It’s kind of hard to identify the worst thing I’ve ever done. It really depends on whether we are talking about legally or morally.
Legally, apart from exploiting the health system to get opiates, I haven’t done anything so bad that means I am writing this from inside a cell. That’s still terrible of course, but when you’re an addict, you don’t care. Legalities, or morals, fuck them both. It’s like they completely disappear. They cease to exist. You live for addiction, you breathe, eat, and sleep addiction. Your brain has one agenda. Nothing else matters.
Imagine the cliff scenario. On your left, your mum (or any loved family member) are holding on for dear life to the edge of the cliff. They desperately need your help, but on your right, is a crate of the drug of your choice, and it’s enough to last you the rest of your life. It’s also dangling via a rope. You only have a few seconds to decide.
Even as a full-blown addict, I would save my mum, but I think the addict in me would make me work to come to that conclusion. It would not be instant. I honestly think I would have to fight the addiction before choosing to save my mum. For how long, I don’t know, it’s impossible to say. I just know that the demon inside me, would not make it easy to give up the offer of a lifetime supply. For me, it would not be a snap choice, I would have to wilfully move towards my mum. Maybe that makes me look like an awful person, but honestly, that’s just how strong the hold of addiction is. It’s not a little itch, it’s like someone pulling on your hair as hard as they can, and not letting go, until you do what they want.
I love my mum, more than anything, imagine if I didn’t. Would I still save her, or take the (delusion) of absolute bliss. A lifetime supply of your favourite drug. (Which to an addict feels like the best thing ever).
During the worst years of my addiction, I was fortunate enough to have a lot of support from my family. This is ultimately what kept me from breaking the law, and I am very grateful for that. If I didn’t have that support, I’m sure my life would be drastically different to how it is now.
But then, we come to the subject of morality. This is not a friendly subject to an addict. Morals, are probably one of the first things to go, as the addiction consumes you. They just become unimportant. As the addiction consumes you, your feelings, for others and yourself fade away. You don’t feel guilty, or ashamed. An Addict has two feelings. “Ah, high at last, thank god, everything’s great, everything is alright”, and “Fuck I need drugs, how am I going to get more, where’s my phone, do I have enough money, how can I get enough money, are there any drugs left around me, what’s the quickest and easiest way to get high again.”
The first one is great, the second is hell. Your entire life, and your pseudo happiness, depends entirely on whether you are high, or hanging out. (Hanging out, means withdrawing, i.e not taking drugs for a long enough time that you start to have physical and mental symptoms). It’s not a good life, and it’s not worth it.
I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and it’s actually read hard to decide what the worst thing I’ve ever done is. There are so many candidates. In my addiction, I hurt, and betrayed a lot of people. It’s kind of like all of them are the worst thing I’ve ever done. Maybe they are all as equally bad as each other. I’ll think about it, and the next blog I will give you my answer. What I think, is the worst thing that I have ever done, during or because of my addiction.
Thank you for reading, and all of the support.
Harrison aka KM
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