It’s only a couple of days until I leave for the uk. How am I feeling? No idea. One minute I’m ok, the next minute I’m panicking a lot and feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety. It’s incredibly hard at the moment to work up the initiate to just about anything. I’ve been trying to not just sit in my room on my laptop, and yesterday I achieved that. I spent almost the entire day outside of the room I’m staying in at my dad’s house. I talked to them (dad and Phil) and watched a movie before retreating to bed. I felt much better overall, not being alone, which I think is an important element that I really need to try and remember. It’s so easy to forget what is useful in keeping me stable, and under control, but it’s as simple as talking to people and not isolating yourself. Isolation is pretty much what I always do when I’m not well, and it’s always a disaster. I spend a lot of time dwelling on how I’m feeling, which is usually irrational, but it just makes things worse. When your by yourself the tendency to abuse medication or drugs becomes far more tempting. No one will know, no one to stop you, and it gives you the illusion of feeling better. I know that I cannot any longer just sit around watching TV on my laptop all day. It’s so boring anyway, yet It’s all I’ve been doing for about a month. That and taking far too much valium, and taking more tapentadol than I’m mean to. I’ve already admitted this in a previous blog, so while it’s not new news, it is still important to talk about. This time I do now feel that someone else should be in control of my medication because while it is very important that I have the right medication for times of need, it’s very important that I don’t abuse them. It only causes problems and drives me further into the deep hole I’m already in.
Right now, I cannot say I feel proud of being who I am, and what I’ve done for the past month or two. While I had no intention of abusing my medication, I did, because I lost control and I am only human. I’ve had to face and am still facing the consequences of my actions and it’s hard. I don’t think people will judge me, but I still feel judged. I feel like I failed. I really tried so hard to be responsible but when my mind is not in a good state it’s almost impossible for me to always makes the right decisions. One slip up leads to the next and before you know it, it’s blown so far out of proportion that you’re completely messed up.
Now I have to go see my GP (in about 2 hours) and tell about it all. I know she’s going to be dissapointed, possibly even angry and upset and It’s really hard for me to sit here waiting for this to happen. It’s making me anxious just thinking about it. It’s not like I ever intentionally wanted my life to take the path it did, I just simply aren’t experienced enough, nor strong enough to resist the temptation of abusing drugs when I feel my life is so shit. I know that it’s not really that bad, and I’m trying to be optimistic that it will get better, but even that is hard to do. There are so many things that I need to change, so many things I want but can’t have. So many feelings I wish I could vanquish but can’t. I simply have to allow myself to feel them, and try to believe that eventually they’ll go away. I’m having thoughts of not wanting to live anymore, and I have to deal with those too. It’s scary how real they are, and again while I would never act upon it, because I believe I am strong enough to at least stop myself from doing something like that. However, the thought of it alone is worrying, and not one that anyone should have to feel.
Mike (My godfather) is arriving tonight, to spend some time with us over here, before I fly back to the UK with him. I am so anxious and weak, that I needed someone to come over and take me back. I can’t do it on my own.
To be honest being me is hard, I dislike a lot of the decisions I’ve made, and I constantly make bad decisions on a daily basis, decisions I know are fucking dumb yet I do it anyway because I’m so desperate to have a little bit of time where I don’t feel like absolute shit. This is the trap of drugs, and why so many people with physical or mental health problems ultimately end up with drug addiction / problems too. It’s actually hard to put the blame on them, because when something helps so much short term, it’s very easy to look past the very bad side affects of taking it long term or too much because of how effective it is at the time of remedying your feelings.
I’ve given up control of my medication to Mike (when he arrives), so I will no longer be able to abuse them. Unfortunately, I tried to be responsible with my medication but I am just in such a fragile and vulnerable state of mind that it isn’t really possible for me to do so.
I really hope that this change, moving to the uk for a short period of time is going to once and for all get me out of this nightmare of a life that I currently have. It really needs to, because I am honestly running out of strength, and will to fight. I need to get better, because each time I crash, it gets harder and harder to get out of. I have to bounce back, and then stay there, not crash again. I need to do this, for many reasons. It’s hard though, because it’s hard for me to find reasons for wanting to do it. I have about one, one which is not even certain, just a chance. All I can do is try my best to get better and hope that fate brings us back together, because I believe I found my soul mate. While I might have lost her for now, most likely because of how bad my condition has been, I really feel like we were meant to be together. It’s going to be tough over the next couple of months, if I see things that very well may happen, because it’s a normal part of being a teenager and growing up. It’ll hurt, a lot, but I have to be realistic and understand that because the age difference of who I believe to be my soul partner is so large, there is going to be some exploration or experiences before we eventually (hopefully) wind up together. It’s incredibly hard for me to accept this, as I hate the idea with a passion. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, but it’s something I have to accept as a real possibility. Right now, to be honest, having a shot at getting her back is the only reason I have to try and get better. I’m sure there are other reasons too, but right now I cannot find them. I’m searching, but it’s hard when to find reasons to fight when you honestly don’t feel much at all.
I will fight though, I will try, I have to get better, and hopefully I’ll be rewarded if I can actually get to a position where I feel proud to be me again, and not some weak shell of a person who’s literally clinging on to life by a thin line of family support, medication and attempting to be rational with my thoughts.
Long road ahead, and no idea how it will turn out. What can I do but try and move forward and hope that I don’t mess it up…again.
Wish me luck, I guess.
Harrison aka Kinkymuffin