Minds Kingdom – A collection of Poems

Bitter Smoke

Bitterness, I sit.
Quick mind, yet not lit.
A flame unburned, like a campfire too weak to start;
And yet, I see the sparks.
The pale gaze of rising smoke, the fire is within me;
But buried deep has it become, what magic words unlock such power.
I think not, these words I say today;
Yet;
One day.
One day, I may.

Jigsaw Emotion

The missing piece,
What was now, suspended in still motion.
Void of space, a missing connection.
All strength taken, all bonds unbound.
Profound, without it no sound.
White noise, black lights.
Tis but a fight. A fight without swords, victory or honor.
But I grow stronger.
Stonger with time, stronger with my mind.
Yet, I wonder…will I be fine?
The question that fluctuates in my mind,
Only in time, or at the feet of the Divine.

Static Charge of Mind

The unpresidented seat of candidates;
Some corrupt, some bitter, some gentle, some sweet.
Yet corruption is the seed of undoing.
It strikes hard into the eyes of wisdom.
It corrodes the hands of time.

A static discharge, rewiring circuits.
Small shocks, shear pain.

But the pain of my blood is not my enemy;
Nor do I fear its intent.

For true fear of the unknown, is unknowing the fear.

The Devils Thoughts

Fierce loyalty, yet snide and deceiving.
The hand given or hand taken?
Unspoken rules of uncertainty and fear.
What lies beneath, is far unseen to the eyes of willingness.

It cannot be seen, only awoken and unsettled.

Like tissue of skin and scar;
It will never fully heal;

But with wisdom, courage and strength of will.
I can make it kneel.

A Thousand Souls of Guilt

The cries of a thousand lost souls hangs heavily as my guilt.
Guilt that cannot be tamed;
Yet neither caught or caged.
Wild like animal, unpredictable like raindrops off leaves;
And yet, the awakening occurs.
Foundations laid;
By strength, perseverance and humility;
For it’s within the ability of thought to conquer ones mind.

A task untalked by most, but so core to the capacity of life.
From within this, power comes;
And not even the harsh screams of a thousand souls of guilt can stop me from hearing the voice of reason.

Enlightened I am;

Each passing day by minds treason.

That Feeling

A cold pot of boiling dreams.
Chaotic reduction of wondrous sunset;
Shadowed over by the foul manifestation of doubt.
Troubled, is my mind by this;
Knowing all too well the wheel of emotions it begins to spin.

But wheels are unmoved without the friction of negativity.
Stopped once spun, by the opposite spectrum of gratitude, safe feeling and optimism.

With the breaks in fingers reach;
Adjacent, my hand hand hold steady.
One must learn how to squeeze;
Seize the moment of emotion, and with it;
Will come an overwhelming sense of victory.
The battle won;
But within the uneven path to victory, lies tales of more heroic bravery.

All within sight;
Yet just out, of arms reach.
A curious proposition;
In time, will be breached.

Weathered Emotion

Thunderous clouds of thought;
Unpredictable, dangerous.
They strike feeling into the hearts of god.
Moody weather, the twin of emotion.
Clouds of grey gather, but without order or logic.
Demanded only by devestation, and goverened by wind.

Yet what is lost without clear vision;
The sun of enjoyment sits behind these cloud still;
One must only remember, to feel the heat of wonderful once more.
Clothes no longer soaked in guilt.

The sun shines freely, with or without it’s brother cloud.

Believing night of seeing;
Is what must be found.

Turn Me On

Lights engaging, fulfill me with spirit.
Switch flicks, sparks of desire.
One must aspire.
Aspiration, less desperation;
Like like a steam train, arrives proudly at minds station.

Sometimes full, but often barren.
Desert-less perils of the fascination.
The art of feeling, times great time to perfect.
What was, may not be what is;
What is, may feel worse than what was;
But all feeling has true cause.
Misty like clouds of smoke;
Pain and commitment, both taken in stride.

You must seek what you are looking for;
And seek it with pride.

A mind must be wide.

