It’s absolutely astounding, how sometimes things can happen in your life that while could just be coincidental, may actually be a result of what you need and what the forces of life can give you that we cannot see. For example, someone who I once knew when I was young, and was quite close with recently made the re-appearance to my life out of nowhere (by facebook). We talked briefly, then didn’t really have much contact for a few months, until this month where my illusion of a life fell apart. She for no reason, and with no obligation has been there for me. And now, strangely enough, I’ve ended up being there for her, who very recently has had events happen similar but not the same as to what I have been through. Some might just put it down to good timing or luck, but I am not one to believe that these things just happen by chance. There was a reason we got back in contact, and there is still a reason why we are there for each other now. For privacy reasons I won’t disclose who this person is, but she will know I am talking about her. I hope she doesn’t mind, but these blogs are always intended to allow people inside my life, without actually revealing too much about who the specific people are. I feel it’s a good thing that I’m going to the UK in two days. I feel that without this, things could happen that while I would do probably to attempt to make myself feel better, would ultimately be done to hurt someone deliberately because I am hurting myself. I’m glad for that reason I am leaving to the UK, so any temptation that may occur in my mind has no chance to actually manifest itself into a reality. The other person in speaking may also find what I’ve just said somewhat offensive and I apologize if that’s true, I can only speak the truth from my mind, and no one is perfect. I only seek to acknowledge that these are feelings or ideas that I have because I am only human, and sometimes we can become selfish or corrupt, seeking only to help ourselves with the intention to hurt others who may have hurt is. This is most certainly not something I want to do, but I cannot deny it hasn’t entered my mind. I would never intentionally hurt anyone who has or is deer to me, and again I reinforce that I’m glad that I happen to be leaving in 2 days so that there is no way anything could happen. It might not have been ever a possibility anyway, it would have to be both of us thinking the same thing, but we’d both know that deep down doing something like that just to hurt the person who has hurt us is not what we want, and not going to help anyone in the long run. However, it’s quite possible that it was just myself who had this idea, and that the other person has had no such thoughts, and in that case, I admire their ability to be so balanced and calm. For me I cannot deny that sometimes I seek to hurt people who have hurt me, I just try my best to stop myself from actually going through with it. Most of the time I can, but it only takes one blow to get through, to potentially ruin something forever.
Onto myself, right now I am not particularly ok. My flight is in two days, and I’m getting more anxious, and more worried by the minute. The physical symptoms of my anxiety are slowly getting out of control, and right now I am really battling to keep them stable, even with the medication plan that we have to allow me to get to the UK. It’s hard, it’s not fun waking up feeling sick, going to bed feeling sick, feeling alarmed and worried all day, only to be able to feel slightly less alarmed with the help of powerful medication, which still isn’t even enough to fully counter my anxiety, because of the strength and forcefulness this anxiety has within me.
I will get through this, I have too, because I do believe that the UK is going to be good for me. Mostly because I think Mike is the perfect person to help get my life into shape. Mike has spent his entire life being proactive, so there is no better role model in my eyes for learning how to live. If I was to describe to you my average day from the past two months, I don’t think anyone would consider it living. It’s been better this week sure, since I’ve been at my dads and being try to interact with people, and stay away from just lying in my bed watching tv. I can’t deny that isn’t more or less what I’ve done today, but once Mike gets home I will try my best to get out and just talk or sit around and listen to conversation. It is quite amazing how quickly it can make you feel better, although it’s very difficult to remember that once it’s gone. It doesn’t matter how many times I have a conversation, or go for a walk and feel good, as soon as I’m home, I will forget how useful and effective what I’ve just done was. I guess it’s why I need to get into a routine, so I don’t have to actively think about doing this stuff, I just do it as part of my normal day. Hopefully, that will make me happy. I need to find this within myself, but I also need to find happiness outside, there has to be a balance of both, but they can’t be linked so that if one falls, the others stay in line. I have taken 10mg of Valium a couple of minutes ago (administered by my family obviously) and it is helping to take the edge of now. It is a testament to how strong my anxiety is that I need not 5 but 10mg of Valium to be able to stay calm. For the last couple of days I’ve been on just 5mg, once or twice a day, but I guess it is understandable that my condition was going to become more fragile as we get closer to the flight. I’m trying my absolute best to control my anxiety without having to take these medications, because ultimately that’s what being normal would be like. There is however, only so much I can do at this stage, and it is going to take me a while to recover. I know that once I step of the plane in the UK, there will be no more requirement for Valium, (with the exception of tapering off it). It’s only my partially rational and partially irrational fear of flying that is the reason for me needing it currently.
I do think I have done quite well overall through the past few days. I’ve been interacting, talking, and engaging with my family and Mike, and it has made me feel a little better at times. I’ll try my best to hold onto the positives, because recently I’ve become aware that I seem to remember the negatives instead of the positives of past memories. That’s something I need to try and change, I need to remember both, but more importantly remember the positive parts as opposed to the negatives. It should ultimately make it a lot easier to feel happier. You know people say “the past is the past” but I actually dislike this phrase because the past is actually what has created you. So in someways, you are the past. So it’s a redundant statement. You cannot ignore the past, because the past is you. You must look back into the past, maybe try to find positives or things that you can make positive and project them into the future. The past is the past, but it’s part of you, otherwise you wouldn’t exist.
I’ve got a lot to think about in regards to this small enlightenment. How about you?