So I literally slept all day for some reason. My body doesn’t feel well today, just another side affect of all the medication I take and most likely the ones I’ve abused too. It sucks, to feel so sick for no reason, to have to pretty much give up the day to sleeping and lying in bed. Nothing i can do but eat and drink healthily and hope that tomorrow is different. My godfather Mike arrived last night, and we all talked and enjoyed each others company to the fullest extent possible. It was lovely, and I felt happy which obviously is a rare thing. I do feel being around such an active positive person will be very good for me, hopefully enough to get me back to normal. Although I’m well aware that to returning to normal ultimately remains up to my own ability, and how I’m meant to do that, I’m still not sure. Someone kind hearted and someone I used to be friends with told me something yesterday which struck a chord. She sad “You have to find happiness within yourself”. I never thought of it like that before, I’ve been searching for happiness everywhere, but maybe I missed the one place that i’m ultimately going to find it. Me. Inside of myself. I’m not quite sure how yet, but I believe in time it will come to me. I cannot deny that I am not still hurting about recent events. It drives me down, whenever I think about it. I think about it. Her. A lot. I understand there is no way to fix things quickly, and I understand that what the future holds is uncertain. This scares me, because deep within I know what i want, yet there’s only so much I can do to make it happen. I will get better, because that’s the key. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to know if that key will unlock the door to what I truly desire. It’s hard to get better. It’s harder to get better when it’s only opening a chance of getting what I want, as opposed to definitely. It remains painful to this day. I do feel somewhat betrayed, even though that is most certainly not what happened. The truth is what happened is probably a good thing. I cannot get better when I’m leaning on someone else to do so. I must get better on my own. I need to find contentment, happiness and satisfaction within myself, and only then, am I in a position to try and pursue what I desire. What we had was a glimpse of something amazing, but if I want that to stick, I have to do this without her. I hate it, it still stings. It still hurts, because I wasn’t ready for it, nor did I expect it. Coping without what I had seems hard, and while it may have made things worse short term, I guess I have to believe that long term it needed to happen this way.
I cannot say I do not miss her. I cannot say I still do not love her. I cannot say I don’t want her back. I cannot say I feel what happened is a good thing.
I guess it’s not up to me though. How I feel and what’s happened are two different things. I cannot change the past, I can only try my best to shape the future and hope that it works out how I want it too. I do feel lonely without her, what makes it hurt more too is how differently we are coping with what happened, but then again it makes sense because it was not my choice. I didn’t make the decision. She did.
I hope she cares. I hope she truly meant it when she sad there’s still a chance. I hope she reads my blogs, although I feel like she doesn’t, which may be a good thing since some of them are about her. The truth is she was my world, and without that I have felt lost. Completely. Now I have to find myself, find my way back, and hope that once I’ve found my world, she’s still in it.
I wish things were different. I cannot deny that. I have never loved someone so much, nor felt so connected to someone. So to suddenly go from everything to nothing has hurt me. I need time to heal, and I need to learn to accept that there are going to be things that happen that I don’t like. All I can do is hope that at the end of it, she realizes and remembers what we had, and ultimately wants what I want. A life with who I believe is my soul partner.
The uncertainty is ugly, it’s more pressure and worry that I don’t need. However no matter how ugly the situation seems. No matter how on and off we are, how half the time she doesn’t answer my texts, or seem interested in being friends at all, I can only hope that things work out.
Getting better is the only thing I can do, if I want to know the conclusion to the story. Whether it be good or bad, getting better is ultimately what I have to do. It’s not going to be easy, but nothing in my life ever is. I will get there though, and maybe I need to find reason in myself to get better, right now I’m doing it for that chance that it brings me back to what I have lost.
Lost but not forgotten, maybe best forgotten but not lost.