The Hurting – 09/06/15

Is it within ones self to afflict the hurting?
Every leaf, falls differently;
Battered by the winds of emotion.
Mind trapped in nauseating delusions;
Troubled too far by the journey of uncertainty.

Time too many is the journey of life ignored;
Made scarce by self loathing.
Fixation on ill minded thoughts;
But such beauty can be found.
Vibrancy of red, color flows from her cheeks;
But the thorns bury deep in my skin.
Each ones undoing reminiscent of angelic delight.

Yet sadness strikes deeply upon my heart;
Overwhelmed, my face bleeds transparent blood.
The hurting lives on;
Long after flowers lie dormant;
Wilted, defeated, forgotten.

Despair leaks from the cracks of stability.
Eyes open, yet not seeing.
Blinded by agony, defeated by mirrored hatred;
Doubt rules minds Kingdom.

And yet I know;

Anarchy is coming.

Unnamed – 11/06/15

Unnamed, unknown, ashamed, alone.
Hours of darkness, yet a never ending day.
Symptoms of unknowing, too strong to fade away.
Poetic literature, the start of dismays decay.

For within self analysis and insight;
We learn the fight.
Whether day or night, it’s within your might.
It is your right, so go, take flight.

Show spite to ill thinking, and courage to positivety.

The ultimate simplicity;
Too subtle for fame.
And that my friend;
Is where this poem gets its name.

Lost Worry 11/06/15

Torturous and deadly, it whips lashes at my heart.
So far apart, I drift endlessly over oceans of worry.
Unarmed, unmanned, the waves batter my soul.
Each one chips away a little more.
My mind erupts;
Magmatic thoughts;
Burn away at feelings of joy and hope.
But the shell remains;
Perfectly intact, it goes unseen by those who choose not to see it.

Salted uncertainty corrodes the cogs of my mind.
A damaged clock;
Too far gone to repair.

But the seeds of courage grow from within me.
Something far stronger than the heat of negativity.
Nurture and care;
The seeds must grow strong.

Without kindness to oneself, it cannot, last long.

An Open Mind – 13/06/15

An open mind, breeds all types of kind.
The senseless worry, drags far behind.
Too often is the mind vacant of self joy and love;
A soul left empty only fills with doubt.

Untrue to the nature of happiness;
It dominates, unraveling smart thinking;
And crushing sweet dreams of fragile opportunity.

A mind unkempt is a mind far weakened.
It lies only in the ability of awakening, to rectify such devastation.

Manifestation occurs, in all forms;
Good or bad, happy or sad.
Choice, lies still;
Delicately balanced by the influx of thought.

When wisdom is learnt, wisdom is taught.

Teacher or student, both roads lead a far.
Until one day, it’s only a scar.

Roses – 14/06/15

Roses, Roses, everywhere.
One passed with wisdom, one maiden’s fair.
One beautied with youth, one treasured with age.
Both won my heart, on the same little page.

Roses, Roses, wilted, forgotten.
Yet as old ones pass, new ones blossom.

Withdrawal From Negativity

So as of about a week ago, I made the decision to cut my anti depressant down from 40mg to 20mg per day. As to be expected with any anti depressant, I knew I was inevitably going to have some kind of acute withdrawal from making this step down.

Well it’s about day two of what I would call the worst days, and while It’s nothing like Valium withdrawal, it’s still certainly noticeable and taking it’s toll on my physical and mental health. The past two days have been quite considerably tougher, feeling very similar to the days when I was anxious and unhappy all the time. I guess it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve experienced coming off medication, it always takes you by surprise just how quickly it can make you feel unstable.

