Anyone who’s read my blogs knows that I haven’t been well for a while now. It’s been a long tough two years. To be honest with you, it hasn’t got much easier, even with all the progress I’ve made in the last couple of months.
Before I start, I wanted to say that I’m writing this to try and make it easier to understand what I’m going through. I’m not writing this to whine, moan, or complain that my life is worse than everyone else’s. I understand that everyone has their own demons to face, and battles to fight. Everyone has challenges, and this is not written to complain that mine are worse. Honestly I am just trying to shed some light on what it is like to have chronic pain, depression, anxiety, and any of the other things that are holding me down, and why it might not look that bad on the surface, but underneath it’s a brutal battle, and one I’m only just winning.
The short version : I’m exhausted of living. Each day, is a battle. Each moment, a battle. Each decision, a battle. Life itself, is a battle.
The long version : I’m tired of living. It’s exhilarating being me, but not a good exhausting. Not because I’m busy doing things, meeting people. I’m not exhausted physically, or even mentally. I’m just completely and utterly exhausted as an entire entity.
I’ve had chronic back pain for almost two years now. After that amount of time, your exhausted. There is no mental or physical strength left in me to be recovered. It’s like I’m permanently exhausted. I cannot recover, so I cannot get energy in the first place. I cannot do things. Even simple things are a massive task. Maybe not physically, but mentally, and overall an almost impossible task.
My life is a task, even the should be fun things that most people would enjoy, are a task. Communicating is a task, a battle, staying positive, a battle, motivation is non existent. Not depressed, but depressed of senses, of good feelings. Depressed of energy, and excitement. Depressed of joy, of satisfaction.
Without these things how long can someone live and still feel alive. Soon you don’t feel alive, you are alive, but not living. At that point it’s easy to start having rogue thoughts about death. “it wouldn’t be so bad to be honest”. “Not even a bad idea”. “Might as well, if things get too bad.”
It actually becomes almost a thing you need. You want to have that option, it’s actually comforting. Knowing there is a way out, if you really can’t take it anymore. Of course this is only something you can truly understand if you’ve been there. If you haven’t, it will sound extreme, or suicidal. It’s not as simple as just killing yourself. It’s not actually about that, it’s about your life. To you at the time, it’s the best thing you can do for your life. A living action, a life choice, for a better quality of nothingness. Sometimes it feels like nothing at all would be better than the life I have.
I have no motivation. I cannot, and will not do things. I struggle with basic stuff, doing everything I used to be able to do without thinking is a big challenge. When everything is a challenge, you never get a break.
NOTE: Hey everyone, at the moment I am unable to work, due to disability. I have set up a patreon page, though I am sceptical that it will ever get seen, but it couldn’t hurt to try and spread awareness of my blog. The link is below