Sorry.

So it’s been a while since I wrote a blog, and I thought it might be time that this particular one is written. Anyone who has read my blogs, or knows me, probably understands that I’ve had quite a few problems over the past 24 months. I’ve battled depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, drug abuse, chronic pain, and all the things that come with those. I’ve watched my relationships with people close to me deteriorate, and I’m sure I’ve hurt some people I didn’t mean too.

It’s been quite difficult for me to overcome all these issues. To this day, I’m still not out of it. I’m still having to fight but things are ever so slowly getting easier. For one thing, I’ve basically cut all drugs that I was taking, with the exception of an anti depressant which I think at the moment is still very good for me to be on. Without it, I am not stable, my mood dips rapidly and I become unresponsive and moody.

Over the past 24 months, a number of people have tried their best to help me. Some of those people are my family, particularly my brother and sisters, and I understand trying to help me was most likely way out of their depths. I was not well, mentality, I must have been all over the place. I might of said some things, or done some things that seemed terrible, and all I can say is if I did do something that affected you, I am deeply and truly sorry. I don’t really remember much of the past 24 months, and I am aware that I was really not well. I never meant to upset or hurt anyone. I was trying desperately to deal with my demons on my own, but it was nigh impossible to do that.

I lost my job, my savings, my confidence, my dreams, my hopes, and everything that goes with it. Trying to get that back is taking a lot of effort, and will take a long time. I tend to make bad choices when I’m not happy, and the cravings I get to abuse drugs makes everything more complicated. I understand it probably hasn’t been easy for anyone who’s had to look after me, or support me. I wish that burden had never fallen on any of you. I wish there had been some other way, but ultimately I did the best I could with what I had.

The truth is I very close to the edge, and I probably wouldn’t be here without the love and support I got from my extended family and friends. It’s been the hardest 2 years of my life, and even now as I write this it’s still difficult. I barely remember what it’s like to feel “normal”. I wish I’d never touched any of the drugs that exposed me to this kind of self destruction, and it saddens me deeply that it’s had a huge affect on my relationships with the people I love and care about it.

I wish it was easy as just snapping out of it, or walking away from my problems, but it’s not. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, right now I just try to get by each day without making bad decisions. It’s not easy, but I understand everyone has their own demons and I’m sure not many people consider life “easy”.

I don’t really know what else to say, apart from sorry. Sorry if I upset you, sorry if I hurt you. Sorry if the past two years of knowing me has caused you any emotional upset or turmoil. I never wanted any of this, no one would. I’m trying my best in a situation which 6 months ago seemed completely hopeless. I’m slowly getting better, but it’s still not easy, and I cannot promise that I won’t make decisions in the future, even tomorrow, that don’t upset or affect other people.

I’m trying my best, and it might not be good enough sometimes, but it’s all I have.

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One thought on “Sorry.

  1. Duncan says:

    Good point well expressed. Saying sorry is about how you feel, and that is important, what matters most in this egocentric world we live in is recognising also how others feel.
    The people who this blog was directed at might not even get the message unless you post or write directly to them.
    What matters is also saying thank you for what those people did and still do and letting them know you will look after them when you get the opportunity. Thank you is a big part of recognising what is done for all of us by those who act out of love with no other motivation but it’s not the most important part, the biggest part of looking after others is to ask them how they feel about their experiences and honouring that experience by making a commitment to look after them when they allow you to do so.

    Your blog is about you, in this ‘me’ world others need also to be recognised and the appreciation implicit in your message expressed explicitly to them personally.

    With love,
    Duncan x

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