The good news is, I’m still happy, and even though I don’t feel particularly happy or healthy right now, I know that overall I am still very content. I guess It helps to keep in my mind at all times that this is not genuine unhappiness or ill-health, it’s just a reaction to changing stuff in my body. I know that it’s making me feel a bit off right now, but I know very well that it won’t last. That’s probably the most important thing to keep in mind, that and knowing when to do certain things to help. For example yesterday I woke up and within minutes I was physically sweating so much it was like I’d just run a marathon on a hot summers day. So, I put my shoes on, and sat outside. I decided that it would be interesting to really concentrate on the cars and the people inside them. Something that is as simple and mundane as that can actually become very interesting, if you simply approach it with genuine enthusiasm and interest. That’s what I did, and within minutes, not only was I feeling quite happy again, but I’d also cooled down considerably thanks to the fresh air.

It’s really quite astounding how quickly you can change your feelings if you truly believe that you have control over it. For me, that was a great achievement. Going from a state of anxiety, to feeling calm and content in a number of minutes, on a day where I’m suffering from withdrawal, is absolutely incredible for me. I did not expect that I could after 5 weeks, change how I feel so quickly. It’s become so much simpler too. I no longer have to close my eyes, or “zone out” to concentrate with logical thinking. Now, all I have to do is start that process, and before I even get into actually doing it, it starts to resolve my anxiety. It’s like the process has become automated and efficient, and I only have to “prompt” it to start it’s effects.

I know this withdrawal won’t last forever, and I believe that once it’s over I’ll just feel even better, because I really don’t believe I need anti depressants anymore. An open mind and willingness to change, is far more powerful than a pill in my opinion. I’ve been on and off anti depressants for almost two years. I’ve been on life’s anti depressant (open mindedness and awareness) for just 6 weeks, and the difference it’s made to my health, happiness and relationships with others far outweighs all of the anti depressants in the entire world put together. It’s not even a fair comparison.

Really, it’s just a testament to how powerful the human brain is, and you only need to truly believe you have the power to change and you will. I know I have. I know I will continue to change, continue to grow. Anti depressants changed chemicals in my body. Open mindedness, awareness and the willingness to change my entire perspective on life, changed me from the core of my heart to the center of my brain.

This is just withdrawal from negativity.

Genuinely Happy, Genuinely Harry

So over the past week, I’ve been tapering down my anti depressant (auto-citalopram). I’ve gone from 40mg to 20mg, and today is the first time I’m beginning to feel the withdrawal effects that inevitably come with reducing medication. It’s not particularly pleasant. My hands are hot and sweaty, I’m a bit anxious, and extremely irritable. The most mundane and slightest things make my mind boil with frustration. For the first time in about a week, I’d say I’m struggling a little bit to keep my positive mentality. The good thing is, it’s not really a concern because I know all too well this is just temporary, and eventually I’ll get back to how I felt a few days ago.

I’m actually very pleased that I’ve made the decision to start coming off the anti depressant. I don’t feel they help that much for me personally, yet I can absolutely tell that they have some negative side effects on my physical health. It’s certainly challenging today, but I’m not worried or anxious about failing, because I know I wont. I’ve had a lovely morning with one of the volunteers for Mike’s charity (lessons for life). Jan, is a wonderful lady, with a kind heart and much wisdom to share. We went for an absolutely beautiful walk this morning, and we have already become good friends. She’s offered to let me stay with her in Liverpool, and show me around. I’ve never been to Liverpool and I’m really looking forward to it.

It’s absolutely incredible how quickly you can make genuine friends when you take interest in others. Instead of talking about myself, I asked questions and took a real interest in her answers. Not only did Jan have much to share, but it was a fantastic and fulfilling conversation. It’s really amazing how much every person has to share, and you only need to ask the questions to find it.

I’ve been cooking pretty much every evening for over a week now, and I’m loving it. Making all these things that I used to make, and even improving on them by adding more ingredients is very rewarding. Mike always has a good thing to say about my cooking, and I’m starting to notice how much difference it makes when you go that little extra mile to enhance your cooking.

Overall today has been a more challenging day, but I’m still very positive and happy. I’m loving life, and am still in complete awe of how good I now feel 90% of the time. It’s truly remarkable how just changing you’re awareness, and becoming interested and thoughtful towards others impacts your own personal well being. Not only do I feel great, but the conversations are 5000x more rewarding. I’m making friends with all different types of people. It really does seem like everyone has something interesting to say, and you only have to open your mind and listen in order to learn from the wisdom of others.

