May 2015 – Rock Bottom Sucks

Prologue : I wrote this around may 2015, which was one of my lowest points. When I read it back to myself, part of me understands why did it, and the other half cannot actually contemplate how I got to that position.

 

I sit here, wondering whether It’s actually a good deal to confess what I’ve been dong for the past couple of weeks.

The truth is, I’ve been tryng my hardest to get by without going down the wrong roads again. The disappointing thing is, I failed miserably.

It started out when my GP presccribed 10 x  5mg valium tablets but the pharmacy somehow made a mistake and gave me 50. This was torture, as someone who struggles with drug abuse, It was so hard to go back and tell them about the mistake. Sure enough, I didn’t. I don’t remember the past couple of weeks well, probably because I took valum everyday, for a couple of days until one night in my semi couscous state of mind I took 5 out, and threw the rest  I had left n the toilet. That was hard, but I knew I had to do it. Yesterday  It’d been a couple of days, maybe a week since I had any. Anyway a couple of nights ago I took 2, and one of my prescribed medicines, which im not meant to take at the same time. It made really high. I had no idea what was gong on, apparently I when on teamspeak and began saying random shit wth really slurred voice. Rob was angry so I logged off.

I’m only human, and god or whoever the fuck is in charge (me?) keeps fucking testing me and I keep on losing. I screwed up. I hate myself for it, and now I’m gong to have suffer the stupid ramification of my family being really concerned.

Truth be told I think I wanted to get really fucked up. I was kind of hoping I’d die. Fortunately, it didn’t happen. I’ve actually been trying really hard (and succeeding) to not abuse any medication for some time now, and I slipped.  I fell over and messed up pretty badly. I am ok though. I’m looking forward to seeing Mike, and shifting the focus of my life away from me, which is what I need.

My life is not easy. Everyday is a challenge. I’m trying to get better but it’s so easy to slip. It’s like walking on ice, but It has a subtle upwards slant, so when you fall, you start to slide back much further than you should for such a tiny mistake.

I messed up and I’m sorry. All I can tell you is I’m trying my god damn best to make no bad decisions, I am not perfect, far from it.

I wish I was strong enough to just never make mistakes, never abuse drugs or lie to people. I’m not though, and I do lie, I do make mistakes, and I do abuse drugs,

I will however get to the point where I don’t. I feel that day is getting closer and closer, and although it might not seem it to others, I know myself that actually I’ve done quite well. You have no idea of how many times per day  I want to take drugs or go buy some, etc. 98% of the time, I stop myself. That 2% though, still causes big problems so I have to try harder so its 100%. I feel like once Im in the UK this will be easier to achieve.

For now I’m just holding on. Trying to get by each day without messing it up too badly. For the most part, I’ve been dong ok. But ok is not enough, it needs to be 100%

The worst part about all of this, is now I have to face my family. What am I meant to do? I really tried, and for a while, I did well. It’s just the last week or two has been so much more difficult. So many little things, so many big things. I just messed up. It’s so frustrating because I know when it’s happening but sometimes I simply cannot do anything about it. I’m not really out of control right now, just not fully in control. I’m worried about my condition or position, I know I’ll get better soon. I just wish I wasn’t so messed up. I wish I didn’t know what codeine, Valium, Endone, and Marijuana were. Then maybe I wouldn’t be fighting addiction on top of depression and anxiety.

Anyway, I’m sorry, please don’t be angry with me. I never wanted this, and I wish I was stronger so that wouldn’t have to keep writing blogs like this.

For everyone who takes the time to read this, I thank you.

Sincerely, Harrison aka KM

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