bet my life looks much much better. Perspective. The issue is, because of perspective, it means even if compared to someone else my life is fantastic, If I feel like it’s shit, then that feeling is very real. It’s important to understand perspective, because it plays a huge role in everyone’s life. Everyone. has perspective, whether they know it or not. I’ve been writing these for a while now, and while I write them mainly for myself, and have an average of 3 viewers (lol), I do feel a small sense of achievement that i’m actually still going with it. Never thought I would when someone (can’t remember who) recommended I start writing a blog. I thought it was a stupid idea, and I didn’t want to do it. I felt silly, and awkward. Now a lot of the time I like writing them. Today is a bit harder. I wanted to write something but I’m finding it a bit hard to extract that emotional language that I write when I’m at my best. I don’t really feel like this blog is a good one. Doesn’t have much point or meaning, but I think it’s better to keep writing. Some habits are good to form, like writing often, exercise etc. Definitely something I struggle with. I find it very hard to keep a routine. I should work on it, but right now I just feel like I can’t be bothered. I’m out of energy, I feel fatigued, weak, drained. My energy, and motivation levels are down, and while I’ve made a few small improvements over the past couple of days, there’s still a long way to go before I’m back to where I was a couple of months ago.
I’m hungry, so I’m going to finish off some takeaway I had last night. What a healthy breakfast.
Hopefully next blog will be better,
Harrison aka Kinkymuffin