Yesterday morning, I had a really fantastic experience. I woke up, and for some unknown reason my right lung was hurting considerably. It was actually making it rather difficult to breathe fully, and as a result of this, I started to get a bit anxious. What was truly amazing was that once we decided to go for a walk, my anxiety and worry faded away within minutes. I went from an 9 out of 10 anxiety to about a 1 in literally 2 minutes. This is a remarkable achievement for me, because normally in the past it’s taken hours or days to get my anxiety back to a manageable level. This time, I didn’t have to concentrate for long, or hard. I simply reminded myself everything would be alright, and I was fine. Normally I have to go into a lot more deep thinking and perseverance to lower my anxiety levels, yet this time just by beginning the process it was enough to almost instantly resolve my state of mind.

It’s such a victory, such an important victory for me. I cannot begin to explain how relieving it is to know that I can control my anxiety that quickly now. It’s such a great feeling, and I can’t help but feel quite proud of our team effort (mike and me) in tackling my anxiety and getting it under control. I rarely feel anxious anymore, and now most mornings when I wake up I don’t feel sick. I don’t have a churning stomach, and I can actually eat and drink straight away instead of having to wait anywhere from 1  to 2 hours.

Everything is going so well. I feel better and better everyday. Everything I do, that is kind and thoughtful towards other people, comes back to me in spades. It’s just so enlightening and rewarding, I can’t really imagine any other way to live life after just 1 month of changing my perspective and mentality.

I am genuinely happy, I am genuinely content, I am genuinely interested in others, and I am genuinely me, once more.

Harry.

Tears of Joy

Just over 4 weeks on, and to be honest, my entire world has been flipped upside down. That frown has become a smile, and my anxiety and sadness has slowly turned into happiness and contentment. A lot of things had to change, and have to continue to change for me to feel this way, but what’s remarkable is how effective it is even after just a few weeks. I never thought in a million years I would feel this much better after such a small amount of time. I guess it all goes to show that happiness really is a mentality. That’s not to say it was easy, in fact it was still one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. It’s an enormous amount of effort and willpower, and for the first couple of weeks you don’t really see or feel any change at all. At certain points it’s easy to start thinking it’s not working, and you’ll be stuck in that negative cycle forever, but the real key is at that point just to keep going.

So four weeks on and I’m literally a different person. I’m smiley, happy, enthusiastic, and confident. I’ve lost over 8kg’s since I’ve been here. I no longer have health issues in the morning, and I feel stronger, fitter and healthier than I’ve been in years. I haven’t taken any valium, seraquel, codeine, endone or anything else potentially hazardous since I left Australia. What’s even better is I don’t miss them. I’ve been off them for long enough now that I don’t really have any physical addiction left, and while I still know part of me will always have that mental addiction side, I am now strong enough, and wise enough to know it’s not worth it.

My mentality has changed immensely towards everything. I’m so much more aware of how my actions, words, tone and mannerisms impact other people. I’ve learnt very quickly that taking interest in other people is far more rewarding than talking about myself. I’ve learnt that dealing with people, is far more complex than I’d originally thought, and the best way to deal with people is to put yourself in their shoes. Their position. Suddenly, all of that anxiety, tension, fear, and anger just fades away. What’s left is a deeper understanding, and innate sense of sympathy / empathy for the other person. Not only does this help to resolve any issues between you, but it allows you to almost always walk away from any situation, feeling happy and satisfied.

I’m only really touching the surface of this type of being, but I cannot tell you how much of a difference it makes to my own happiness. I am for the first time in probably two years, genuinely happy. I’ve been cooking in the evening for over a week now, and I love it! We play all sorts of sports, and I love it! Mike and I have absolutely amazing conversations and I love it! I take interest in other people, and try to ask questions instead of talking about myself, my problems, my fears….and I love it! Instead of feeling bored, depressed, anxious and sick, now I can sit in front of the TV and most of the time all I can think about is how fantastic I feel. I get waves of good feeling that course through my entire body. Honestly, it’s remarkably similar to how abusing drugs can make your body feel. The difference being that a natural high lasts longer, feels better, has zero drawbacks and is not harmful for you long term.

