It’s been hard to let go. I’m still struggling with it. Dealing with losing something that you so desperately didn’t want to lose can really shake or even shatter the foundations of your life balance. I know that in my heart, what I desire is currently out of reach. The issue I have is that I’m finding it almost impossible to let go. It’s so hard to accept a change in your life when it’s something that’s been keeping you under control. However, what I believe I’ve learned from this is that I need to find this control within myself. I will never be able to really get better if the source of balance / control is external. I guess you could say that’s not even real control anyway. It’s the illusion of control, the safety net.
It’s hard for me because I didn’t expect it. I didn’t see it coming, and to a certain extent it happened because of something i did which is an interesting thing for me to talk about. You see while on one side, I believe it to have been the catalyst for me losing something very special, but on the other hand, it was a DR who saw me while in Melbourne hospital who actually made me realize what was causing me to be so sick in the first place. So while in my mind, it feels like my decision to go up and see my gf while being so sick was a terrible mistake, it was also another step forward in understanding why i was feeling so sick, So in that way, even though it messed up the one thing I felt i had, it may have actually saved it. I wont know that until the time comes again that we meet, and I sincerely hope that the connection we had, which was so special, and so strong will be reignited when we meet again in the future. What’s hard for me is the uncertainty of the future. I have no control over it, and that’s something I have an issue accepting. I constantly want to ask her if she is still even interesting in me, does she still believe like we once said that we are soul partners. These questions, ones that she probably cannot answer because the answer may lie in how I recover. I have to accept that it also may lie in her self development. What she may have felt previously, may not be the same in the future. This again for me is something that’s very hard to deal with. I know what I want, but I know that I cannot see into the future, and I cannot say that what I want to happen will. All I can do is focus on myself, get better, and hope that secretly that’s what this was about. I’ve realized though, that in order to truly get better, I need to get better, to the point where if we do not end up together, it doesn’t make me crash. The point being that (and as I mentioned previously) I have to find happiness in myself, as opposed to external elements. You can definitely have external things that make you happy, but I believe I have to be able to to be happy without them, so that if things do not work out as I want them to do so, it doesn’t make everything I plan on working towards a waste of time. Basically I have to get better for myself, within myself. This is the only way I will truly be able to be happy, stable, and not crash when things outside the realm of my control take a path that I didn’t want it to take.
Things for me at the moment are somewhat difficult (as always). I’m struggling to control myself when it comes to the thought of flying in a few days. I know it’s going to be a difficult period of 48 hours, but I have the right people, the right tools, and thankfully the right medication to get me through it. I do believe that at the very least going to the UK cannot make things worse than they already are. I will try to remain open to the idea that moving there is going to move me forward. I do believe there’s a chance, unfortunately it’s just so difficult to see. The problem with losing control, becoming depressed or anxious is that it clouds your mind. It makes it very difficult to see things that normally would make people happy. It makes it very difficult to motivate yourself or even know what to do to get yourself out of the mist. It’s literally like being lost in a desert or a mist. You cannot see where you are going. So by yourself, it’s possible you won’t get out, you might even perish. However with the help of others, those who don’t have the mist, it’s possible to get out of it by simply allowing them to help. Take their hand, and trust that in doing so you’ll eventually get out of the mist you’ve been trapped in for such a long time. I think it’s important for me to try and think about the positive things about going to the UK. I am firstly and most of all, looking forward to seeing my Grandpa Alan, and my best friend Tom. I’m looking forward to staying with my Godfather Mike, and helping him with whatever needs to be done. I’m looking forward to trying to expand my blog, and possibly get more exposure, as I believe and have been told that I write well, yet this blog on average gets about 5 views per post. Not a particularly high view rate, then again, I never wrote these blogs to get lots of views, I wrote and continue to write them for myself, and for anyone who is interested to try and understand how and why my life is as it is. It’s let’s me re-evaluate situations, feelings and events that have happened. It allows me to reflect on these events, and possibly come out with a different and most likely better experience of the situation in speaking.
It’s not easy though, even now as I write this, I don’t feel happy. I seldom feel happiness, or contentment, and this does make it hard to feel motivated to do anything. After all, what’s the point of living if you can’t enjoy it. So I have to somehow find a way to start enjoying things again. I’ve been trying for a long time to achieve that, and I’m still struggling. It’s possible that it’s simply because I’m looking in the wrong areas, or maybe it’s because I need to get physically better before I’ll be able to enjoy things. There are no answers, because the question is unknown. You can only go on how you feel, and what you know, try to rationalize it all, and ultimately make decisions that you think are going to make you feel content in the long run.
I see all these people around me, that enjoy themselves so much. I cannot deny that in some ways it just makes me more unhappy. I’m envious of how easy it is for them to be content. Why do I have to struggle so much with something so many people find so easy. The thing is, dwelling on this isn’t going to magically make things better. I have to make things get better. It’s silly for me to be envious of something that ultimately I can and will have. I know that time is going to help, as long as I do the right things, be true to myself and the people helping me. I know that it’s likely there will be times when I am tempted to abuse drugs, and these are the times where I have to be honest and transparent with people around me. They need to know that I am feeling that way, so that we can hopefully avoid me from actually doing it. Even when I am in control, I am still partially always looking for ways to get a good time out of drugs, because it’s in our nature to try and be happy. Unfortunately for me, it’s one of the only effective ways of at least giving me the illusion of happiness. It’s not real happiness though, it’s simply tricking my mind with drugs, which long term is absolutely not going to be a good thing. This is why once I’m in the UK, I will be coming off the Valium, for good. It is not something I can continue to have, even as a safety net. Something else will have to take it’s place. Finding that may be hard, but it’s just another thing that has to be done in order for me to get better. I’m pleased with myself for writing about these things, because it means I’m starting to prepare myself for getting better. Projecting that positive energy, and trying to look forward to the future is going to make a big difference in the timing and efficiency of my recovery.
I’m actually just returning now, from a nice walk with my Godfather Mike. Out of breath just from a brisk 30 minute walk, but it’s definitely a good thing. Exercise is something I absolutely need to be doing, but something I have absolutely not been getting on with. It’s so easy to forget or just refuse to do the things that you know will help, because it simply just doesn’t feel like they’ll help, no matter how many times you’ve tried and tested it. That’s how powerful the mental barrier can be. It’s really important to be able to acknowledge that the mental barrier is the reason for you not doing something, and then even more important to re-confirm this by actually doing it. Everyone has mental barriers, but some are stronger than others. Most people’s mental barriers are usually over either very significant things, or things that absolutely don’t matter at all. For me however, I pretty much have a mental barrier permanently up in my brain, and I have to always be aware of this, and try to push through it. The key thing to realize about mental barriers is that they are an illusion. They actually have no power what so ever. You can walk through any mental barrier, no matter how hard it seems. It’s an invisible wall, but it’s not real.
I’m trying really hard to find positives in going to the UK, I’m looking forward to a lot of things, and although at the moment I still might not feel great most of the time, it’s good to realize that I am acknowledging that there are good times ahead. I have a lot I can get done in the UK, and I know that with the help of Mike it will be much easier. I trust Mike with my life, and I’ve decided that I’m pretty much going to say yes to anything he says. I think that’s one of the first steps I need to take, I have to get used to saying yes. The more you do, the easier it’ll become. Right now I do very little, and so even the small things I have to say yes too can be hard. Mike is a very busy and hands on person, which is exactly what I need. The perfect role model in order to get my life to a place where I am content with myself, and my happiness. The funny thing is there isn’t even too much actually wrong with my life. Overall it’s good, I just have to search, find, and hold onto that. It is somewhere deep inside me, and although it’ll take time and perseverance to find, I do believe I can retrieve it.
Like I mentioned in my previous blog, I need to find happiness from within. This has stuck with me since someone I once knew very well said to me. It’s amazing how sometimes people come back into your life just at the right time. Almost like intentionally for a reason. I do believe this to be so, which is why I feel I will try to remain in contact with them, and hopefully we can actually catch up and becomes friends once I’m back in Australia.
Still plenty of blogs to come before I leave, and I have no intention of stopping once I get there, in fact I plan on blogging more and more, and possibly expanding what I write about. It’s going to be a challenge, but challenges are what I need right now. Small and Large, both are vital for me to recover my true self.
I’m in the mist, but I have the tools, the guidance, the love, and the strength to get out. It’s only a matter of time.
Harrison aka Kinkymuffin