For me, that feeling is something I have not been able to have for over 2 years without the help of drugs. So for me to now be able to sit in front of the TV, and feel that good, it is a big enough change to make me cry of happiness. So many things are happening, and my mentality towards life has already completely changed. I know there’s still a way to go, but I am 200% confident that I can continue down this road now without any real problems.

Mike, who took me in when I was at the lowest point of my life, has been nothing but a saving grace for me. I was in trouble, physically, and mentality. I can never show enough appreciation for how much he helped me, as well as my entire family as well. The first couple of weeks here were particularly tough. Someone going through extreme valium withdrawal is not easy to deal with. Yet Mike didn’t let it phase him at all. He was so caring, and loving, it really is a testament to how kind and generous a person he is. I stand to this day, still believing that Mike is without question the most kind, loving and generous person that I have ever personally known.

That’s not to say I am not proud of myself, and everyone for helping me. Without all the support and love from my family, I would not be here today. Without my own strength, perseverance and willingness to change, I would not be sitting here writing words of joy.

It has been an absolutely amazing month, and I have nothing but confidence that it’s going to be an even more fantastic year. No. A fantastic life.

Positive Thinking

I’m back, and I mean for real this time! I’ve been in the UK for almost a month now, and thanks to my Godfather Mike, I have been able to already start changing the way I think about everything. It’s absolutely unreal how different haven’t a positive outlook on life can make you feel. As well as that I’ve also been very active, doing all sorts of sports and activities and even some cheeky work.

My body feels far better, I feel more physically healthy, and I’ve got far more energy than I used to have. So much is changing for me everyday, and while it certainly can be challenging, the reward of feeling happy, and content outweighs the effort put in by a million miles.

I haven’t been happy in a long time, yet now everyday I feel more and more happy, for longer of periods of time as well. I’m learning not to worry about things that haven’t happened, and things that happened in the past.

I’m learning to be aware of the impact of my words, mannerisms and actions that can have very different effects on people regardless of intention.

I’m learning to take more interest in other people, and as a result, not only are the conversations better, but they take more interest in me. It’s so amazing how good you feel when you have a conversation and show enthusiasm and interest in the other person. I come away from each conversation with a deep sense of satisfaction, and everyone goes away feeling good about each other.

My anxiety gets less and less each day, I rarely have anxiety attacks, and even when I do, they last hours or even minutes as opposed to days or weeks. I recover from them so quickly, and it’s getting easier and easier to brush them off and continue the positive cycle of thinking.

There’s still a long way to go, but already I see change in myself that I never knew I could do, nor did I expect it to happen this fast. None of this would have been possible without everyone’s support, and my own willingness to change. I’ve had to take a lot of feedback, and really analyse it without getting defensive or judging myself.

Things are really looking up for me, and I can see already that this new mentality I have, and new outlook, is already having a huge positive impact on the people around me.

This is a great blog for me, and I’m really proud of it, and the reason for that is because it’s the first blog I’ve written which beams of positive emotion and optimism. I know this is the beginning of a new era for me.

And I couldn’t be more pleased, more enthusiastic or more happy.

🙂

Harry, aka Kinkymuffin

Unnamed – (Poem)

Unnamed, unknown, ashamed, alone.

Hours of darkness, yet a never ending day.

Symptoms of unknowing, too strong to fade away.

Poetic literature, the start of dismays decay.

 

For within self analysis and insight, we learn the fight.

Whether day, or night, it’s within your might.

It is your right, go now, take flight.

 

Show spite to ill thinking, and courage to positivity.

 

The ultimate simplicity, too subtle for fame,

and that my friend is where this poem get’s it’s name.

 

HG.